For the first time since the accident...mark that down on an event calendar.
"I feel good about the decision," I affirm.
"No guilt?" she asks quietly. "Because you shouldn't feel guilty about selling that house. You're not leaving the memories behind. You take those with you. You're just leaving the structure that held those memories temporarily."
I give a short laugh that's devoid of any humor and filled with irony. "No. Not feeling guilty about that."
"Ah," she says as she leans back in the booth. "But you're feeling guilty about something."
I nod, fiddling with the paper napkin under my beer. "Not sure how I make it go away."
"Maybe your perspective on it's wrong," she says as she reaches out for her wineglass. When she has it in hand, she gives it a slight wave in the air. "Maybe you're not looking at the big picture."
My eyebrows rise and I ask, "What do you mean?"
"What I mean is that guilt is born of a circumstance. Something that happens...usually an event, right?"
"Right," I say in agreement.
"It's also about how you perceive that event," she points out. "I'm not a rocket scientist, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that what you're skirting so delicately around is that something about Gina's death is making you feel guilty. Maybe it's the accident itself, maybe it's because we're having sex. But maybe...just maybe...you're looking at it through filters made of grief and that could be coloring your subjectivity."
I shake my head at her in amazement. "I'm not even sure I just understood half of what you said, but it sounded damn good."
She laughs and then takes a sip of wine. Setting the glass down, she says, "Zack...lay it on me. Just tell me what's eating at you and I'll give you my honest opinion about it. You know I won't hold back."
No, she won't hold back.
But am I ready for her brand of honesty? Am I ready for her to call me out on the carpet and tell me I'm being an idiot or, even worse, that I should be suffering from guilt because I'm a horrible person?
Fuck it...I'm going for it.
"I killed Gina," I say softly, refusing to meet her eyes.
Kate inhales sharply, then leans toward me, speaking so low I can barely hear her, "You get that out of your fucking head right now, Zack Grantham."
I'm so surprised over the venom in her voice and the way she dropped a vicious and well-timed use of the word fucking that my head jerks up at her in surprise. Her eyes are blazing with fury.
"Gina took her seat belt off and I let her," I say as I look directly at Kate with serious intent. "I was pulling her across the seat to kiss me when someone came over into my lane of travel. I jerked hard on the wheel and lost control. She died and I didn't."
Some of the fury dies from Kate's eyes, but her next statement to me is still bubbling with anger. "So what?"
I blink at her and I'm pissed when I say, "So what? Gina's dead because of me and the guilt of it's fucking killing me."
Kate moves so fast, she's almost a blur. She slides closer to me in the booth until her legs are flush with mine and she turns her upper body to face me. Both of her hands clasp me on the face and she holds me tight, giving my head a slight shake. "You listen to me, Zack, and you better listen well. You did not kill Gina and I never want to hear you say that again. It was an accident. It was unavoidable. It was going to happen and you couldn't do a damn thing about it. Most important...and this is what you better remember, is that it was Gina's choice to take that seat belt off. It wasn't yours. So while I'm unbelievably sorry that you went through this and I'm saddened that you and Ben lost what I've come to understand was a wonderful and amazing woman, there's not one thing about Gina's death that is lying on your doorstep."
My eyes flick repeatedly back and forth between Kate's. The pale blue has turned dark and stormy and I've never seen such fierce determination on her face. It makes me want to believe everything that she's saying. She believes it...I can see that.
A coughing sound from my left catches my attention and I see the waiter there with our food. Kate's hands drop from my face and she scoots away from me. The plates are laid before us, and with assurances to the waiter that everything looks great, he leaves us alone again.
"Kate," I say to get her attention as she picks up her silverware. She turns to look at me, her eyes still swimming with turbulence. "Thank you."
She smiles at me gently and nods. "You're welcome, Zack."
Chapter 24
Kate
"Kate...wake up," Ben says to me, and I feel his little hand on my shoulder. He gives me a shake and says again, "Come on, Kate. I'm hungry."
Except in his almost-four-year-old voice, it sounds like "I'm hung-wee." Adorable.
My eyes blink open and I give a yawn. "Hey, Slinky Twinkie."
Ben giggles and I give a luxurious stretch. The strong arm wrapped around my waist tightens in response to my movement and pulls me back slightly against the hard male body that shares the couch with me.
Wait? What?
All at once, everything hits me in a wave.
I'm on the couch and Zack is lying behind me. With his arm around my waist. We were watching a movie last night and we must have fallen asleep.
And now Ben has seen us lying together.
I scramble off the couch, inadvertently giving a sharp elbow to Zack's ribs, and he comes awake with a grunt. Sitting up, his hair sticking out all over the place, he stares first at Ben, then moves his bleary eyes over to me. I return his look, mine, I'm sure, filled with panic.
Zack just yawns and then turns to Ben, opening his arms. "Hey, buddy...what are you doing up so early?"
"Hungry," Ben says as he steps into his father's embrace.
"Me too," Zack says as he stands from the couch and picks Ben up, hauling him over his shoulder. Ben squeals with laughter. "Let's go get some cereal."
My heart still racing, I sit down on the couch numbly. I'm completely horrified Ben caught us lying next to each other. Granted, we were fully clothed in what we had worn to dinner last night, and were not in a compromising position, but the fact of the matter is we were in a perplexing situation for Ben.
Watching his dad embracing another woman.
The kid has to be so thoroughly confused.
I know I am.
Last night resulted in somewhat of a shift in whatever this is going on between Zack and me. So many weird things happened.
First he got
jealous of that man Gregory buying me a drink.
Then he divulged something very personal to me that had been weighing on him heavily.
And the coup de grace was when we returned to his house. Alex and Sutton made quick goodbyes, assuring us that Ben went to sleep easily and all was well. As soon as they left, I assumed Zack would make a move on me. No matter where we are or what we are doing, there's always an underlying vibration of tangible attraction between us. I can feel it all the time. But it's usually those nighttime hours after Ben is asleep that Zack and I come together and give in to that attraction.
I expected no less when Zack locked the door behind Alex and Sutton.
Instead he merely took my hand and led me into the living room. He set me on the couch and said, "I have one more birthday gift for you."
I was pleasantly surprised and warmed throughout. No matter what the surprise was, the fact that Zack had planned something had me feeling mushy all over and my heart started the process of becoming enslaved to him.
Grabbing the remote, Zack turned the TV on and then turned the source over to the DVD player. "I had Sutton pick this up on the way over with the cake," he explains.
I watched the TV curiously, then gave a surprised yelp of excitement when I saw the opening credits of the movie Grease start to roll.
"It's your favorite movie," Zack said with a grin as he dropped the remote control on the coffee table. "Figured it would be a nice way to cap your birthday off."
I stared at him in stunned disbelief as he walked toward me. "You know what my favorite movie is?"
Zack just gave me an admonishing look. "Remember that whole thing we discussed in the car about you being a babbler? Well, you happened to mention your favorite movie. Oh, and you sing those stupid songs quite a bit around the house."
I laughed in delight and then my breath froze as Zack walked to the edge of the couch and raised a knee up to it. He then proceeded to crawl onto the cushions, and lay down right behind me. One arm came out to rest on my waist and he murmured, "Come on...lie down with me and I'll watch this stupid movie with you."
My heart nearly exploded with overwhelming feelings for Zack. It was the first act of affection he'd shown me. Yes, we've kissed and fondled and fucked, but he had never shown just warm and nonsexual tenderness to me before.