Paper-pale, she whispered, ‘And what was that?’
‘Shop till you drop.’
Sarah bowed her head, feeling she deserved that. Dear God, how could she have abandoned every principle and spent his money even before she married him? Even Gina, not known for her scruples concerning money, had been shocked. That horrible contract and, yes, why didn’t she finally admit it? After all even Alex had seen right through her.
She had wanted so badly to look her best. She had wanted so badly not to see distaste or derision in his eyes. But she had not been aware of that pitiful subconscious motivation until now and she had not been trying to attract him...had never imagined that that could be within her power.
‘I shouldn’t have used your money before we were married,’ she mumbled with the innate honesty that was so much a part of her character.
‘That pittance? I expect you to buy maybe half one dress for that amount! And why do you think you were given those cards? I was praying you would go shopping and do something with yourself.’
Somehow that made it even more humiliating. In all her life, Sarah had never felt so agonisingly, rawly vulnerable. She couldn’t look at him. Her own tightly linked hands were blurring under her vision, hot, painful tears gathering in her eyes. All of a sudden she wished she were a real bitch. Maybe she could have coped better with Alex.
Alex plucked one of the flowers from the canopy above the bed and cast it on the bedspread. ‘I’ll be one hell of a lot easier to live with when you stop pretending to be something you’re not...’
The instant the door shut on him, the dam burst. She thrust her face violently into a pillow, terrified that he might hear the shuddering sobs tearing for an exit from her shivering body. She was just so angry with herself! She was just so appalled by the extent of her own weakness!
Almost twenty-five years old and she had behaved like a sex-starved adolescent when he’d touched her. All he had had to do was tell her that he wanted her and she had been so damned grateful and flattered, she had let him make love to her! A sixteen-year-old girl, very lacking in confidence, still existed inside her—a sixteen-year-old girl who had once been very badly hurt. And that teenager still inside her had ensured that tonight she was even more badly hurt. She had told herself that she was happy to live alone, that she didn’t need any man to make her life more meaningful, and she had begun to believe that, denying her own loneliness, denying that she had sexual feelings and needs like other women. She had felt safe that way. She hadn’t had to open herself up to the risk of being hurt again. She had convinced herself that she was single by choice, not single because no man who ever attracted her asked her out...but that was closer to reality.
Alex was gorgeous but she had blocked that awareness with the ease of long practice. It had not occurred to her that he could find her attractive and instinctively she had refused to admit or recognise that his devastating good looks and powerful physical presence were affecting her. But Alex had read her like an open book. Alex had known that she was his for the asking before he’d even laid a finger on her. Alex was highly sexed and very experienced, easily able to pick up on and interpret a woman’s response to him...even if that same woman was too naïve to know that she was putting out that response.
Now she had to live with the knowledge that Alex had invaded her bed purely because he saw that as his right. For some peculiar reason, best known to himself, Alex did find her physically attractive. But that was her only appeal and not something she could even feel marginally good about in the light of his subsequent behaviour. Alex was still seething over the fact that she had demanded that he marry her and only a very stupid woman would have let her guard drop to the extent she had.
Alex thought she had used an innocent baby to trap herself a very rich husband. He didn’t believe that she loved Nicky. He didn’t believe that his brother had told such outrageous lies...in fact, he didn’t much want to hear anything about what had motivated her before their marriage. He didn’t seem to believe a single thing she said. Indeed, he fondly imagined she was putting on some silly act to try and impress him and bring him round to the idea that their marriage might have a real future.
She couldn’t win against odds like that. She would be damned if she was a bitch and damned if she wasn’t. In anguish, she thought back painfully to her hideously mortifying response to his lovemaking. Even though her experience with men was severely limited, she had forgotten the one fact she did know. Men always wanted sex. Men were just programmed that way. And just because Alex was gorgeous and rich and spoilt for choice when it came to satisfying his sexual needs it didn’t mean Alex was one whit different from any of the other men who had tried to pounce on her.
No, she thought sickly, the only thing different about Alex was that he had succeeded where the others had failed. Succeeded effortlessly, too. Her swollen face burned hot. And then he got out of bed, the conquering hero, the gentleman that he wasn’t, and he tore her apart and he made her feel cheap and stupid and outstandingly naïve because she had actually believed that he had changed towards her in some way.
