The more I thought about that, the more I thought about my relationship with Noah. I’d wanted a relationship like my parents’, but now that relationship was dead and not what I thought – and it made me question everything. I loved Noah and she loved me, I knew that, but now that the worry and doubt had crept into my mind, I wondered if my relationship was really as perfect as I thought it was.
It was all fucking with my head.
“I don’t blame you for being angry,” AJ said as he handed me the can of cider he’d grabbed from my fridge. “Have you talked to your parents about it since they told you?”
“No,” I grunted as I cracked open the can. “Bailey was so acceptin’ of it. She was completely understandin’. I just stared at them both until dinner ended, then I came home to Noah. I’ve been avoidin’ both of their calls because I know they’ll just want to talk about it. I’ve only seen them a couple of times over the last few weeks, and that’s only because Noah insisted we drop by for a cuppa. Neither of them would risk upsettin’ her so I’ve yet to hear what they have to say about me silence on the matter.”
AJ snorted. “Everyone loves Noah.”
“Tell me about it.” I took a swig of my drink. “She’s easy to love, but fuckin’ hell, AJ, she just keeps talkin’ about weddings.”
“In what way?” he asked with an eyebrow raised. “Other people’s weddings?”
“Everyone’s fuckin’ weddin’,” I grumbled as I shook my head. “She’s bought every bridal magazine ever published, and leaves them in places I’ll have to move them. She left one on the toilet seat the other day, mate.”
AJ snickered. “She was never good at being subtle, not even when she fancied you but pretended she didn’t.”
I rubbed my face with my free hand. “AJ, I don’t want to get married. She does.”
There was a period of prolonged silence as we drank our drinks and concentrated on the half-time analysis of the Man City versus Man United derby.
“Tell her,” AJ said during the next advert. “You have to.”
“I know.” I leaned my head back against the settee. “I’m gonna break her heart.”
“Maybe you won’t. Maybe she’ll understand.”
I shook my head. I knew in my heart that I was going to hurt Noah when I told her of my decision, and hurting her was going to hurt me. She wanted to get married – she’d always said so, but for the past year she’d been more vocal about it.
“I could just do it, y’know?” I thought out loud. “I could just ask her to marry me and get it over with.”
“You could.” AJ nodded. “You could do all of that, but I don’t think it’s going to make your worry go away.”
“Fuckin’ hell,” I groaned. “Maybe I’m just thinkin’ crazy because of me parents?”
“We’ve never talked about either of us getting married, but were you open to it before?”
“Well, yeah. I figured that at some point I’d get married, I just never put a massive amount of thought into it like I am right now. Noah’s pressure on me over the last few months about marriage has been a bit of a strain, and now with me parents’ divorce . . . it just feels like something I don’t want to do right now.”
“Right now,” AJ said. “Meaning it might be something you want in the future?”
“I don’t know, man. Maybe.”
“You’re twenty-five – you don’t have to get married right this second. Taking a step back to figure your head out is perfectly okay. Being married doesn’t change how much you love Noah, man.”
I felt my entire body deflate with his words.
“Right.” I bobbed my head in agreement. “I love Noah to pieces, she’s the only one I want . . . but I want things to be like they are now. We don’t need to get married.”
“You should talk to her about it. Don’t shut the idea of marriage down completely because, like you said, you don’t know if it’s something you might want in the future. Explain it’s something you don’t want right now, tell her what’s going on inside your head.”
I exhaled.
“The thought of it is just too much right now. Whenever I think of it, I feel like me head is being held underwater. It makes me feel sick.”
I’d wanted a love like my parents had, and I’d thought I had that with Noah, but their love was over and so was their marriage. It probably sounded stupid, but I believed that if I married Noah, it’d jinx what we had together. I was terrified that I’d grow to resent her or she would realise I wasn’t husband material, and everything would just fall apart around me. Just like it had for my parents. I couldn’t risk it . . . I just couldn’t.