"I'm good," I tell her with a smile and I flip open a magazine. I stare blankly at the first page, trying to muster up some interest, but my mind keeps wandering back to Garrett.
I wish Stevie would hurry up and get here so I can bend his ear some more. Since that disastrous conversation with Garrett last week, I've been pumping Stevie for information, because I know they are still talking. But Stevie won't indulge me. While he patiently listened to me at work the day after Garrett blew me off, and even rubbed my shoulders soothingly, he wasn't overly sympathetic to my plight. I sort of expected him to be as exasperated with Garrett as I was...proclaiming to anyone who would listen that he was being a hardheaded, stubborn fool.
The most I got from Stevie was a final pat on the head and a cryptic "It will all work out for the best."
It will all work out for the best?
Seriously...those were the best words of comfort my bestie had for me?
Ridiculous, but what could I do? Stevie was apparently of the opinion that I had made my bed, and I could at least lie in it for a while.
Sutton was slightly more comforting, but she was playing it straight down the middle.
"I understand both sides. I see where both of you are coming from," she had said neutrally to me on the phone one night.
"Yeah...but I'm right and he's wrong," I asserted.
"You're both wrong," she said, and I suppose that was probably true.
God, I want that man back. No matter how hard my mom tried to lecture me on the mistake I had made, no matter the disappointment I saw from Stevie, no matter how much I hurt myself because I didn't have Garrett anymore...none of that was strong enough to sway me from my mission of letting Garrett go so he could avoid pain later down the road.
No...only one thing had sunk into my thick skull, and it came courtesy of a man that I wasn't all that close to.
Alex.
I had been so busy concentrating on contingencies if I died, I never once bothered to see the opposite side. All I could focus on is "What if I die?"
Alex had simply asked me, "But what if you fucking live?"
It was like a bolt of lightning had struck me, so strong was the epiphany I had. It made me think back to the very thing that brought me and Garrett together in the first place.
My desire to live life to the fullest. I took a wild gamble and hopped into bed for a rowdy one-night stand that was supposed to prove to myself that I still had a whole lot of living left to do. It was this zest for life, the insatiable need for me to thumb my nose at my cancer, that made it possible for me to even open up to Garrett.
Life...that is what it's all about, and somewhere along the way, I forgot about it. I ended up getting sidetracked with negativity. Fear then controlled me...it made me its bitch. Then it gave me bad advice and had me send away the one thing in my life that I wanted to live for above all else.
Garrett.
So, I wised the fuck up and immediately made arrangements to go to Garrett's game that night. Stevie had only a single ticket from Garrett, but a quick call to Sutton and Alex got three tickets for me, her, and Glenn.
Seeing him on the ice again...my heart filled with pride. I let the excitement wash through me and I felt invigorated.
I felt alive.
It was a little bit of a slap in the face when Garrett made brief eye contact with me, then looked like someone had rubbed his nose in shit. He didn't look at me again, but I wasn't going to let that dissuade me.
Even when I walked into Houlihan's and saw those women fawning all over him, I wasn't going to be cowed. I was going to get my man back.
And, yeah...it was another slap in the face that Garrett wouldn't talk to me, but I walked out of Houlihan's trying hard not to cry, but even at the same time letting my brain spin on overdrive, trying to figure another way to come at Garrett.
To get him to forgive me.
To get him to love me again.
I wasn't going down without a vicious fight.
And...I got another metaphorical slap in the face when he nicely accepted my apology, but flatly refused to give me another chance. I wanted to shake him, knock some sense into him, but I could see what was driving him.
Anger and pain.
I knew it would do no good to keep after him that night, and that he probably needed some time to cool down. Alex had called me that night and wisely advised me not to give up on Garrett.
And because my focus is back on living my life to the fullest, there's no way in hell I'm going to do that. I'm going to get him back somehow, but I just haven't figured the angle yet. Stevie and Sutton have been a bust so far.
Maybe I need Alex to help me scheme. I've heard countless times the story of how Alex groveled to Sutton in front of the entire Cold Fury arena, begging for her to love him again. It worked like a charm, so I'm thinking maybe I need some type of grand gesture.
I know...I'll beat this cancer, and then I can say with flourish, "See, Garrett...I did this just for you."
