“I wish I could answer that, but there really is no answer. I was scared…scared of the feelings I had for her. A part of me wanted to push her away, so I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. I just wanted to worry about football and taking over my father’s business. The other part of me wanted her so much that I could hardly stand it.”
He looked over at my mom, who just gave him a weak smile.
“One day, your mother saw me kissing Angie at a game. I ran after your mom, and I promised myself that I would never see that look in her eyes again. I would never hurt her again.”
“But you didn’t keep that promise,” I said, my voice cracking.
My mother gave me a weak smile.
“Mom…are you okay?” I asked.
She smiled bigger as she tilted her head and slowly shook it. “Ellie, darling, your heart is so pure and sweet. Yes, sweetheart, I’m okay. Your father and I have been talking during the last few months about a lot of things. I think I have come to a place where I am able to forgive him. I needed this to happen, so I could have closure and move on with my life. So do you kids.”
I sat there, stunned. “Why didn’t you tell us you were talking to him?” I looked at my father. “Why didn’t you try to contact us? Why did you leave when we all needed you?” I finally lost it and broke down, crying.
Jefferson took me in his arms and held me while I cried uncontrollably from all the emotions surfacing all at once. The next thing I knew, I felt a hand on my knee. I pulled my face away from Jefferson to see my father kneeling down on the floor with tears streaming down his face. One quick look at my mother revealed that she was also crying.
“I’m so sorry, pumpkin eater,” he whispered.
“What did you call me?” I asked in a whispered voice.
“Pumpkin eater—it’s what I called you the first time I ever saw you.” He smiled.
I slowly shook my head. “But you didn’t want me. I was a mistake.”
His mouth dropped open, and he pulled back slightly. “Don’t ever say that Ellie. Ever. I did want you. I loved you and still do. I love you very much. You did nothing wrong.”
He looked up at Jefferson. “And neither did you, son. This is entirely my fault. All the pain and hurt I’d put the three of you through was all my fault. I have no excuse for what I did. I walked away from three of the most important people of my life because I was a scared, selfish bastard. I wanted that free life of partying and traveling that I didn’t get to have. If I had a wife and family, I couldn’t do that.” He dropped his head and began sobbing. “I was a stupid fool, such a stupid fool.”
I slowly looked at my mother, who was wiping away her tears. I was so confused, and my head was spinning.
“Why Angie though? You kissed her before you even knew Mom was pregnant with Jeff.” I said.
He looked up at me, and his eyes caught mine. “Because I was an asshole, Ellie. I don’t have any other reason than that. I was a cheating bastard. I loved your mother more than anything, but there was a side of me that just wanted to…I don’t know.” He shook his head. “Angie gave me attention like I’d never had before, and I…I liked it.”
I peeked over at my mother as she sat there so calmly while she dabbed her eyes. She’d come so far, and I just prayed that this wouldn’t have a negative effect on her.
“Were you happy with Angie?” I asked.
He looked away and then back into my eyes. “No.”
“Why didn’t you come back to us then?” I asked as the anger continued building inside me.
“I tried a few times. I’d go and visit your mom, and I would just end up…well, I would—”
“You’d fuck her and leave,” Jefferson said.
“Jefferson Johnson!” my mother said.
Jefferson looked at Mom. “Sorry, Mom. It just…it makes me so angry. Dad, you have no idea how angry I am.”
My father put his hand on Jefferson’s knee and nodded his head. “Yes, I do. I do know how angry you are because I’ve been angry for the last twenty-something years. I’m angry at myself, at Angie, at my father, who encouraged me to leave your mother.”
I sucked in a breath of air. “What? Why?”
He took a deep breath and let it out very slowly. “Your grandfather didn’t like your mom very much.”
He looked over and winked at her, and she smiled.