While I felt anger, I didn’t know if it was directed solely at Ryder himself, or how he made me feel when he pushed me away. It was an on-going mental battle for me because I couldn’t make my mind up. It didn’t help that I missed him terribly either. Being so unsure about how I truly felt after everything I learned was hard when all I wanted was to be with him so we could deal with this together.
On one hand, I wanted to go to him and make a go of things because even if we had a bad rough patch, it was five years of my life with someone who I truly loved, and I wasn’t ready to just give up on that… but on the other hand, I was so emotionally destroyed that I wasn’t sure if I could ever get back to a place where I fully trusted Ryder, and if there was no trust, there was no relationship.
I turned my head and looked over at my door when a soft knock sounded.
“Come in,” I called.
The door creaked open, but instead of my sister checking up on me, it was Alec.
“Hey,” I said and sat upright. “Is everythin’ okay?”
He nodded and closed my door behind him. “Everything’s fine… Bronagh’s just worried about you. I told her I’d come and talk to you and pull a smile or something from you.”
“I just have to look at your ugly face and I smile.”
“Fuck you, too.”
I laughed, and it made Alec’s lips twitch as he crossed the room. I moved over so he could sit on the bed with me, and I smiled wide when he kicked his shoes off before he climbed onto it and relaxed back against a few of my pillows. I leaned back too, and together, we both stared at the ceiling.
“If you stay in this room any longer,” he began, “I’m afraid you’re going to turn into a piece of furniture. Beauty and the Beast style minus the singing because you can’t sing. At all.”
Again, I laughed.
“I’ll keep that in mind, Beast.”
Alec snorted then after a period of silence between us he asked, “How are you? And don’t say fine just to appease me. How are you… really?”
That question was constant, since the attack, and I still didn’t have a solid answer for it when I was asked.
I swallowed. “One minute I’m okay, then the next I’m in pieces. I’m really confused about Ryder, I just don’t know what to do and it’s driving me insane.”
“You know keeping things bottled up isn’t good for you, look how sad you became because you kept your issues with Ryder to yourself.”
He was right, but that didn’t mean I could break character so easily.
“Old habits die hard, I guess.”
“I can’t imagine how hard it is to let someone be your shoulder to lie on, when all you’ve known is being the strong one.” Alec reached over and took my hand in his. “You’ve always been strong for Bee, then for each of us when our individual bullshit came back to bite us in the ass. You’re incredible, Bran, and we don’t mean to pester you, we just want to show you that we’re here for you like you’re always there for us.”
Tears pooled in my eyes.
“I have a thing about not cryin’, but you’re makin’ not bawling me eyes out very hard.”
“Listen to me,” Alec then said as he stood up from the bed, pulling me along with him until we were standing facing one another. “You can cry for days if you want to, and that’s okay. Before your night of evil, you suffered a year and a half of hell. If crying will help, then fucking cry.”
I shook my head and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.
“I’m sick of cryin’, it changes nothin’.”
“Then smile instead, it takes more effort to frown than it does to smile anyway.”
My shoulders slumped. “I’ve nothin’ to smile about.”
“Sure you do,” Alec quickly stated. “You survived a night of terror, you found out Ryder wasn’t cheating on you, and that he wasn’t pulling away from you because he doesn’t love you anymore. You have a lot to smile for.”
When he put it like that, I wanted to kick my own arse for feeling so miserable.
“It’s hard,” I admitted.
“Believe in yourself,” Alec said. “In Ryder.”
I sighed. “That’s easier said than done.”
He kept his eyes locked on mine as he said, “You believed in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy for years growing up. You can believe in yourself, your man, and what you both have, for five minutes, okay?”
I blinked, dumbly.
“What?” Alec questioned, shifting from foot to foot.
I cleared my throat. “I just forget that you’re a very wise person. You joke around all the time and make everyone laugh and smile, but you’re so real when it comes down to it. You give good advice.”
A beautiful smile overtook Alec’s face.
“I love you, Bran, I will do and say anything to help you and Ryder get through this.” He reached out and tugged on my hair like I was a little girl. “You’re both the reason I decided that someday I’d settle down, did you know that? Before I met Keela, I used to watch you both and I liked that Ryder could be happy and complete by just seeing you. At first I thought he was pathetic and pussy whipped, but the more I was around you both, the more I realised it was something real. I wanted it, and now I have it. It’s hard work, but you and Ry have got this. Don’t give up, okay?”
He laughed when I jumped forward, and wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my face against his chest. He put his arms around me and squeezed me tightly. Tears flowed then, but for once they weren’t sad tears, they were hopeful tears. That was what Alec just gave me.
Hope.
I hadn’t experienced the feeling in a long time, but I couldn’t deny that it felt incredible.