There’s nothing I wanted more. “But can we really do that?”
“We’ll have to.”
“You don’t want to leave...?” If she stayed and never mentioned this fiasco again, that would be perfect. But it seemed too good to be true.
“Not yet. I want to finish Bones first.”
So she did want to leave. My heart sunk into my chest and excruciating burned me everywhere. I couldn’t breathe because it hurt so much. The idea of her walking away from me was unthinkable. But could we really go on after what happened. She crossed a line that could never be uncrossed. Perhaps it was best if she left. She was already too close to me. And when people got close, they ended up with a bullet in their skull.
“But I do want to say something...” She finally met my gaze, her strength coming back.
“I’m listening.”
“Cane came to the house a few weeks ago and apologized for what he did to me. He said he never would have done that if he’d known you were in love with me. He told me that’s how you felt. And when he said that...it made me realize I felt the same way about you. If I’d known you felt otherwise I wouldn’t have said anything.”
Cane came to the house?
Without telling me?
And he told her that?
I’d kill him later.
“I had no idea.” I didn’t know what else to say. All of this went on right under my nose and I didn’t have a clue.
“I just wanted to explain where it came from. I wouldn’t have had the courage to tell you if he hadn’t said those words to me. And I know you didn’t say it back because you don’t feel the same way...but I find it hard to believe you don’t feel something. We’ve been together for a long time now and we’re inseparable. I don’t think it’s ludicrous for me to think you loved me.”
She was justifying her behavior when she didn’t have to. “You don’t need to explain.”
“But I do,” she whispered. “When I said I didn’t trust anyone and would never settle down I meant it. But I also realized you and I are the opposite sides of the same coin. You share my darkness. You share my strength. You share my weakness. We really aren’t all that different. I thought I could have a future with you. I could have something with you.”
I bowed my head, feeling the shame. “I can’t have a future with anyone, Button. I’m not safe. Anyone I get close to dies. I do my best to protect the people I care about but...sometimes it’s out of my hands. I like short-term relationships because they’re fulfilling. But I don’t want anything longer than that. People get attached and feelings get hurt. It’s just better this way.”
“Then what were you going to do if I were still your slave?” she whispered. “Have sex with me until you got bored with me? Then what?”
“No. I would never get bored of you.” That was something I couldn’t deny. “But you would never be anything more than that. You would just be another member of the staff. I would never care for you enough to be leverage. No one could use you against me because I don’t love you.” That last part burned my ears. It was an insensitive thing to say but I had to push her away. She needed to understand our time together was as beautiful as it seemed, but it only went so far. I couldn’t give her all the things she deserved. And I never would.
She didn’t react at my harshness but a storm was raging deep inside her. Her eyes couldn’t hide that fact. She looked down at her book and gripped the edges. “I’m sorry I misinterpreted everything.”
“Please don’t apologize.” I felt the same pull she experienced. But I pulled myself out of it before it was too late. We could never be anything more than what we were. When the time came I would let her go. And I would move on.
“I hope we can enjoy our time together until I leave. But if you want me to go now, I can.”
“No.” The word slipped from my mouth quickly. The idea of her walking away from me forever was too much—at least right now. I needed her in my life. I needed to feel her under me when our bodies were connected. I needed to see her smile first thing in the morning. I just...needed her. “Stay.”
“Okay. I’ll stay until the job is done.”
And then she would leave. Would I be able to let her walk away? I didn’t love her, but I did feel something noteworthy deep in my heart. It went all the way down to my soul. It was more than lust and it was more than affection. But I couldn’t love her. It wasn’t possible. And it never would be. “Okay.”