My smile was slow. “That’s the fun of it. I’ll let you know when I decide.”
“No.” He shook his head. “We aren’t playing a game, we’re having a conversation.”
“What do you want to know, Noah? You want answers? I don’t know why I’m this way, but I am. It’s who I’ve always been. You might sneak a few nights of male domination in when my radar is down, but in the end, I am who I am.”
“But you go out with men who…”
I raised a brow, daring him to judge me based on my occupation. “Consider it my professional persona.”
He dragged a hand through his damp hair and let out a breath. “You go out with all these guys who … buy you things. You make a trade out of letting men dote over you. I think you’re lying if you can’t admit wanting a man to take care of you on some level.”
“I can take care of myself. They’re paying my tuition. Everything else is just fluff. And last I checked, fucking is fucking. That has nothing to do with how I make a living because I don’t screw my clients.”
Oh God… Was I actually considering changing that rule? Could I have sex with Micah?
“That’s what I mean, Avery. You have different rules for different situations, but you’re the same woman in all those scenarios, so maybe you prefer to live a little bit in both worlds.”
Being a sugar baby put me in a subservient role where empathy was key, and my main purpose was to see that my Daddies’ needs were met. Part of me liked serving that purpose and nurturing in an emotional sense. I never really thought about it, but it was a complete contradiction to what I wanted in my personal life.
At home, I wanted control, order, and obedience. I wanted my words and desires to be law. Out there, I had no such authority. Or did I? I chose my clients, made the rules, and negotiated my rate.
Was it possible to be a little bit of both? Because I loved having men take care of me, yet… None of their attention was genuine. Nor was my response. It was all bought.
No. I had control. He was confusing things. He looked at things through a novice lens, and there were layers upon layers of rationale behind my choices.
“Domination isn’t about sex, Noah. It’s about social anxiety, the bending of a strong will, the feeling of outmaneuvering someone who should be stronger. Having submissive traits in public tells nothing about a person’s behavior in private. There are countless female CEOs who love to come home and play the submissive. It’s the role reversal that gets them off. I might have the occasional tendency to nurture, but at the end of the day I like when men…”
Beg? Squirm? Worship me? Grow frantic with desperate need? Suffer at the brink of a climax that would inevitably be denied? Jeez, maybe there was something wrong with me.
“I just like control,” I said, deciding that word summed it up enough. “I like sex when I’m in total control. Last night, you stole that from me—again.”
“I’m pretty sure you handed it over. If I recall, your words were, fuck me like you mean it. I did exactly what you told me to do.”
Huh. Maybe that’s why I let him treat me that way. My eyes had watered as he pinned me down and rammed his cock down my throat, choking me… And I fucking loved it.
I fucked up. Where was that precise moment I could feel his will bending under mine?
It hadn’t happened.
Noah never ceded control. Yet, he had me bending every humanly way possible last night.
Damn him! What was it with this guy? What was so special about him? I didn’t want to keep making these mistakes. I liked sex when I was in control, and the longer he fucked with me and proved otherwise, the more my authority and common sense took a hit.
“Avery,” he said my name quietly, drawing my attention back to the conversation. “Could it be possible that you’re wrong? Maybe—before—there were certain circumstances that made your life feel out of control, and you were supplementing. Could it be that things are better now? You’re almost finished school, and you have a great apartment. Maybe whatever had happened before isn’t a threat anymore and you can let go now. Is that such a bad thing?”
My gaze hardened. I didn’t like feeling psychoanalyzed. “Gee whiz, Noah, maybe you’re right. If I could just pinpoint that moment of my childhood that broke me, you could fix me up.” I looked up at him, just a waif with big eyes. “We could try pushing my limits and safe wording when things got too intense. Either way, I’m sure your magic cock can save the day.”