Buttons & Hate (Buttons 2)

“You don’t have to sit with me. I’m fine.”

He didn’t react to my words.

I may be weak but I didn’t need his pity. “Crow, you can go.”

“Maybe I need to sit with you.” He spoke quietly, like he didn’t want me to hear.

“No, you don’t.”

“You don’t understand. Maybe you don’t need me but I need you. So please, just let me sit here.” His jaw was stern and he gripped the armrest like he would topple over at any second.

I respected his request and turned to my book. I didn’t make a sound and neither did he. We just sat together in a heavy silence, him seething and me reading. I remembered the tears he formed for me, the tears from my pain. They mirrored my own when he told me his own heartbreak over losing his little sister. We’d both cried for one another. We were connected in more ways than we realized. But that didn’t scare me anymore.

And it didn’t scare him either.

***

I was too weak to walk.

It was embarrassing.

Crow had to carry me into the bathroom every time I needed to use it, and I was unable to fetch something I needed because my body wouldn’t cooperate. I was a helpless corpse, relying on someone else to provide the things I needed.

It was humiliating.

The sun had disappeared beyond the horizon and the crickets filled the nighttime air. The fields came alive with the sounds of the breeze and the bugs that buzzed through the night. I wanted to sit there all day and appreciate the moment but I could barely keep my eyes open.

Crow sat at the edge of the couch and peered into my face. “Ready for bed?”

“Yeah...”

He lifted me into his arms and carried me back into the bedroom. The room was similar to my own but had its own qualities. It was slightly bigger and had a shower and a tub.

Instead of placing me on the bed he carried me into his bedroom and set me on his bed.

“What are you doing?”

He laid me back then lifted up my legs, removing my sweatpants. “Getting you ready for bed.”

“In your bedroom?”

He returned my feet then tucked me in like a child. He’d never been so gentle with me, even when I asked him to make love to me. His clothes were stripped away and he got into bed beside me. “Yes.” He turned off the bedroom light but didn’t snuggle beside me. He knew my body was in immense pain even with the painkillers in my system. Too much pressure on my legs or arms would cause me immense discomfort. “When you’re beside me, you’re safe.”

I stared at the contours of his face in the dark. “I’m sure I’ll be fine down the hall.”

“I want you here. Unless you don’t want to be.” Now he always gave me a choice. Before, it was his way or no way at all. I felt like an equal, not a possession.

“I do. But not if it’s going to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’d be more uncomfortable with you down the hall.” He reached for my hand under the sheet and wrapped his long fingers gently around mine. “I don’t want you to be anywhere else but here.”

***

Crow didn’t return to work. He stayed at the house and stuck to me like super glue. He didn’t like a member of his staff come near me. He was the one who brought my meals, bathed me, and kept me company.

“I understand if you need to return to work.” I sat at the table on the balcony, trying to eat everything on my plate. The medication I was on killed my appetite. I didn’t have an urge to eat anything. If I had it my way, I wouldn’t eat at all. “You don’t need to stick around for me.”

He didn’t acknowledge my statement. He ate his salad and sandwich quietly.

When he didn’t respond, I didn’t push the matter. He was silently brooding behind his exterior. He was gentle with me when he looked after me, but he also seemed angry at the same time. “It’s a beautiful day.”

“I suppose.” He ate half his food before he pushed the plate away. His appetite hadn’t been the same. He was darker than usual, seething in a silent rage. If he didn’t remind me he wanted to be there I would assume he hated me.

“I wish I could take a walk through the vineyards.” I appreciated my health so much more when I didn’t have it. Now that I couldn’t walk, I wanted to run. Now that I couldn’t use my arms I wanted to climb. One day, I would regain my strength. But the recovery would be a long process.

“I can carry you.”

“No, it’s okay.” I chuckled because Crow came to my rescue when I needed anything. If I asked him to play me a song on the harmonica he would somehow pull it off.