“No, Parker, it’s the most powerful distraction to our existence.”
He came over to her chair and dropped to his knees. “Why exist at all if it’s not beside someone you care about, someone to share it all with, the ups, the downs, the great moments and the hardships that cut us in two? We’re meant to have partners in the world, Scout, someone to make us feel complete and right. Don’t close yourself off because of one asshole. Time will fix things. You just have to be patient.”
It shouldn’t bother her, but every time Parker referred to Lucian by a nasty label, her mind conjured a memory that disproved his words. She thought of the moment Lucian burst into the mill last winter, how he scooped Pearl into his arms and carried her out of that hellish place. She remembered the day they celebrated her first birthday. Her heart tightened. He wasn’t an asshole.
Or was he? She recalled the day he had embarrassed her in front of Shamus and the look in his eyes when he realized he’d upset her. His apology was so raw and clearly unfamiliar to his lips, yet he looked at her with humbled confidence and vowed to never do anything so thoughtless to her again. He’d kept that promise . . . for a while.
Her head was all over the place, no room for more. There simply was no space left to consider more of the unfamiliar.
Why did people try so hard to find love? It was awful and cruel when taken advantage of. And like all things of power, the temptation to abuse it was too easy. When someone loved a person, they surrendered everything so completely it was against human nature not to take advantage. And when they walked away, one was left exposed and vulnerable to all the ugliness.
Lucian had always been a danger to her. He did something nameless to her. He could tease her in a way that delivered her from life’s challenges. How she wished she could find that deliverance now.
Being with him gave her a sense of falling that was more addicting than anything she had ever known. He’d conditioned her to crave that loss of control he created. He taught her to wholly surrender and simply be. It was without thought, and for the first time in her life, during those moments of intimacy, she saw herself in her rawest form.
And he crushed her.
“What are you thinking?” Parker whispered, still holding her hands.
The phone pressed between her palms was a weight she couldn’t seem to let go. “I don’t know. My head’s a mess. I feel like I’m dying.”
“I’ve watched you with quiet fascination for years, Scout. You’re strong, driven. You have a fire inside of you that no one can bank. With time the hurt will fade.”
She wanted to believe he was right, but her pain was so consuming it seemed impossible. She’d been someone else over the past few months. It was her, but not. And the woman Parker was describing . . . that didn’t fit either. “You’re glorifying someone I don’t know, but I’m certain she isn’t me.”
“How can you say that? She is you.”
She was turning into some pathetic, tortured soul. Why couldn’t she see herself the way he saw her? Anger washed through her. Life was never this complicated.
Her face crumbled and she cried. The weight of all her confusion finally fell like an avalanche inside of her.
“Talk to me, Scout. I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”
“Why?” She had so many questions as to why. Why had she not been enough for Lucian? Why did he need her to marry him? Why had he simply let her walk away? How was she still living with so much agony?
“Why what?”
“Why did this happen to me?”
He touched her jaw, dragging his fingers lightly to her ear and down her throat. “Because you’re different and people see that. Patras saw it and he won’t be the last. You’re special.”
“No, I’m not. I’m incredibly selfish. I only know how to think about myself.”
“That’s not true and you know it. Every choice you’ve ever made has considered others. You never make a single move without thinking about what consequences it might hold for the people you care for. You move with purpose and always try to predict how others will follow.”
She was tired. “Like chess.”
He frowned. “What?”
“You describe me like chess.”
“I suppose that’s a good way to put it.”
“I can move whatever direction I want, yet I won’t leave the king.”
He released her and sat back, his expression suddenly hard. “And he’s the king?”
Of course. She nodded.
“What does that make the rest of us, the sacrificial pawns?”
She smiled sadly. “If you asked Lucian, he’d call you a dark knight.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because you come off unthreatening, but really, you’re quite stealthy.” She was still amazed she was sitting in Parker’s apartment, on his furniture.