"Do you have an appointment?" Sir asked. "No," Violet said, "but it's very important that I talk to you."
"I'll decide what's very important!" Sir barked. "You see this nameplate? It says 'The Boss,' and that's who I am! It's very important when I say it's very important, understand?"
"Yes, Sir," Violet said, "but I think you'll agree with me when I explain what's been going on."
"I know what's been going on," Sir said. "I'm the boss! Of course I know! Didn't you get my memo about the accident?"
Violet took a deep breath and looked Sir in the eye, or at least the part of the cloud of smoke where she thought his eye probably was. "The accident," she said finally, "happened because Klaus was hypnotized."
"What your brother does for a hobby is none of my concern," Sir said, "and it doesn't excuse accidents."
"You don't understand, Sir," Violet said. "Klaus was hypnotized by Dr. Orwell, who is in cahoots with Count Olaf."
"Oh no!" Charles said. "You poor children! Sir, we have to put a stop to this!"
"We are putting a stop to this!" Sir said. "You children will cause no more accidents, and you'll be safely employed by this lumbermill. Otherwise, out you go!"
"Sir!" Charles cried. "You wouldn't throw the children out into the street!"
"Of course not," Sir said. "As I explained in my memo, I met a very nice young lady who works as a receptionist. When I mentioned there were three children in my care, she said that if you were ever any trouble, she'd take you, because she'd always wanted children of her own."
"Palsh!" Sunny cried.
"That's Count Olaf!" Violet cried.
"Do I look like an idiot to you?" Sir asked, pointing to his cloud. "I have a complete description of Count Olaf from Mr. Poe, and this receptionist looked nothing like him. She was a very nice lady."
"Did you look for the tattoo?" Charles asked. "Count Olaf has a tattoo on his ankle, remember?"
"Of course I didn't look for the tattoo," Sir said impatiently. "It's not polite to look at a woman's legs."
"But she's not a woman!" Violet burst out. "I mean, he's not a woman! He's Count Olaf!"
"I saw her nameplate," Sir said. "It didn't say 'Count Olaf.' It said 'Shirley.'"
"Fiti!" Sunny shrieked, which you already know meant "That nameplate doesn't prove anything, of course!" But Violet did not have time to translate, because Sir was pounding his hands on the desk.
"Hypnosis! Count Olaf! Fiti! I've had enough of your excuses!" he yelled. "Your job is to work hard at the lumbermill, not cause accidents! I am busy enough without having to deal with clumsy children!"
Quickly, Violet thought of something else. "Well, can we call Mr. Poe?" she asked. "He knows all about Count Olaf, so perhaps he can be helpful." Violet did not add that Mr. Poe was not usually a very helpful person.
"You want to add the cost of a long-distance phone call to the burden of caring for you?" Sir asked. "I think not. Let me put it to you in the simplest way I can: If you screw up again, I will give you away to Shirley."
"Now, Sir," Charles said. "These are children. You shouldn't talk to them this way. As you remember, I never thought it was a good idea for the Baudelaires to work in the mill. They should be treated like members of the family."
"They are being treated like members of the family," Sir said. "Many of my cousins live there in the dormitory. I refuse to argue with you, Charles! You're my partner! Your job is to iron my shirts and cook my omelettes, not boss me around!"
"You're right, of course," Charles said softly. "I'm sorry."
"Now get out of here, all of you!" Sir barked. "I have lots of work to do!"
Sunny opened her mouth to say something, but she knew it would be useless. Violet thought of something else she could point out, but she knew it would be worthless. And Charles started to raise his hand to make a point, but he knew it would be bootless, a word which here means "useless and worthless." So Charles and the two Baudelaires left the dark office without another word, and stood for a moment together in the hallway.
"Don't worry," Charles whispered. "I'll help you."
"How?" Violet whispered back. "Will you call Mr. Poe and tell him Count Olaf is here?"
"Ulo?" Sunny asked, which meant "Will you have Dr. Orwell arrested?"
"Will you hide us from Shirley?" Violet asked.
"Henipul?" Sunny asked, which meant "Will you undo Klaus's hypnotism?"
"No," Charles admitted. "I can't do any of those things. Sir would get mad at me, and we can't have that. But tomorrow, I will try and sneak you some raisins at lunchtime. O.K.?"
It was not O.K., of course, not at all. Raisins are healthy, and they are inexpensive, and some people may even find them delicious. But they are rarely considered helpful. In fact, raisins were one of the least helpful things Charles could offer, if he really wanted to help. But Violet didn't answer him. She was looking down the hallway and thinking. Sunny didn't answer him either, because she was already crawling toward the door to the library. The Baudelaire sisters had no time to talk with Charles. They had to figure out a plan, and they had to figure it out quickly. The Baudelaire orphans were in a very difficult situation, and they needed every available moment to come up with something much, much more helpful than raisins.
CHAPTER Eleven
As we have discussed previously, a book's first sentence can often tell you what sort of story the book contains. This book, you will remember, began with the sentence "The Baudelaire orphans looked out the grimy window of the train and gazed at the gloomy blackness of the Finite Forest, wondering if their lives would ever get any better," and the story has certainly been as wretched and hopeless as the first sentence promised it would be. I only bring this up now so you can understand the feeling of dread that Violet and Sunny Baudelaire experienced as they opened a book in the library of the Lucky Smells Lumbermill. The two Baudelaire sisters already had a feeling of dread, of course. Part of the dread came from how cruelly unfairly Sir had behaved. Another part of the dread came from how Charles, kind as he was, seemed unable to help them. Yet another part of the dread came from the fact that Klaus had been hypnotized once more. And of course, the lion's share of the dread-the phrase "lion's share" here means "the biggest part" and has nothing to do with lions or sharing-came from the fact that Count Olaf-or, as he insisted on calling himself, Shirley-was back in the Baudelaires' lives and causing so much misery.
But there was an extra helping of dread that Violet and Sunny felt when they began Advanced Ocular Science, by Dr. Georgina Orwell. The first sentence was "This tome will endeavor to scrutinize, in quasi-inclusive breadth, the epistemology of ophthalmologically contrived appraisals of ocular systems and the subsequent and requisite exertions imperative for expugna-tion of injurious states," and as Violet read it out loud to her sister, both children felt the dread that comes when you begin a very boring and difficult book.
"Oh dear," Violet said, wondering what in the world "tome" meant. "This is a very difficult book."
"Garj!" Sunny said, wondering what in the world "endeavor" meant.
"If only we had a dictionary," Violet said glumly. "Then we might be able to figure out what this sentence means."
"Yash!" Sunny pointed out, which meant something like "And if only Klaus weren't hypnotized, then he could tell us what this sentence means."
Violet and Sunny sighed, and thought of their poor hypnotized brother. Klaus seemed so different from the brother they knew that it was almost as if Count Olaf had already succeeded with his dastardly scheme, and destroyed one of the Baudelaire orphans. Klaus usually looked interested in the world around him, and now he had a blank expression on his face. His eyes were usually all squinty from reading, and now they were wide as if he had been watching TV instead. He was usually alert, and full of interesting things to say, and now he was forgetful, and almost completely silent.