Kate's body gives out and she sinks to the mattress. I fall right along with her, but then immediately roll us onto our sides. Absolutely wrecked...completely boneless, I'm too mellow to do anything else but wrap my arm around her waist and lie there. I know it's an intimate move, but fuck it. I want her to stay still, right there while I'm still lodged inside of her, and let me enjoy the peace and lack of guilt for just a moment.
Kate lies absolutely still, her arm resting like dead weight on mine, her breathing back to normal. I used to lie with Gina like this...after we fucked. We used to go to sleep like this at night in the beginning of our relationship, but toward the end it was just more comfortable I guess for us each to sprawl out on our own side of the bed. I have a sudden urge to stroke the skin of Kate's stomach...maybe even prompt her own hand to return the favor.
But I push that thought away. It sends the wrong message.
To her? To me?
Yeah...wrong fucking message to both of us.
"Zack?" Kate whispers softly.
"Yeah?"
"Why does it bother you that I'm friends with Sutton and Olivia?" she asks curiously, without a hint that she'll give any validation to how I might possibly respond. I can tell she's not about to give up their friendship.
Sighing, I release my hold on her and roll away, swinging my legs off the bed. I bend down and pick up my boxers, slipping them on and planning to ditch the condom once I get to the bathroom.
When I look back over at her, she's rolled to face me, one hand curled under her head, the other tucked under her chin. The lights from the city hit her full in the face and I can see the paleness of her eyes reflecting back at me.
"Truth?" I ask her, because I need to make sure she's ready to hear it.
"No, I asked because I love lies," she jabs back at me, then rolls her eyes. "Of course the truth."
Sighing, I grab my T-shirt from the floor. Gripping it hard in my hands, I lay it on her. "The Cold Fury...we're a team, but we're also a family. Alex and Garrett are like my brothers. By extension, Sutton and Olivia are like my sisters. We don't have a blood connection, but the familial connection is still there. You understand?"
"I understand that," she says, but then adds on, "I guess I don't understand what that has to do with me hanging with them."
I slip the T-shirt on, and then bend to gather up the rest of my clothes. No need to put that shit on...just going to be walking across the living room to my room with Ben.
"I don't want there to be any confusion over the boundaries," I tell her candidly.
"Like how?" she asks inquisitively, still not getting what I mean.
"Say Alex and Sutton come over to my house for dinner. You may be friends with Sutton, but that doesn't mean you hang out with us. You're Ben's nanny. That's your place. I don't want you to be confused because we're having sex. I don't want you to think that implies membership into the family unit I have with my teammates and their women."
She nods at me, and ever so softly says, "I'm clear now. Thank you for the explanation."
And fuck...a wave of acidic shame hits me, because I know that hurt her feelings. I stare down at her, wanting to weirdly crawl back into bed, pull her into my arms, and apologize for my cruel words. I want to kiss away that look of loneliness right now, and I want to tell her I didn't mean any of it.
But I don't.
Because even though it pains me to have pained her, I did mean it.
I meant every word of it.
Chapter 20
Kate
I think most women would throw their hands up, cut bait, and run at this point. It's what I should do, for sure.
Zack hurt my feelings in New York. No doubt. And not because of the truth of his words...that he was afraid I would be tempted to cross boundaries if I pursued a friendship with Sutton and Olivia. That was honesty, and it wasn't a surprise to me. Zack has always been clear that what we have is just sex.
I guess I was hurt because he didn't respect me enough to recognize that boundary myself, as well as honor my original promise to him that if I started having a problem with what was going on between us, I would come out and say it.
But things didn't start going downhill because Zack hurt my feelings. On the contrary, I have an amazing capacity to take the shit that Zack hands my way, and it's not just because he's an amazing lover. No, it's because I still have a world of empathy for this man and everything that he's gone through.
Everything he's still going through, because every day is a struggle for him to pull himself away from the ghosts of his past.
This I know takes time.
However, I have seen major changes in Zack over the past several weeks.
Positive changes.
Changes that give me hope to continue on...hoping either that I will eventually settle for what he can give me or that he will accept what I can give him.
Either way, his words to me in New York were not enough to send me running.
