But after I’d given into the pressure from her and everyone else around me that seemed to think that marriage to her was the answer, was the way to bring me back to life, I’d made myself commit if only to shut them the hell up.
She was a dear friend, someone I trusted and if there was no love at least there was that. I never in a million years would’ve thought myself capable of hurting her, not after the way she’d been there for me during the worst time of my life.
So why had I reacted so strongly? Why had I been so cruel? Why had I looked at her with hate in my heart when she mentioned our wedding day? Maybe that’s why I’m feeling the way I am now. I could’ve handled that better I think.
Now that I was away from there the whole thing seemed like an act in a play. I have never been so unconscionable in my dealings with anyone, especially not someone who had been so kind to me when I needed it.
But somehow tonight when I was near her, hearing her talk about our wedding, I actively hated her, hated myself for being there. She…repulsed me. It made no sense, and I had no answers for any of it.
I just know that the thought of her or anyone else walking down the aisle to meet me left a sick feeling in my soul. I didn’t want her, didn’t want anyone else but my woman. The woman who it now seemed was never coming back.
That old familiar pain hit me in the gut and I blinked away sudden tears. Will I ever get over this? Will there ever come a day when she doesn’t haunt me? Even when I knew I loved her, I never knew love could be like this.
That it could consume you in every way, even when one half of that love was gone. In my head as I thought of ‘her’ the memories came back like wisps of smoke.
Once I could remember her clearly, now it was getting harder and harder these days. When had that started happening? I can’t seem to recall.
When had I started losing the memory of her, of our life together? When had I started needing to look at a picture to remember what her face looked like? When had the very thought of her become too much to bear?
Whenever it was, they were back now in full force. I could almost smell the sweet scent of her perfume, hear her tinkling laugh in my ear as she teased me about something or other. It was as if she were here beside me; the feeling was so strong. And that last night together before she disappeared…
I’d spent it buried deep inside her, riding her hard as I whispered how much I loved her in her ear. I could still feel the sting of her nails as they bit into my flesh when she came.
Feel the warm sweetness of her pussy juice as it coated my cock that kept driving into her even as she throbbed around my pounding flesh. Her screams of pleasure…
I tried pushing those thoughts aside. Thoughts I’d had to let go for my own sanity. But even as I tried the memories kept flashing back and forth in my mind. My woman looking up at me with such love in her eyes they shone bright.
I fought back each memory as quickly as it tried to materialize. I knew if I let them they’d take me over again and I’d go back to being lost. I’ve been able in the past few months to keep them at bay, but tonight they were a force to be reckoned with.
The more I fought to dispel them, the faster they came. I could hear her calling for me, could hear the fear in her voice as I’ve imagined it a thousand times. All the questions returned about that day, the day she left me.
What had really happened? Had she walked away like the cops believed? Or was it like I’ve always felt, and someone had taken her? And if so, who why?
Where was she right now? Was she hurt was she even alive? Was someone even now …No I can’t let myself go there, I can’t bring myself to think of such darkness where my baby was concerned.
I pounded my fist against the steering wheel in frustration as I ruthlessly pushed the thoughts aside. Only this time they refused to leave me, taking over my mind completely.
I was too weak to fight anyway as whatever sickness this was that I’d come down with was sapping all my energy, leaving me open and at the mercy of the thoughts in my head.
As if on a reel those thoughts kept playing over and over again until I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I relived the hell of not knowing all over again like I hadn’t already suffered this shit for the better part of two years.