Shit was fucked up in high school. We had the normal teenage bullshit. But then we had the band. Guy, Hope, Chase, and I. We formed the band and it helped fill some hole for each of us. But it also added a lot of stress and responsibility that we weren’t ready for. And Hope… God, Hope had issues. Has. She has issues. I was a coward. I didn’t know how to help her, and I felt special that I knew something nobody else knew about her. It was our secret. So I did nothing to help her, and that was where I fucked up. One of my many fuck-ups along the way.
I thought Guy would never forgive me when he found out I kept her secret. And in a way, he never really has. Not fully, anyway. But I haven’t forgiven him, either, for keeping her other secret. He’s my best friend too, but he didn’t tell me about Mason. Sometimes I wonder whose betrayal hurt me more.
This brings me to our third fight. Five weeks ago, I came back to the apartment we were subletting for the summer. Classes had ended and I did so damn good on all my exams I had decided to celebrate. As usual, I went too far. I was shitfaced beyond belief when I came home. I wanted to call Hope. I missed her. I fucking missed her so bad and I wanted to tell her what she did to my life when she walked away. How I used to light up when I thought of her, but now all I associate her with is loss and failure. My loss. My failure. I wanted her to understand that I didn’t love her anymore. Not like I did. But I missed her and what we used to have.
I just wanted to feel again.
Guy doesn’t do confrontation, and he doesn’t get physical, but that night, he had my drunk ass flat on the ground. After he pried my phone out of my hand, he laid into me. Everything that he’d held in all the years we’d been friends, he let it all out.
I listened to him tell me what a shit friend I was. What a shit boyfriend I’d been to Hope. What a loser I was. And then he really went for my jugular. He brought up the biggest fuck up of my life. He looked me in the eyes and reminded me of the night I almost killed him.
He left pissed off and I started packing my shit. The next day, I moved in with Jessie.
I blink, coming out of my bad memories. When I pull into the diner’s lot, Guy looks over at me and smirks.
“Shut the fuck up,” I grind out.
“I didn’t say a word.”
“You were going to.”
He opens the door and starts for the restaurant. I sigh and follow. If he starts his match making bullshit, I’m out. I’m not even playing around. The dude lives for this. That and my embarrassment.
He knows something that most people don’t.
I was a virgin until I came to college.
That girl, Hope, she was my world. My everything. She wasn’t ready and I never pushed her. I was content to wait until she was ready. She never was. Not with me. She met someone that made her—makes her—happier than I ever could. Someone that took—takes care of her better than I did.
I thought if I waited, she would come back. She didn’t. It wasn’t until almost a year later when she went off to college in another state—with the guy she left me for—and I came here, that I finally realized it was definitely over. I went a little nuts. I started drinking worse than I ever did in high school and I started fucking my way through the female population.
The past year is a blur of physical release and emotional torture. I’ve lost myself somewhere along the way, little pieces of who I used to be are spread like breadcrumbs, but I don’t think I’ll ever find my way back.
Guy attempted to set me up several times, but after Hope, I haven’t ever wanted a serious relationship again. That’s laughable, because we were never serious. She didn’t want to label us, which meant I thought she was mine, but she didn’t want to be tied to me. Now the word relationship makes me physically ill. I gave my heart to a girl just for her to rip it out of my chest and stomp it into the dirt. I am never doing that again. Fool me once—fuck you. Fool me twice—I’m a fucking idiot who deserves what I get.
“Guy!” Lucy calls excitedly. She rushes over to give him a hug. I don’t receive the same greeting. She tucks a loose strand of hair behind the ear with all the piercings and smiles. “Hey Park.”
I nod and walk past her to my booth. I forgot my book in the car because Guy threw me off. I guess it’d be rude to sit here with him and read anyway.
I wait for him to join me, but he has his head bent toward Lucy in private conversation. She’s nodding and he’s smiling. I don’t know why it irritates me. I shake it off and start looking at the card advertising some new pie. It doesn’t even look very good, but I read it four times before Guy slides in across from me.
“She is so sweet,” he states matter-of-factly. “She said she’d bring you a milk.”
I look at the window, but all I see is my reflection. It’s the last thing I want to look at right now—then I see her gliding toward me. I turn to face her just as she sets my glass in front of me. “I wanted Coke,” I say curtly.
“Oh,” she says, her brows drawing together. “Okay. Sorry. I’ll take this back.” She gives Guy his ice tea and he shrugs. That fucking pisses me off.
“Don’t do that,” I spit.
He narrows his eyes at me. “What?”
“Don’t apologize for me.”
“I didn’t.”
“You shrugged. You might as well have said: ‘Sorry, Lucy, I don’t have a clue why he’s such a dick.’”
He sighs. “Well, someone has to do it.” And then, as if just realizing what I said, he adds, “Why are you such a dick?”
I grin tightly. “Guess I’m just special that way.”
“If you’re mad at me that’s fine, `cause I’m not real happy with you, either, but don’t take it out on Lulu. She doesn’t deserve your shit.”