Nothing had ever hurt so much. Her pride, she told herself. He had ground it to dust. Well, he would never do it again, she swore to herself. She had married him to be a mother to Nicky and nothing he could do was going to prevent her from carrying out that role. She sniffed, scrabbled for another tissue. Alex was a cruel, heartless bastard and she would never ever forget what he had done to her tonight!
CHAPTER SEVEN
‘WHO is the most handsome boy in the world? Who has the most gorgeous brown eyes and silky black hair?’ Sarah whispered, lying on her stomach on the carpet, as smilingly intent on Nicky, who was kicking and waving his arms, as Nicky was intent on her. ‘And you’re not going to grow up and kiss the girls to make them cry, are you?’ she sighed. ‘I want you to be sensitive and loving and romantic. It takes a real man to be those things...don’t you ever listen to anybody telling you different—’
‘Is this a private indoctrination session or can anyone join in?’
Sarah froze, her head jerking up to focus in horror on Alex’s hand-stitched Italian leather shoes. Dear heaven, how could it be that time already? She always made sure she was well out of the way during Alex’s visits to the nursery. And as a rule she was very efficient in her timing. In the past two weeks, she had actually gone forty-eight hours twice without even laying eyes on Alex in the distance. With a little effort, it wasn’t difficult. Alex was a creature of habit and routine as regards his working day, and the hours he set aside for becoming acquainted with his nephew were equally regular.
Feeling dreadfully ill at ease, her face hotly flushed, Sarah lifted up on to all fours and then back on to her heels. Then she discovered that squinting up at Alex from that angle merely made him more intimidating and she hurriedly sprang upright, skimming taut hands down over her jean-clad hips, tugging at the T-shirt, still damp from Nicky’s bath, conscious that it was clinging to her braless breasts.
‘If you turn him into a sensitive, loving, romantic guy,’ Alex drawled with lashings of sarcasm, ‘he’ll be a pushover for every gold-digger in Europe.’
‘I don’t see why,’ she muttered helplessly, staring at his scarlet silk tie. ‘Those kind of p-personality traits do not exclude intelligence and caution—’
‘They do in my book.’ Alex released his breath in a sudden hiss. ‘Look at me...’
Sarah swallowed hard and did so. And that ghastly weak-at-the-knees sensation took over just as she had feared it would. She connected with dark golden eyes and the world started to spin and her mind went terrifyingly blank. Worse, every quivering skin cell went shamelessly on red alert. She had worked incredibly hard at willing these things to stop happening to her, but so far she
could not feel that success was within reach. It was gruesome...all her life to have rejoiced in supreme self-control and then to be presented with Armageddon in the shape of a mere male.
Every time she looked at Alex he got more gorgeous. She searched for a flaw and couldn’t find one. She reminded herself of how in every field he failed her standards for the mythical ideal man and still she was plunged into this appallingly adolescent state of sexual awareness every time he came within ten feet of her! She felt like an arsonist holding dry paper, desperate for the match to ignite her conflagration.
No...nobody had ever told her and she had never dreamt that her thoughts and her reactions could rove so violently out of her control. But somehow Alex had done this to her in one night... Dear heaven, if he was to approach her again, what devastation might he then leave in his wake? She reminded herself that Alex had had his revenge. He had made love to her. He had asserted his truly unforgivable conviction that she had no rights whatsoever over her own body. Why on earth should he want to do it again?
It occurred to her that Alex’s gaze had turned pure gold and in addition to his extraordinarily long silence his eyes were wandering over her slowly but with sizzling intensity. Alarm bells went off madly inside her head. Sarah dredged her eyes from his and dropped them, but that was a mistake... She noticed, absolutely could not help but notice that Alex was unmistakably in a state of sexual arousal.
Her face so hot it could have doubled for a frying-pan on fire, Sarah tore shocked but dismayingly fas-cinated eyes from the alarmingly tight fit of Alex’s superbly tailored trousers and, at speed, bent down, scooped up Nicky and hurriedly planted him back into his cot.