That will surely win him back.
I snicker to myself over that, so very happy that I can find amusement even in my current predicament.
"What's so funny?" I hear, and my head snaps up to see Garrett staring down at me. He has a small smile on his face, and his green eyes are sparkling. He doesn't look mad at me, so that's a plus.
"What are you doing here?" I ask, completely ignoring his question.
He shrugs and glances around at the other patients before pulling the guest chair over in front of my own recliner. He sits down opposite me and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "I made arrangements with Stevie to let me sit in on this treatment with you. He just dropped you off, and he's probably back at Fleurish now."
My heart soars over this news, because it means something that he's here. It means I still have a chance...a fucking good chance. I decide to play a little hard to get, though. "Well, maybe I don't want you here. You sort of said it all the other night."
Garrett scratches his head and gives me a sheepish look. "Yeah, well, I figured you might feel that way, so I waited until you got hooked up to the chemo before I came in. Figured you couldn't run and would be forced to listen to me."
I bow my head and place my hand over my mouth to hide the grin that forms on my face. Glancing up at him, I see he's smiling back at me.
We just stare at each other. I marvel at the beautiful man sitting opposite me. Not just beautiful in the physical sense, although I will admit I wanted to jump him when I first laid eyes on him. I mean beautiful straight through to his soul. The fact that I failed to recognize how special he was, that I was willing to let that get away from me, is a blatant reminder of what an idiot I can be sometimes.
Garrett sighs and leans back in his chair, raising his legs up and propping his large, booted feet on my chair on both sides of my hips. He crosses his hands over his stomach and says, "Where the hell do we go from here?"
A little bit of the confidence I had gained from the mere fact that he came to see me fizzles because his voice sounds a bit desperate and lost. His eyes are sad and tired, and I'm now wondering...maybe he just wants to tie up loose ends. Part as friends, maybe?
"I had forgotten," I say quietly as I reach one hand out to tug on the hem of his jeans. I fiddle with the material and look back up at him. "I had forgotten what led me to you in the first place."
"What do you mean?" he asks curiously.
"I
don't think I ever told you...but pretty soon after I accepted your invitation for that first date...I had decided to sleep with you that night."
Garrett's lips tilt up beautifully and his eyes widen in surprise. "Hussy."
"I know. It was so not me," I say with a blush.
"So why did you do it?"
"Because I wanted to live. I wanted to feel, and be free, and I wanted to have fun...pleasure...orgasms. I wanted to be with a beautiful man who made me feel sexy and desired. I wanted it all so I could push the cancer out of my mind."
"And you were hooked after that first orgasm, right?" he says, a little too loudly, because the woman next to us sort of jerks in her seat and coughs into her hand.
"I was hooked before that first orgasm," I whisper to him with a laugh. "But I had forgotten that. I got so swept up in fear that I forgot that I needed to live. My glass went from half-full to half-empty. And Garrett...please believe me...I never did it to hurt you. I was trying to avert a deeper kind of pain. I did it out of love."
Garrett's eyes lower and he twiddles his thumbs together in thought. When he looks back up at me, he says, "I think, deep down, the reason I never was in a relationship before was because I didn't want to get hurt. I mean...yeah, I was hurt by my high school girlfriend, but I think as I got older, and I realized what was important in my life, I think I subconsciously focused only on those things that were safe and made me feel good. But that all seemed to melt away when I met you. And then I fell in love, and I couldn't see my life without you in it. When you cut me out...it really hurt. And then I got angry. I'm sorry that I hurt you back. It was wrong of me to do that."
"You're forgiven," I tell him with a soft smile. "I'm sure I deserved it."
"You deserve the world," he murmurs, and my heart melts for him.
Playing-hard-to-get time is over with. Not that I was doing a good job at it.
I push at Garrett's feet and he takes them down, sitting up in his chair. Standing up, I grab my IV pole and push it a little closer to Garrett. In two steps, I'm between his legs, staring down at him. He looks back at me with his eyes shining brightly, his head tilted to the side.
Raising a hand up, I touch him softly on the face, and I'm rewarded as his eyes close and he sighs in pleasure.
"I love you," I tell him, and watch as his eyelids flutter open, those impossibly long lashes only making his green eyes pop brilliantly at me.