Buttons and Pain (Buttons 3)

The view from any window was more breathtaking than anything I’d ever seen. The vineyards stretched as far as the eye could see, and the low hills crept toward the sky and made a private valley just for the viewer to enjoy. The air was clean here, scented of sweet grapes and trees.

I didn’t just love it because it was a fairytale.

I loved it because it was home.

It was the first place where I felt like I belonged. Crow was the man I fantasized about marrying and spending the rest of my life with. I never thought I could trust a man after what happened to me, but it was clear I trusted Crow with my life. No matter what happened, he would be there for me.

He would protect me.

The fact there was someone just as jaded as I was made everything a little easier. I didn’t feel so broken when he was broken too. He understood me without asking questions, and he understood how I felt at any given point in the day without me having to tell him.

It was a privilege to return to this beautiful place, even if it were temporary. We hadn’t discussed what we were going to do, but I knew I would be there for a while. It wasn’t safe for me to return to America when Bones could just extract me all again. It seemed like the only place where I was safe was wherever Crow was.

And that would be perfectly fine if he felt the same way I did.

He walked out my door without looking back. He said his final farewell and was prepared to leave me in the past. If he didn’t love me then he would never love me now. And he would never love me as long as we lived.

So I couldn’t stay here forever.

One day I’d have to leave. Until then, I’d keep my heart locked up as tightly as possible. Nothing could reverse the feelings already burning in my heart. The love didn’t just exist inside my chest but everywhere else. I couldn’t erase it or pretend it wasn’t there. But I could at least stop it from growing.

Crow sat across from me at the table with his morning paper beside him. Eggs, bacon, and toast were placed in front of us along with a side of buttermilk pancakes. The food here was so much better than the stuff I was used. Everything was fresh and lacked preservatives. The eggs were picked up from the market that morning, and the sugar was pure. It was so delicious that I wasn’t sure I could ever go back to America for that reason alone.

Instead of reading his paper like he usually did, he drank his coffee and ate his food slowly. His appetite seemed slim today, and he didn’t even touch his pancakes. Most of the time Lars didn’t bring him anything sweet but today he did.

I eyed the paper. “Nothing good in there?”

“I don’t know.” He returned his cup to the saucer. “Haven’t checked.”

I didn’t bother dissecting his riddle and continued to eat my pancakes. I was starving when I woke up that morning and it didn’t seem like there was enough food in the world to make me feel full. Now that Crow was back in my life my appetite picked up because I felt the distant sensation of happiness. “Can I read the comics?”

He raised an eyebrow before he drank his coffee again. “We don’t have comics, Button.”

“What? Then what do you laugh at?”

He set his glass down and gave me his typical intense expression.

I met his look without reacting. He gave me an unusual amount of attention that morning. He didn’t seem to care about the paper or his breakfast. All he cared about was me sitting across from him. “No one cares about world affairs. They only care about how much Garfield hates Mondays, which is ironic since he doesn’t even have a job.”

“Who’s Garfield?”

“He’s this orange tabby cat that loves lasagna.”

His look never changed. “And that’s supposed to be funny.”

“It’s really funny. I’ll try to find some online to show you. You’ll get a kick out of it.”

He poured more coffee into his mug then took a bite of his egg whites. He went for a run that morning but he didn’t eat more than usual. For a man who hardly ate and committed himself to exercising I wasn’t sure how he was so muscular. “I look forward to it.”

“Are you working today?”

“No.”

He already missed nearly a month of work and he still hadn’t gone back. “You don’t need to hang out with me. I’ll be fine.”

“I know I don’t need to hang out with you.” His eyed held his amusement at the choice of words, something he would never say. “I want to hang out with you.”