"But I think I can tell you," I blurt. And as soon as the words are out, I realize I want to. I don't know why--honestly, I barely know this man, but I've seen enough to know that he's broken. So why the hell am I adding to the drama of my own life by inviting him in?
I don't have an answer. Not a sound, logical one, anyway. All I know is that I like him and I trust him.
Most of all, I feel alive around in him a way I haven't felt since I lost my mom and Andy.
And, really, why should I care if it's fast, so long as it's right?
I draw a deep breath, then start talking. "The day of the accident, we were supposed to go to Disneyland. Did I tell you that before?"
He shakes his head.
"We hadn't been in forever, and I haven't been back since. It was supposed to be a treat. The last day of my first semester. And then this cop comes to my door, and a day that was supposed to be special was ripped completely apart."
He says nothing, and I'm grateful for the silence.
"Something about that irony made it worse for me. The idea of the accident--that fucking drunk driver--destroying a moment along with three lives. I don't know. It ate at me, I guess. Then I met a guy at Blacklist who said I'd been in his English Lit class. I didn't remember him at all, but he asked me to go out dancing. I said yes."
I'm clinging to Lyle's hand so tightly that my fingers are numb, but I don't let go, and he doesn't flinch.
"Anyway, we got drunk, and I was a virgin, and I slept with him." I say it all matter-of-factly, even though it doesn't feel matter-of-fact at all. "And then I hated myself, because I had always wanted that first time to be--"
"Special," he says as he cups my cheek with his free hand. "Of course, you did."
"I was so angry with myself that I made a promise. And I haven't slept with anyone since. I've done everything but," I add with a wicked grin, "but I haven't gone all the way. And I won't until I know it'll be special."
The moment the word's out of my mouth, I wince.
"Oh, hell. Don't take that the wrong way," I say. "I'm sure being with you would be mind-blowingly special. I just mean that I want it to be real. I want there to be at least the possibility of a future. Maybe not an engagement ring, but I want it to be with someone I'm in a relationship with.
"And like I said," I continue, stumbling over my words, "I really like you. But being your fake girlfriend isn't what I had in mind."
I bite my lip as I glance up at him. "I didn't mean to lead you on tonight, truly. And I have no philosophical problems with, um, doing pretty much everything else. But I guess I want to pretend like I didn't make a huge mistake giving my virginity to some random guy."
I lean back and shrug. "So that's it. Like I said, I'm sorry."
"You don't have anything to be sorry about." He slides closer, then pulls me gently against him, letting me rest my head on his chest.
"Thanks," I whisper as he strokes my hair.
"I was right about the poem," he says. "You do have an unconquerable soul."
I close my eyes, nodding as a single tear spills out.
He holds me like that for a few minutes longer, then gently releases me as he moves toward the edge of the bed. "I should go."
I reach for him, my fingers twining with his. "You don't have to go," I say. "It's late, I mean."
He stays still for a moment, then he lifts the sheet and slides under, holding out an arm for me to join him. "Just sleep," he says, as he pulls me close. "I'll be right here."
14
The morning sun filtered in through the gaps in her curtains as Lyle stood by the bed watching Sugar sleep, and in that moment, he wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed with her and stay locked in this bungalow for the rest of the day.
Not happening.
He should never have stayed the night. That was why he had his routine, after all. That was why he'd set up his life the way he had, with Marjorie on speed dial. So that he never ran the risk of getting too close.
And yet as he watched her clutch the pillow, her breathing so soft and steady, he knew that if she opened her eyes and asked him to, he'd pull her back into his arms and stay.