My head gets light as all the blood rushes there. “She doesn’t deserve my shit, or I don’t deserve her? Come on, Guy, say what you really mean.”
He takes a drink and sets his glass down so calmly that I want to reach out and tip it over. “You deserve a good woman,” he says quietly. “Because I know you’re a good person. You’ve just buried him so deep I’m having a hard time finding him anymore. You need to get yourself straightened out before you get involved with any girl. If you don’t, you’ll wind up taking her down with you. Do you want to do that to Lucy?”
This is usually where I walk away, but I’m tired. I’m just so fucking tired. “This is it,” I say firmly. I jab the table with my index finger. “I’ve changed. This is who I am now.”
He nods, taking another drink. “You’ve changed, but this isn’t who you are.”
Lucy stops hesitantly next to me and places my Coke down. She puts her hand on my shoulder and squeezes. I flinch at the intimate way she touches me. Like she sees I’m pissed off and wants to calm me down. It’s fucked up that it works. “Do you need me to come back?”
“I think I’m going to take off,” Guy says, his eyes on me. He throws a five on the table and stands. “Lu, take care of my boy.”
She looks at him and nods. “I’m trying,” she says softly.
I flinch again.
Guy leaves and Lulu takes his seat. She reaches for my hand and I draw it back. “Are you all right?” she asks.
I stare at her, trying to understand what her motive is. Why does she continue to be nice to me? “I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I snap.
“I don’t know,” she says quietly. “You look upset.”
Upset. Not pissed off. She wasn’t calming me, she was offering me support. I sit back because I can’t decide if I want to yell at her to go away or pull her into my lap. “Why do you care?”
Now she flinches. “I thought we were friends.” She searches my face for something. “It’s like we take a step forward and then you shove me five steps back. Why do you do that? Why do you push me away?”
“I don’t know,” I say truthfully. Maybe because I want you close and it fucks with my head.
Her lips part and her gaze flicks over me again. “Well stop it.” She stands and picks up Guy’s abandoned glass. “I’m stubborn as hell, Park. You might as well make it easy on yourself and just give in to me.”
11
Lucy
Every time Park steps outside to smoke a cigarette, I think he’s going to leave and not come back. I have to keep answering questions from my co-workers about his newly constant presence. Who is he? Does he have a girlfriend? Am I his girlfriend?
Kimmie slides up next to me as I’m pretending to wipe down the counter. Really I’m watching Park watch the stars while he smokes.
“Whatchya doing?” she asks with a huge grin. She knows exactly what I’m doing.
“Math,” I deadpan.
She bobs her red ponytail. “Adding up all the things you’d like to do to him?”
I huff a breathy laugh. “More like subtracting clothing.”
“Oh, I hear ya. He’s going on my list.” She wiggles her eyebrows and smiles wickedly.
I turn my whole body toward her, gripping the counter behind me. “You’re list?”
She nods, picking up the washcloth so she can actually wipe the counters down. “Greg and I have a list of people that we can sleep with and it’s not cheating.”
I press my lips together to keep from laughing because knowing Kimmie, she’s dead serious. “I thought those lists were supposed to be famous people?”
“Yeah, but I don’t know any famous people.”
“I think that’s the point. Isn’t it cheating if you have sex with somebody that isn’t your boyfriend?”
“No.” She shakes her head. “Not if they’re on the list.”
“But couldn’t you just sleep with someone and then add them to the list?”
She cocks her head to the side. “I hadn’t thought of that. I’ll have to keep that in mind.” She winks and saunters over to one of her tables.
Three guys come staggering in and I seat them in Kimmie’s section. Mine is pretty full and I know she needs the money. She gives me a grateful smile as I walk back to my station.
Park plops down in his seat and I bring him another Coke. He grins at me. “Thanks.”
“We don’t want a ginger,” one of the drunks bark. “Where’s that other waitress?” I look over my shoulder at the guys I just sat. The one with the goatee waves his hand at me. “There she is. Come here.”
I start over and Park grabs my arm. I look down at his hand wrapped around my wrist and then at his face. He’s staring at the guys. “If you need me, I’m right here.”
I feel my eyes widen. Park can make out with a girl he just met in a bar full of people, groping her for all to see. He can drink his weight in liquor and pass out in front of my door. He can leer at me and make his sexual innuendoes. None of it fazes me. But this—Park offering to have my back…this shocks me.
“Thanks,” I say quietly. He drops his hand and I go on over to their table. “Hey guys. Is there a problem?”
“Not now.” They break out in laughter.
“You can have them,” Kimmie tells me. “They’re drunk as hell.” She pats my shoulder and leaves me to deal with these idiots by myself.
I pull out my pad and pen and cock my hip against the table. “All right, boys. Listen up. I know you’ve been having some fun tonight—”
“Hell yeah,” goatee slurs. His eyes are red and glossy as he looks me up and down.
“And you can keep having fun as long as you’re respectful. If you’re nice to me, I’ll be nice to you.”