It was an odd sequence of events. One moment I was so captivated by my newborn son, that I forgot about everything, and the next the mist of joy that clouded my mind lifted and confusion set in.
I looked at Kane and frowned.
I didn’t think much of it earlier because I was in labour, and afterwards it never occurred to me because I was so wrapped up in the baby and everyone else... but now that I had a minute to think, I was curious to know where Kane had been all day.
I was curious to know why he almost missed our son’s birth.
“Kane?”
He was folding up the birthing pool.
“Hmmm?”
I tiredly blinked. “Where were you all day today?”
He froze.
His hesitation in answering caused my stomach to churn.
“Kane?” I whispered.
The muscles on his back contracted.
“What?” he asked after a moment of silence.
He knew what I asked, but he was stalling.
“Alec was callin’ you for ages, Ryder too, but neither of you answered. Where were you?”
“I was in the gym for about two hours,” he replied.
I swallowed. “And for the other hours?”
He placed the birthing pool back into its container then turned to face me.
“Helping Ryder move... some stuff.”
Tears welled in my eyes.
“Kane.”
He took a step forward. “I swear if I knew you would be having the baby today I wouldn’t have left your side.”
I held my hand up in the air. “Stay where you are.”
Kane tensed, but nodded.
I lowered my hand to my stomach and exhaled. “You were movin’ drugs or weapons... weren’t you?”
Kane opened his mouth, but closed it when no words came out. I watched his hands ball into fists just as I felt the tears that welled up in my eyes spill onto my cheeks.
“Please let me come to you.”
I shook my head. “I was in labour all day... and you were out helpin’ Ryder with that horrible stuff.”
Kane swallowed. “I’m—”
“Your brothers held my hands, listened to me scream and curse at them, and did everythin’ in their power to help me. They never left me side the entire time. They were scared shitless, but they were there for me.”
“Aideen,” Kane whispered, his own eyes glazing with unshed tears.
“You almost missed him comin’ into this world.”
Kane couldn’t hold my gaze anymore. He dropped his head and sagged his shoulders in shame.
“I’m disgusted with myself for not being here for it all.”
I was disgusted with him too.
“What did I tell you?” I asked him.
He looked up at me and shrugged.
“I told you I wouldn’t be with you when you’re attached to that life.”
Pure panic marred Kane’s features.
“Please,” he begged in a low voice. “Please forgive me. I won’t do it again. I won’t help Ryder ever again. I swear on my life.”
It hurt me seeing him so desperate, but I decided I had to be cruel to be kind. I loved him, and I was not letting our relationship fail because of his stupid mistakes. He was my forever, and I was going to make him realise the baby and myself were his.
I kept my expression as blank as I possibly could; I tried my hardest to be heartless.
I was about to scare him straight.
“I think you should leave,” I said, locking my gaze with his.
“Aideen,” he choked and stumbled forward until his knees knocked into our bed. “Please, I’m begging you, don’t do this.”
Don’t break until he does.
“I didn’t do anythin’, you did,” I replied leisurely. “I’ve asked you, no I’ve begged you, repeatedly, to tell me what you and Ryder were up to, and I’ve pleaded with you not to be involved with it... but you completely ignored me. You said it wouldn’t take you from me, but it has. You almost missed the birth of your son for it… was it worth it?”
“I’m so sorry,” he croaked, as tears fell from his eyes and dropped onto his cheeks.
Put the fear of God into him.
“No, I’m sorry, Kane,” I said with a shake of my head. “I’m sorry I let this go so far. I truly thought your love and respect for me would be enough for you to do the right thing, but I’m obviously not worth it. You chose somethin’ dangerous, illegal and plain disgustin’ over me.”
I looked down to my left hand, wiggled the engagement ring off my finger and threw it to the end of the bed where it landed before him. He looked at me with widened eyes and the look of utter heartbreak that encased him was almost too much for me to bear. But I needed him to realise that he could lose me over something he thought wasn’t much of a problem.
I wanted him scared shitless.
“Please don’t leave me,” he cried. “I’d die without you.”
I looked to our son so he wouldn’t see my act was falling apart.
“If you don’t put me first, what’s to say you won’t put him first?”
I looked back to Kane as he grabbed my engagement ring and crawled up the bed until he was face to face with me.
“I’m begging you not to do this. You and that precious boy are my everything, I swear to you.”
I frowned. “I don’t know if that’s enough for us to work.”
“Babydoll,” he breathed and placed his hands on my cheeks. “I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. I don’t want to lose what I live for. You and our son. I never thought it was possible to love two people as much as I do you two. I love you both so much it hurts. Please, don’t take away my reason for living.”
Damn him!
I leaned into him. “You swear on his life that you’re done with anything related to your old life?”
“I swear.” He frantically nodded. “I swear to God.”
I regarded him for a long moment before I nodded and said, “Okay.”
Kane crumbled before me, and pressed his forehead against mine. I forced myself not to fall apart, but my God it was hard. I had never seen him so broken, and it gutted me that I caused it, but I had to.