“What do you want?” I’d give him anything, but he didn’t want to know that. He liked to work for every concession, earn every ounce of praise. He’d make a great soldier.
His gaze remained cast toward the floor, his posture rigid, his arms behind his back and his shoulders lifting with labored breaths. “I want to touch you. Please you.”
I wasn’t sure what other people did, but this was all I knew. It was everything Gavin confessed to wanting, and his fantasies spoke to me the moment I first heard them. “Get on the bed.”
He climbed onto the mattress and rolled to his back, crossing his hands over his head where a pair of leather studded cuffs draped. He never touched me first. Everything was my choice, and he only put his hands on me if I commanded it. I went to the drawer where he kept his other toys.
He was, without a doubt, the safest person I had in my life, and it pained me to imagine him leaving, which was why I had to get the hell out of there, too. “Do you want pain?”
He sucked in a sharp breath, the sound full of palpable anticipation. “Yes, please.”
I wasn’t gentle with him, and he preferred I not be. Gavin had his own difficult demons to overcome. He sometimes said the only way to numb the pain of his past was to create pain in the present. I got that. For me, the only way to escape the uncertainty of my present was to take control of the now. Gavin gave me control, and I was addicted to the rush that came with his surrender.
If there was something broken in us, we fixed it for each other. “Spread your legs.”
* * *
My gaze lifted to the ceiling as a tear rolled from my eye, the memories fading the way precious love letters become more tattered each time they’re reread. Gavin died in action the November after he enlisted and I rarely let myself think of him.
We made a promise the day he left. We were both getting out of Blackwater, and neither of us ever wanted to look back, not even for each other. It was survival of the fittest and holding on to the past would be an anchor keeping us there.
Nothing about me and Gavin’s relationship was ever meant to be permanent, but he released something inside of me that wouldn’t go away. He helped me find a piece of me I hadn’t known was there and after losing him, that piece remained.
I had no regrets for the short yet defining time he was a part of my life. He was the one person I wished could watch me graduate in the spring, but that was impossible.
I rolled to my side and wiped my eyes. There was a reason I didn’t let people in. Friends were wonderful—while they lasted. But when they disappeared, the pain was unbearable. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to take that kind of risk again.
But part of me wanted Noah as a friend. There was something different about him, something I struggled to resist. Finding him attractive complicated matters. But what attracted me most of all was the thought that I might be ready to try to make friends. Was my life finally reaching that point of normal? God, I hoped so.
13
Avery
Barely awake, I took the elevator to the bottom floor. Last night I’d tossed and turned until I was certain I wouldn’t sleep. Around three in the morning, I decided to release some tension, so I pulled out some heavy artillery.
There I was, having a nice old time with myself, picturing God knows what, when Noah’s face suddenly popped into my head. He was looking down at me, eyes heavy, mouth crooked in a half grin, strong hands touching my breasts, pinching me, pinning me…
I shoved away the images but my body responded too soon. Legs quivering, heart racing, the memory of those visions sent my sex into overdrive. Fuck!
I’m supposed to be in command here! Could I not even maintain control when I fingered myself?
“Damn it.” I blew out a frustrated breath. Not what I had in mind.
I passed out for a couple of hours until my alarm went off at dawn, and now I was zombie-walking my exhausted ass to the gym. Damn Noah. He wasn’t supposed to be in my head, and he certainly wasn’t supposed to be in my fantasies. He was ruining everything.
Thinking we could be friends was a mistake. From now on, I was not going to think about him. If I saw him, fine, I’d be polite. But there would be no downtime Noah thoughts. I should have never let him touch me last night.
Swiping my card through the keypad, I pushed into the gym and froze. Was someone here? No one ever used the gym this early besides me. Great. I hated working out around other people, and I didn’t bring anything to cover up. Hopefully, it was a woman, because my sports bra and booty shorts weren’t exactly concealing and I wasn’t going back upstairs.