“You’re safe now baby, you’re home.” I squeezed her hand as I brushed her hair, trying to get a response but she went still again and frustration ate a hole in my gut.
Why wouldn’t she wake up? Was the doctor not telling me something? How could she be asleep this long, was she in a coma?
New fear gripped me as I dropped back into my seat helplessly. What if she never wakes up? What if I have to watch her die without any answers? I stemmed the flow of my thoughts before they got the better of me.
That won’t happen, I won’t let it. She grew restless again, but still her eyes remained closed. When she didn’t calm immediately I climbed into the small bed next to her and wrapped an arm around her and took one of her hands in my free one.
I could feel her life force this way. Feel the beating of her heart, strong, reassuring. Since she seemed to respond to my voice before I started talking, saying all the things that had been locked away inside my heart while she was gone.
“Do you know how much I missed you baby? I thought my life would end when you were gone. I didn’t want to live in a world without you. The only reason I’m still here is because I knew deep down that you’d come back to me.”
“I never stopped wishing, hoping, praying.” She was still as stone, only her breathing, the soft rise and fall of her chest assured me that she was still alive.
“Why won’t you open your eyes and talk to me love? Do you think I’m mad at you? Because I’m not!” Once I started talking I couldn’t seem to stop and the words just flowed freely from my lips.
“Those first few days, I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. It was hard for me to even breathe. I couldn’t eat, sleep or think. Missing you was like an everlasting ache in my gut that refused to go away.”
“I know the only reason I stayed alive was so I could one day see your face again. But there were many times I wanted to die. I didn’t want to face another day without you. But always the thought of you coming back to me kept me going.”
“I missed having you next to me, hearing your sweet laughter. Standing in the doorway watching you when I came home at night and you didn’t know I was there, while you puttered around the kitchen or was bent over your craft table working on some project or the other.”
“I missed hearing you call out to me the way you do when I’m inside you. Missed feeling your weight on my chest when we slept.” I had to stop to clear the lump from my throat.
The sweet memories mingled with the horror and fear I’d felt when she was gone. It was the first time in a long time that I’d let myself remember. Before, when she was still out there, they’d been too hard to hold onto.
I tried to get my arms tighter around her without causing her harm. “I didn’t know it was possible to miss someone as much as I missed you. Didn’t know what hell felt like until you were gone.” I kissed her temple when she sighed in her sleep.
“I searched for you baby. Not a day went by that I didn’t have you in my thoughts, that you weren’t with me.” I knew I was rambling but I couldn’t help myself.
There was so much I wanted to tell her, so much I needed to share. Things I had no desire to share with anyone else, that I wanted to say only to her.
I’d had days where I despaired of ever having the chance ever again in this life. But now she was here with me again and the feelings and emotions were overwhelming.
Later I’ll think about what I’m going to do to the ones responsible when I catch them. Later I’ll plot my vengeance and ways to see it through. But for now I just wanted to feel her next to me. To revel in the feel of her warm body, safe, alive.
Thoughts of my child flashed through my mind once again, followed by a sharp pain in my chest. Each time I felt that pain I had to fight the urge to shake her awake to get some answers.
From the way she was out to the world it was obvious that she needed her rest. Poor thing probably haven’t had a good night’s sleep since the night she was taken from me. I kissed her brow and drew her in close.
She seemed to calm at the sound of my voice so I picked up where I left off. If this is all I had for the next few hours so be it. At least I was holding her in my arms again.