My brother, Thomas, is serving an eighteen-month stint in prison for drug possession. It's his second time in the pokey, and I expect he's going to be nothing more than a career offender. He's five years older than me and left home when he was sixteen, so I'm not very close to him. Daddy goes to visit Thomas in prison, but Kelly and I don't have much contact with him.
"He seems to be doing fine. He's safe," he says sadly.
"That's good," I say softly, wishing I could give my daddy a hug right now. He carries a lot of burden on his shoulders, and I know one that eats at him is his potential failure as a father after my mother died. He feels like Thomas's drug issues and Kelly getting pregnant so young are solely his fault. He doesn't place any blame on their doorstep, which is wrong, in my opinion.
Clearing his throat, my dad says, "You make me so proud, Roberta."
"Kate," I say with exasperation, which causes him to chuckle. He intentionally calls me by my first name to poke at me.
"You ashamed of your name?" he asks with mock offense.
"Not when I'm a seventy-year-old granny sitting on my front porch knitting an afghan while surrounded by my grandchildren," I tell him with a snort. "But in my younger years, I think I'll stick to Kate."
He lets out a bark of a laugh followed by a smattering of chuckles. "A father couldn't ask for more than what you've given me, Kate. You are something else."
"I get it all from you," I tell him hoarsely. My father was never stingy on handing out warm sentiments to me, but they still get me choked up every time.
"I hate that you don't want to go to your graduation," he says with a slightly bitter voice. "I would have bought that cap and gown for you. Would have loved to see you graduate."
"It's just a ceremony, Daddy," I say gently. Truth be told, it's killing me not to be able to walk the stage with my classmates, but I couldn't see spending that money, and I wasn't about to let my daddy pay for it. Not when he lives hand to mouth most of the time because of his spotty work history.
"It was the most important thing in your life and mine as well," he grumbles.
"Well, the diploma is going to come to your house, so keep it safe for me. We'll frame it one day and have a grand old party when we do. We'll sit out on the porch and eat boiled peanuts and drink birch beer to celebrate. How's that sound?"
"Sounds mighty fine," my dad says, and everything is good once again.
We talk for a bit more, but when I give a big yawn into the phone, I regretfully tell him I need to get some sleep. He tells me he loves me and I tell him right back. We hang up and I set the alarm on my phone before plugging it into my charger beside the nightstand.
Snuggling down into my covers, I think about Ben and Zack. I never knew my mother, since she died while having me. I've heard stories about her and seen lots of pictures, but it's a very pale substitute. Ben's pretty young, and I wonder how much he'll actually remember of his mom. I know Zack tries to keep her memory alive and well. Her pictures are all over the house and he talks about her to Ben quite a bit.
At dinner tonight, as we were eating the pot roast I had made, Ben just blurted out of nowhere, "This was mom's favorite dinner, right, Dad?"
I paused with a bite of carrot halfway to my mouth, and wondered quickly if I had committed some type of faux pas by making it. I hadn't thought anything of it, the pot roast sitting nicely in the freezer just waiting to be cooked.
Zack just smiled at Ben but shook his head. "No, bud. It's my favorite, but your mom loved cooking it for me. She always said the way to a man's heart was through his stomach."
Ben giggled and Zack cut his eyes to me briefly. He was smiling for Ben's benefit, but I could see it didn't reach his eyes. I could see that the pot roast was bringing up bittersweet memories, but I had to admire the way in which he refused to push them down, but rather celebrated them with Ben so he'd always keep something of his mom with him. I very much respected the way he acknowledged Gina's memory and kept it existent for his son.
I make a mental note to approach Zack at some point to talk about Gina. I'd like to know if there was anything special she would do for Ben that we should continue doing, so we can continue to celebrate her influence on her son. That's going to be a tricky conversation, because Zack didn't deny it when I called him out...told him that I was sure it was difficult to have another woman caring for Ben.
