“Yes.” I turn and walk into the living room. Then I cross my arms under my now giant breasts. I’ve already moved up a bra size. The pregnancy has had an immediate and visible effect on my body. Mostly my boobs. Though I feel puffy all over. Even in a loose t-shirt and cut off jean shorts, I think I look different. Sitting on the couch, he looks around absently. He’s restless, infused with nervous energy. His eyes return to me filled with manifold sentiments: relief, affection, joy…love. There’s so much love. His gaze moves over me, hitting all the salient points on my face and body.
“Why have you been avoiding me?”
“You know why.”
“You look…great,” he says wistfully. His words burrow in and wrap around my heart. Can he tell? Maybe this will go better than expected…maybe. Missing him has become so much a part of me that now that he’s here, all I want to do is drink in the sight of him. With his hair cut short and scruff covering his firm jaw, the changes are noticeable. In less than a month, he seems to have lost the weight I gained. His eyes look dim. The dark circles painted under them are still there.
“You look like shit.” I’m sure it’s written all over my face how much it bothers me to see him like this. He gives me a nod and a sad smile, which makes my chest feel tight and my throat close up.
I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.
I love him so much. More than I could ever have imagined after what I’ve suffered through. And it’s an honest love. I see him for who he really is, and love him even more for all his moles and warts, out in the open, not hiding under the veneer of his good looks or fame or any other crap that I may have once found fascinating but now couldn’t give a lick about.
“I feel like shit.”
“I’ve been watching the games. You’re playing well.” Lost in thought, he nods absently. “Looks like you guys may have a playoff team this year,” I manage through the thick chunk of emotion clogging my throat.
His warm eyes flicker to my stomach. A determined look enters them as he stands. He stuffs his hands in the pockets of his black work out pants, and shrugs up his big shoulders. Then he takes them out and crosses them in front of the wide breadth of his chest. Finally, he drops them to his sides. All this in the span of seconds.
“I can’t sleep. I can’t focus. I can’t even eat.” Slowly walking toward me, he continues speaking softly. “I need you to come back.” I put up a hand to stop him. If I touch him, if I let him hold me, I will lose it. And right now, I can’t let that happen––too much is at stake. “I’ll beg if you want me to.”
“Nothing has changed, Cal. You don’t want kids and the thing is––I get it. I understand why you don’t. I can’t imagine how difficult it must’ve been to have all that responsibility fall on your shoulders. But kids are extremely important to me. The most important thing. It would come between us later, and I won’t do that to either of us. It wouldn’t be fair.”
He rubs his brow and pinches the bridge of his nose. “What if…I compromised? What if I said I’d have one with you?”
“We both know you would be agreeing under duress.” Blowing out a deep breath, he pins me with an exasperated look.
“I’m tryin’ here, damn it. Give me somethin’ to work with.” His twang is back, which means his emotions are getting the best of him. The fact that he didn’t deny what I just said stabs my gut while tears sting my eyes, the influx of hormones running in my blood making me weepy. I can’t help him make this decision. I know what I have to do––for both of us. It’s the only way to discover his true feelings.
“I’m pregnant.”
“What?” Intense and unblinking, his gaze snaps to mine.
“I said, I’m pregnant.” I do my best to hold the eye contact for as long as I can, which happens to be not very long at all.
“The fuck…” he murmurs. His eyes move over me again, looking for evidence. And then slowly, ever so slowly, they climb back up to mine…and turn into two chips of ice.
“Whose is it?”
His voice has descended to an inhuman growl. The vein at his temple is throbbing. Everything I have been dreading for weeks is coming to fruition before my eyes. I can no longer hold back the tears. They slip down my cheeks unimpeded. I try like hell to keep my voice steady as I speak.