Dissipate

I had a past life prior to The Society.

The Keeper wanted me wed to his son in order to bear children.

This was against everything we had been taught about The Light. Regardless if I had believed in The Light or not, any beliefs I did have were vanishing and I felt like I was lost on every level of life imaginable.

Panic wanted me to curl into a ball to protect myself, but self-preservation drove me to keep going. For now, I would push it all down. First, I needed to find the letter my mom talked about. Then, I would try to figure out the mess my life had become.

My legs ran faster and faster as I made it to the tree line. Turning back, I made sure no one had seen me. There were no windows in the community hall. I need to get home. Home. The word seemed strange to me now. As I raced to my house, I remembered the glob of mud on my mom’s coffin as it disappeared into nothing.

I wanted to disappear into nothing.

I STOPPED INSIDE the tree line that opened up to my backyard. To the left was a vacant lot with tall grass. The Millers’ home was to the right. They would have duties to complete after the meal and should still be at the community hall. As I was about to walk into the backyard, a hand came down on mine and I nearly came out of my skin.

“Shh, it’s only me.”

The familiar voice had me heaving a sigh of relief. “Matthew, you scared me.”

He grabbed my hand in the familiar gesture we were accustomed to when we were alone. The concern in his face was evident. “I was worried about you. Before I have to go see The Keeper, I had to see you. I’m sorry about your mom.”

The loving lilt in his voice brought a new wave of sadness. I missed my mom. Uncharacteristically, I leaned against his chest. My actions surprised him, and me, as it took a few seconds before warm arms came around me. We’d never been this close, but I needed the comfort more than I knew. It felt safe and I didn’t care that I was breaking some of the fundamental rules.

I nearly sobbed into his chest. “Matthew, I’ve missed you.”

Matthew relaxed as he got used to the contact. “I’ve missed you, too. I hate that we haven’t been able to talk lately.”

Not ready to lose the connection, but knowing we had to separate before someone caught us, I took a step back. The compulsion to tell him everything, as I looked into his blue eyes, was strong. Opening my mouth to speak, I closed it for a second. By telling him, I might be putting him at risk. Confusion on how to best proceed laid heavy in my gut.

“What’s wrong, Sarah? You look like you have something on your mind.” Matthew’s eyes darted back and forth, watching me.

Sarah. How would I even explain my name was Kenzie when I didn’t know the answer myself? I swallowed the truth. “I feel lost, but I’ll get through it.”

“I know tomorrow is the cleansing day, but can we meet in the woods before it all starts? I have something I want to talk to you about.” Matthew looked nervous as he waited for my answer.

Another twig snapped and we both took another step back, further separating us and the anxiety of potentially being caught heightened. “I’ll find a way to meet in our spot before breakfast.”

“I have to go, Sarah. Sweet dreams until tomorrow.”

“Sweet dreams until tomorrow.” The phrase was something special between us. We always said to each other when we said good-bye.

Another crack in the branches had our nerves on edge. We were definitely on borrowed time.

He mouthed, I have to go.

I nodded. As my best friend walked away, I leaned against the tree trunk. What did he have to talk to me about? Maybe he wanted to go to the Light to see about marriage now that I was alone. I wasn’t sure how I felt about marriage right now.

After ten minutes passed, only the forest sounds surrounded me. I casually moseyed out into the backyard. Mom and I had a garden out back. As long as anyone didn’t see me coming out of the trees, they would assume I was making sure all was okay before heading in for the night. My eyes casted down slightly as they darted back and forth, making sure I was still alone. The fabric of my apron provided a good distraction for my fingers and nervous energy.

I let out a small breath of relief as I made it to the chicken wire that surrounded our garden. The heat of the August sun had nearly withered it gone. Mom and I had been trying to keep it watered, but we were to be sparing with the use of water. The rain today was already causing it to perk back to life. The garden was about ten feet long and had four rows. All families were expected to grow food and contribute to the common wealth of our community.

For my normal nightly routine, I walked the perimeter of the chicken wire to make sure the fence was intact. Working in the garden was a pastime Mom and I both enjoyed.

A lone tear fell down my face as I remembered the quiet laughs we had in here. To outright express an enormous amount of emotion was to waste the burning light within us. All things were to be done in moderation. I had to constantly remind myself of that.

Had those moments in the garden been a glimpse of my mom before this place? Is that why she broke so many rules like continuing to educate me in secret?

The rain drizzled. I turned to head into the house I had known as home for as long as I could remember. The black door was in pristine order, like all other doors in The Society. Every house was white with black doors. The Keeper had said the houses were to be white to keep our community pure from the color that threatened to taint us like the rest of the world. The black represented the sin that tried to get in and ruin our way of life. Lies. All of it had been lies.

I stepped inside and closed the door, removing my bonnet and hanging it on the hanger, thankful that no one would be by tonight. Looking at myself in the mirror, which every house in The Society had to ensure one was presentable before going outside, I looked haggard. My green eyes were dulled and hollowed.