His face blurred for a moment as she blinked away tears. ‘I want you more than I want Simon, Joel,’ she said shakily at last. ‘Much more.’
It was after all no less than the truth, and what he had done to her diminished him as much as it did her. Her body which had ached and hungered for his possession felt curiously drained of all feeling as he moved slowly and skilfully within her, rather like an overwound toy that was now broken, Lissa thought hazily, conscious of an overwhelming desire to break down and cry. Where she had ached for physical fulfilment now she ached for an emotional commitment to match her own. She heard Joel swear and then withdraw from her, but she was feeling too numb and lacerated to react.
‘Lissa … what’s wrong?’ There was a raw uncertainty in Joel’s voice that made her want to reach out and comfort him, but something stopped her. Joel didn’t want her, he wanted Marisa. She felt her heart harden and shrink into a block of ice.
‘Lissa!’
The tone of his voice demanded a response, but all she could manage was a flat, ‘Using substitutes doesn’t seem to work, does it, Joel?’ before she slid down into a yawning black void of nothingness.
CHAPTER NINE
SHE WAS VIOLENTLY ILL when she woke up in the morning—a sure sign that she must have eaten something that disagreed with her, Lissa thought as she washed and dressed.
Joel was up already, and mentally thanking God that she did not have to face him she made her way downstairs. They could not go on the way they were, last night had shown her that. What had happened to the compassionate tender man she had briefly known? She went into the kitchen, grimacing when she caught the smell of bacon and eggs.
Mrs Fuller looked at her in concern.
‘Are you all right?’
‘Just a little queasy,’ Lissa explained. ‘Something I ate, I expect.’
The housekeeper grinned at her. ‘If you say so.’
It was several seconds before the import of her teasing remark sank into Lissa’s consciousness. When it did, she went pale and sat down heavily on one of the chairs, staring blankly at the wall. Dear God, she hadn’t thought of that! What if she should be pregnant?
Impossible! Hardly, an inner voice taunted her—in fact it was all too probable. She had simply never thought about using any form of birth control. It had never been necessary. While she was trying to come to terms with her shock, Joel and the girls walked in. All three of them looked healthily windblown, their cheeks glowing, Emma on Joel’s shoulder, while Louise clung to his hand.
‘Joel said we were to let you rest,’ Louise announced, releasing Joel to run over to Lissa, clambering on to her knee and cuddling into her. She was discovering in her elder niece a very deep need to exhibit her affections physically, and Lissa responded to her unspoken plea for reassurance, hugging and kissing her.
‘We went for a walk,’ Emma announced as Joel placed her in her high chair.
Mrs Fuller served them breakfast, and Lissa felt relieved when she was simply given two slices of dried toast. Joel raised his eyebrows.
‘I’m not hungry,’ Lissa told him hastily, avoiding his eyes, and grateful for the housekeeper when she kept silent, merely exc
hanging a thoughtful glance with her over Joel’s downbent head. She had dreaded facing him this morning after the way she was sure she must have betrayed herself to him last night, but now she had something even more worrying on her mind. What on earth would she do if she was pregnant?
Stop thinking about it, she cautioned herself, it’s probably nothing … too much rich food last night. She ought to have been reassured, but somehow she was not.
When he looked at her again there was a strange bitter tension in his eyes, a tightness to his mouth that took her back to that night almost ten years ago. Unknowingly she flinched, pushing her plate away, shivering slightly, aware of Joel getting up and coming towards her, and almost cringing away from him as he did so. How could she bear to have him touch her now when she knew that every time he did, it was another woman he had in his heart.
The phone rang shrilly, the sound harsh and challenging. Joel frowned, glanced at her, and then walked across the kitchen to pick up the receiver. Once he had moved away from her Lissa was conscious of an easing of the constriction in her muscles. Louise and Emma were both far too young yet to be aware of the strained atmosphere between the adults, but Mrs Fuller must have noticed it. If only she had known about Marisa before she agreed to marry Joel! Even loving him as she now admitted she did, she would not have done so. While she had thought there was no other woman in his life she had hoped, ridiculously no doubt, that somehow a miracle would occur and Joel would eventually turn to her with more than mere physical desire and compassion.
Compassion! She checked a bitter little laugh. There had been precious little of that between them these last few days. In fact if she hadn’t seen that other side of him she would never have believed it existed.
‘Lissa.’
She turned at the sound of Joel’s voice, abrupt and grim. ‘It’s for you,’ he told her, holding out the receiver. ‘Guess.’
Simon? Ringing her, but why, Lissa wondered, automatically getting up and walking over to the phone.
Joel moved away the moment she reached him. He looked angry, she noticed, his mouth compressed. A spurt of defiant anger welled up inside her. If it was permissible for him to have his affair with Marisa then what right had he to look so annoyed simply because another man telephoned her.
She turned her back on him, holding the receiver close to her ear.
‘Lissa is that you?’
‘Yes, Simon.’