He lifted a shoulder, needing to get past this part of the story, because it hurt too damn much to think about it. "So I married Darla. I did the right thing." The word sounded like a curse.
"And that's the moment that my life went off the rails. That's the moment when I destroyed everything."
9
Noah felt his body stiffen as the memory flooded back, heavy and gray and so full of guilt. The look in Kiki's eyes as he'd stumbled to get the words out. The raw, ripped feeling inside him because the last thing he'd wanted was to hurt her, and yet he couldn't stay. He couldn't walk away from Darla, from his child, and it was so damned unfair that she had to pay the price, too.
"I broke her heart--hell, I broke her spirit. She didn't even yell or cry. She just looked . . . I don't know. Dead inside. Later, I saw an article that said she'd dropped out of the band after the first stop on their tour, and the words sliced right through me. I blamed myself, but I also knew I couldn't do anything--I couldn't even call her, because I was the last person she'd want to hear from."
He started to pace the room, needing to move, as if that way he could stay ahead of the memories. "After that, I couldn't bear to know what was happening in her life. I put up a wall. I shut out that part of my life. Because I knew I was doing the right thing."
"Your baby needed a father," Wyatt supplied.
"But it was more than that. I couldn't be what my dad had been. I thought about being a weekend dad. Paying expenses. Bringing the child to my home with Kiki for weekends and holidays. But that wasn't fair to either the baby or Kiki."
"And you didn't think it would be enough, anyway," Wyatt said, with a perceptiveness that Noah appreciated. Guilt still clung to him, of course it did, but it was some small comfort to know that someone at least understood.
"It wouldn't have been. Not for me. I grew up hating my dad for walking away."
He forced himself to stop pacing and to meet Wyatt's eyes. To see the sympathy and the regret. "I just kept telling myself that I had to. That I couldn't be my father. That I had to take responsibility for the woman I'd gotten pregnant and the child I'd brought into this world. I hated myself for what I'd done. For what I was doing to Kiki. And all I had to hold onto was the belief that I was doing the right thing."
"Noah . . ." Wyatt's voice trailed off, as if he just couldn't find the words.
Noa
h stopped at the window, then looked out into the night. He'd destroyed so many lives by doing what he'd believed was the right thing. If he'd just stayed with the woman he wanted, Darla would be alive. Diana would be in school, growing up and breaking hearts. And Kiki would be his.
Stop it! The order was stern, and he pressed his forehead to the glass, willing himself to push down the guilt. But how could he, knowing what he'd destroyed?
He exhaled, his breath condensing on the glass. He watched it, focusing on the uneven edges as the condensate started to fade. "You would have thought the marriage would be awful, considering the circumstances. But it wasn't. I have to give Darla credit. And me, too. We worked hard. We really did. I didn't want to wear the ring only for show."
He moved away from the window and leaned against his desk, wanting the support that his work gave him. A tie to keep him from plummeting too far down into the past.
"And Diana," he continued, then fell silent as he gathered his words. Even now, his heart swelled when he thought of her. "She was the most beautiful baby in the world. I loved that kid like I never thought I could love anything or anyone. And smart. You could see it in her eyes. She saw everything, and I swear she understood most of it."
He closed his eyes, fighting back the swell of tears building in his chest, threatening to break out past the emotional dam he'd built so long ago. "She was almost one when the three of us went to Mexico City. I had a conference, and after that we were going to a beach resort."
"They were kidnapped," Wyatt said, and Noah nodded. Wyatt already knew that part of the story. He'd been there for Noah when, after seven long years, Darla had finally been pronounced dead.
"And now Kiki's back."
Noah dragged his fingers through his hair. "I'm that transparent?"
"I figured it was a good guess."
"I wasn't expecting to ever see her again," Noah admitted, "and then she's here."
"And there's still a connection?"
Without thinking, Noah's gaze shifted to the half-wall that separated the bedroom area of the studio from the rest of the space.
"I see."
"Then you have better vision than I do, because I've lost all perspective."
"What do you want?"
He lifted his hands and let them fall again, his whole body telegraphing frustration. "You and Kelsey--you were separated for about ten years, too, right?"