But they apparently sent him running, because we've been back in Raleigh for two nights and he hasn't approached me outside of our normal employment relationship. He's pulled back and I know exactly why.
It's because when I was lying on my side in that hotel room, and Zack was looking down at me as he told me exactly why he didn't want me to be friends with Sutton and Olivia, I saw very subtle changes come over his face.
Even in the room lit up only by the streets of New York, I saw hard resolution as he told me all about boundaries, which caused pain to lance through me. Then I saw his face transform, and I knew, in that moment, he felt like shit that he had hurt me. I saw aching remorse on his face. I sensed hesitation within him, and I think he was on the verge of trying to make it up to me.
But then he hardened up again, and walked out of the room.
Fine.
So be it.
Like I said...plenty of empathy within me and I'm a patient woman. I can wait for Zack to work through these things.
Except apparently he doesn't want to work through it, and the fact that he hurt me has him running scared. Has him pulling away.
Stupid man.
Sweet man.
I'm not sure if I want to hit him or hug him.
I hear the garage door rumble upward, which means Zack is home from the game.
They played the Pittsburgh Titans tonight at home and Ben and I watched it on TV. Well, Ben made it through the first period before he conked out. I lugged him upstairs and put him to bed, then watched the remainder of the game in the living room. The Cold Fury won resoundingly over the Titans and clinched the number one spot in the Eastern Conference.
I went to bed after the game, hoping to fall asleep so I could fast-forward to the next day. I had no expectations that Zack would come to my room, but on the off chance he did, I was sure he'd wake me up nicely.
Except I couldn't go to sleep. I tossed and turned and fretted over Zack. I want him. I want him as a lover, but I want more from him too. I can't deny that, but I can suppress it. I would suppress it because Zack doesn't want that and has been very clear. It's caused some stress and conflict within me, yet I'm not willing to walk away yet.
The garage door goes down and I listen carefully. With my door closed and being on the second floor, I can't really hear much of anything. I imagine Zack walking in through the kitchen...tossing mail on the counter. Maybe getting a beer from the fridge. Casually strolling back to his bedroom, closing the door and himself away.
Ugh. I don't like that image. I don't like Zack hiding away from me. I need to make him see that I can be available for what he needs and only what he needs. I can stay within the boundaries and he has to respect me when I say that. He has to give that a chance.
I toss my covers back and swing my legs out of bed. I'm not sure what Sutton was thinking when she gave me some of her clothes, but included in the duffel bag were a few silk nighties. Nothing overtly sexual, but they weren't your grandma's flannel pajamas.
The one I'
m wearing now is really pretty and I think it goes well with my coloring. It's pale pink, made of satin, and hits at mid-thigh. It's held up by spaghetti straps and has cream lace edging over the material that sits at my breast. I hesitate for a moment, considering a quick change into my sweatpants, but then decide against it. I'm assuming Zack is in his bedroom now and thus there is no chance of him seeing me. I'll just make a quick trip down to the kitchen and get a snack. That's all. Quick in and out, just like I did with the ice cream.
And, if you're lucky, Zack will still be in the kitchen, I think with no small amount of shame.
I don't take the back staircase into the kitchen but rather the front that leads down into the foyer and provides me a peek at Zack's bedroom door. I make it halfway down the stairs and I see that his bedroom door is open and it's absolutely dark in there.
So he must still be in the kitchen.
I pad quietly through the living room, but before I enter the kitchen, I see the door that leads into the basement is open and the lights are on down there. I can't hear anything, but I know that's where Zack is. I wonder if maybe he's hitting the bottle of tequila again, or maybe he just wants to play some pool.
Nothing holds me back. I want to see Zack tonight. I want to confront him...stand in front of him in my new--previously used--sexy nightie and get a reaction from him. I want to provoke him into making a move on me. And if he doesn't, at least I'll know that the door on that opportunity to be with him has closed.
I head down the stairs quietly, my heart galloping with excitement and fear. As soon as I reach the bottom and turn right into the basement, I see him.
He's sitting in a low-slung leather chair, both hands sitting casually on the armrests, his long legs stretched out in front of him. He's slouched down and his gaze is pinned on the floor. I can tell...he's come down here to just sit and think. To be alone. It's written all over his posture and the thoughtful look on his face as he ponders the carpeting.