“Dreams, forbidden dreams about something she can’t have,” was all I said as I saw his head snap over in my direction.
I’m totally going to Hell for this.
With the bowl of popcorn, a bag of black licorice, and three Diet Cokes, I sat down on the sofa and turned on the race. I wasn’t sure if I should watch it or not. Last week Malcolm nearly wrecked three times and I swore I wasn’t going to watch another race. The problem was I was letting my heart call the shots and not my head, therefore I was sitting down and getting ready to settle in as they were doing a few warm up laps before the race went green.
My phone buzzed as I picked it up to see a text from Annie.
Annie: Let’s go out tonight? I need dick.
Rolling my eyes, I let out a chuckle.
Me: I can’t. Princess and I are watching movies.
Annie: Pussy. Don’t’ you mean you’re stalking your man on TV? Jesus Christ will you snap the hell out of it. You need to get fucked and as soon as possible.
I knew she was probably right. On both accounts. I was somewhat stalking Malcolm on a daily basis. I did a Google search of him every night before I went to bed. Not really sure what I was looking for . . . or hoping not to find . . . but each night I held my breath and typed in his name.
The moment I saw a picture of him, a warm feeling rushed through my body. Maybe I did need to go out. Even some mindless touching and kissing might be kind of nice. What harm would come of a little innocent fun?
I was about to text Annie back that I would go out with her when the announcer mentioned Malcolm’s name and my breathing stopped.
“Looks like Malcolm Wallace is having a bit of trouble again this week.”
I swore I could feel my heart beating in my ears. I needed something of Malcolm and if it had to be just the mention of his name, then so be it.
Me: Enjoy your night and get enough dick for both of us.
Annie: Pussy.
Me: You called me that already. Be careful! Love ya!
Annie: Tomorrow I’m dragging your ass somewhere. Love you too!
I dropped my phone next to me on the sofa and turned up the television.
“I’ve started wondering if his leg really is giving him trouble and that’s what has him so distracted.”
My lower lip tingled when I realized I was chewing the living hell out of it. Closing my eyes, I said a prayer that Malcolm would be okay. I didn’t know why I was torturing myself by watching him race. I hadn’t heard anything from him since the day I walked away. Even when they delivered my stuff along with Princess, there wasn’t even so much as a note. I wasn’t sure what broke my heart more. The fact that I was hoping he would reach out to me, or the fact that he hadn’t reached out to me.
Pushing a handful of popcorn into my mouth, I picked up my phone and checked my email. There was one more lap before the race started. The name Emmit Lewis stood out like a sore thumb on my phone and I knew instantly that was the Emmit who used to race with Malcolm.
I clicked the email and opened it as I started to read it. My eyes drifted up to the television as I watched the race. What happened next had me jumping up and knocking the popcorn to the ground.
My hands covered my mouth as I whispered, “Oh God, Malcolm.”
I STOOD AND STARED DOWN at the gravestone as I took in a deep breath. It was the first time I had been here since the day Casey was buried.
My hands were in my pockets as I fought to say the words I had been fighting to say since the day she died.
With a slight smile, I shook my head and said, “I quit racing. I was half a lap away from starting a race and I pulled down onto pit road and just drove back to the garage. You’d be happy; I know how much you really hated me racing. I loved it though and for the longest time, it helped me deal with the guilt of you dying. I guess not so much of you dying, but the fact that I’ve never been able to promise you what you asked for right before you died.
“I need you to know that I loved you, Casey, but I think even then I knew deep in my heart what we had wasn’t going to be forever. I sometimes wonder if God took you because he knew I couldn’t make that promise to only love you.
“For so many years I avoided the idea of falling in love with anyone. I wasn’t sure if it was because if I did, then it would make it all too real and I knew I wouldn’t be able to give you what you asked.”
Kicking at a stick, I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath before slowly letting it out. “I met someone, Casey. She’s changed the way I look at everything in my life. That rush I longed for that I got by racing or doing crazy shit like jumping out of planes, I didn’t need it any longer. The only thing I need is to see her smile. Feel her touch. She’s the rush I’ve been searching for this whole time.”
Tears built in my eyes as I stared at her name etched into the stone.