I'd have to play this one by ear and hope that over the coming weeks Zack and I will ease into some type of mutual partnership that will promote the ability to talk about these things. I'm figuring the best way to make that happen is for him to get to know me a little bit, and that will just have to come naturally as we spend more time around each other.
Chapter 5
Zack
Coach Pretore blows the whistle in one long blast and calls out, "Okay, that's it for today. Hit the showers."
Everyone turns and starts skating for the open wooden gate that will lead under the Cold Fury arena and back toward the locker room. As is custom, Coach stands by the door and fist-bumps each player as he walks through.
Alex and Garrett skate up to me, one on either side, as we get in line behind the other guys, who walk through one by one. Alex taps his stick against my leg. "Great practice, man. Looking really good."
"Thanks," I say with a smile, which has been coming easier since I've been back on the ice this week. "Felt good."
Felt fucking amazing, actually. It's Wednesday and I just finished my third practice back with the team. I've quickly knocked the rust off my stick-handling and skating skills. My endurance and stamina are completely intact, as I've been running diligently during my recovery and working with the weights as best I could. My wrist feels pretty good, with just some minor aches and stiffness. In fact, I feel like I'm playing better than I ever have, and I think that may be due to the fact that I'm desperate for something to get me out of the dark place I've been living in.
"You are so ready to get back in the game," Garrett says, and I couldn't agree more. For the first time in four months, outside of the love I have for Ben, I'm starting to feel a stirring deep inside me of excitement and hope. I'm ready to start making my way back.
When we reach the gate, Coach holds his fist out for me. "Great job, Grantham. I want you to suit up for Saturday's game."
I tap my glove toward him and push. "What about tomorrow's game?"
He shakes his head sternly at me. "Saturday. Deal with it."
I grimace at him but nod my acceptance. "Thanks, Coach."
As the three of us lumber on our skates back to the locker room, Garret says, "Let's go out and celebrate tonight."
"Hell, yeah," Alex says. "Without our women, okay?"
I wince over his words, innocent as they were. He
didn't mean anything by it...only that it would be a guys' night out. But I can't help but think that the no-women policy tonight just isn't a problem for me.
My woman is dead.
"I'm fucking sorry," Alex murmurs as he places his hand on my shoulder. "I wasn't thinking."
I look at him and Garrett, both of their eyes worried and sympathetic. "It's okay," I assure them with a smile. "Guys' night out sounds awesome."
They both continue to stare at me warily, so I reach out and give each of them a tapping punch to the chest. "Lighten up, dudes. It's fine. Quit looking at me like that."
Their looks now turn to skepticism, and I turn away from them with an exasperated grunt. "All right, you fucking pussies...I'm hitting the shower. When you two get your tampons pulled out, come find me and we'll go out."
I hear Alex snicker and then Garrett lets out a bark of a laugh before saying, "Our boy is back."
I shake my head and smile as I walk into the locker room. I'm not all the way back, but I see the door sitting wide open and I've stepped through. I've got my hockey career back on track and Ben is being cared for.
And he's being cared for well.
It's with reluctance that I admit that Delaney was absolutely right about Kate being perfect for the job. She's settled into her role with amazing ease. She cares for Ben with the utmost diligence and patience, and every day this past week I've seen his attachment to her cementing hard. That causes me relief, but sadly, it also causes some bitterness within me. At first I thought I was angry over her stepping in and filling Gina's shoes, and there is an element of that, no doubt. But as Ben starts gravitating toward Kate, he is equally pulling away from me.
I hadn't realized that Ben and I had grown much closer since Gina's death, since I was his sole caretaker and parent. He came to me for every problem. We clung on to each other in our grief. He was the only thing that made me happy, and our entire existence was only for each other.
That's all melting away now as Ben is opening up to a new relationship and I can't help but feel somewhat jealous over it. Ludicrous, I know, but there you have it.
As I reach my locker, I pull out my phone and quickly call Kate. She answers with that country drawl of hers: "Hey, Zack."