Lilly chatters on about the game, but my mind drifts as I put away the groceries. I love seeing Lilly so animated and enraptured with her new life here. She's fit in easily, adapting quickly to going to school and forging a relationship with her father.
I wish it were that easy for me, but I'm more confused than ever over my feelings for Marek. I could kick myself a thousand times for ever letting those three words out of my mouth a week ago.
"I love you."
I should have had better control. I shouldn't let my body and my heart interconnect. It was impossible to contain myself, the feel of him inside of me all consuming. So big and thick and filling me up so completely, I could barely breathe from the intensity of the moment.
But those three words managed to escape all the same, and I wish I could take them back. Not because I don't mean them, but because I do mean them. I mean them with all my heart, and it's too disappointing that Marek doesn't want to receive them.
Or at least that's what I've taken away from that night a week ago.
For the next five nights until he had to leave for another road trip, Marek made love to me in his bed. Once Lilly was asleep, he'd silently pull me in there and strip me down. Sometimes he'd fuck me furiously, and other times slowly. Marek had no problem letting his body convey whatever emotions he was feeling for me. It's been intense, the way he silently worships my body, taking me to the greatest of heights night after night. But he doesn't love me, and I'm careful never to mention those words again.
How can I when I've got nothing but doubt swirling around me now?
Doubt about Marek and my place here in his home. Doubt about whether I should even be here in North Carolina, setting myself up for perhaps another heartbreak.
I can never allow myself to forget what caused the rift between Marek and me in the first place. He left me. He decided he didn't love me anymore. He wanted a life without me. A life with other things that weren't me.
I've been getting subtle reminders of that, and I'd chosen to ignore those things. But because my heart is getting too wrapped up again with him, I've got to keep my expectations low.
Marek FaceTimed Lilly just before she went to bed the other night. It was getting late for her here, but we were cuddled on the couch together watching a movie and I didn't want that moment to end. I know Lilly's growing up on me, so I take advantage of all the cuddles I can get.
Lilly went nuts when she saw Marek's face on my phone screen, and I muted the television as Lilly answered it.
"There's my girl," Marek said as he smiled into the camera on his phone.
"Hey, Daddy," she chirped, holding the phone up so close to her face that I doubt he could see much more than her nose and lips on his end. I grabbed the top of my phone and gently pulled it back so Marek could get a full view of her. "Are you playing hockey?"
Lilly doesn't understand the road trips. In her mind, Daddy is just always on the ice playing. She doesn't get the travel or the days off between games. That night he called was an off-night, and I could tell Marek was just freshly showered, as his hair was a little damp.
He'd asked Lilly how her day was and they chattered away as I watched. Then Holt's face appeared in the screen, nudging Marek to the side. He clamped a hand on Marek's shoulder and said into the camera, "Lilly! What's up, princess?"
Lilly giggled but didn't say anything, just stared at the screen.
"Come on, man," Holt said to Marek. "Uber driver is here."
Holt then waved at Lilly. "Night, Lilly."
"Good night," she said.
Marek brought the camera a little closer to his face. "I got to go, but I want to talk to your mommy first."
"Okay," Lilly said as she turned to hand the phone to me.
Marek's words stopped her. "I love you, Lilly."
"Love you too," she said, and grinned back at him. A beautifully sweet ache thumped in the center of my chest, seeing the love between them and also knowing it was only between them.
Lilly handed me the phone and I turned it fully to me, putting a bright smile on my face. "Hey. What's up?"
It seemed as if Marek was drinking in my face for a moment before he smiled. "Just wanted to check in to see how you're doing."
"We're doing great. Lilly misses you."
"Do you miss me?" he'd asked, and the mischievous tone in his voice told me that he expected me to say yes.
And because I did miss him, I was truthful. "Of course I do."
"That's my girl," he replied.
My heart swelled over the possessive tone in his voice and the husky richness that caused my belly to flutter.
Then the moment was ruined when Holt's face came back into view. He saw it was me and said, "Hey, Gracen. Let your man go. We've got places to go and people to see."
I made my smile brighter and even laughed. "Sure thing. You guys have fun tonight."
"Oh, we will," Holt said before disappearing from the screen. I could hear his voice, though. "Come on, Marek."
Marek glanced over his shoulder then back to me. He gave me a sheepish smile and a shrug. "We're going to go grab some dinner and drinks."
"Have fun," I'd told him, hoping my voice sounded as earnest as I wanted my heart to feel. I never want to hold him back.
"I will," he'd said back. Not in a gloating way, but in a way that told me all the same that he loved this partially nomadic life.
It was a reminder to me to keep my heart shielded and to shelve expectations.
Yet a small part of me held out hope.
Still holds out hope.
There have been good things. Really good things, sometimes reminiscent of the younger Marek I fell in love with years ago. One day he brought me home a jersey. A Fabritis jersey to match the one he'd given Lilly. He had me come watch another night game, and afterward we didn't go out but came back to the house and made love all night long.
He's been openly affectionate to me. In front of Lilly, who thinks nothing of it, and in front of his parents, who raised their eyebrows the first time he came up behind me and kissed me on the neck while they watched.
And every night when he's in Raleigh, I'm in his bed. Sure, he hasn't said anything about moving my clothes down from the guest room upstairs. And he hasn't asked me to come watch every game. I mean, I know I'll never get an invitation to travel on the road with him, because that would probably impinge on the freedom he probably still craves. I won't be a part of that inside club within the franchise.
I take a deep breath, resolving to focus on the good things, but to keep my expectations realistic. That's about the best I can do.
"Mommy." I hear Lilly's voice and look down to find her tugging on my shorts. She holds the phone up to me. "G-Pa wants to talk to you."
I smile at her and take the phone, turning the screen to me. My mom is gone and it's just my dad's face.
"Hey," I say sweetly in my daddy's-girl voice that I can't seem to get rid of despite the fact I'm an adult.
Dad chuckles. "Seems like Lilly's turned into a hockey nut."
I can't help but laugh. "Yeah...she's really taken to the sport now that she knows that's her daddy's job."
"Listen," my dad says in a swift change of subject. "I just wanted to let you know I got a call from Mr. Waller a few days ago."
"Owen's dad?" I ask in shock, even though I know it can't be anyone else.
My dad nods. "He said he was extending the loan for six months."
"Just like that?" I ask suspiciously.
"Just like that," my dad confirms. "The attorney we hired is guiding us through the negotiations with the gas company that wants to purchase our property. It will probably take a few months to get it all done, but well before the six months is up. I just wanted you to know, honey, that we're okay and you don't need to worry about us."
The smile that comes to my face feels good. Not forced, the way I had to do with Marek the other night, but genuinely warm and gracious. "I'm glad. That's one stress of
f my plate."
Of course, that leads to my father wanting to know all about my stresses. That leads to mom coming back onto the screen, both of them grilling me on how things are going with my job and between Marek and me. I give them the details on the job, but play it vague with Marek, telling them only what I'd just resolved myself to do.
I'll focus on the good things we have, but keep my expectations for anything more to a realistic minimum. That should keep me safe.
Chapter 25
Marek
I keep my hand on Gracen's back as we trail the maitre d' through the restaurant. As requested when I'd made the reservation the other day, the put us near the back in a semisecluded round booth. Gracen slides in and I follow her.