"You're pushing fifty from the back end, Mom, and being alone is, again, your choice. "
Temper turned Carla's eyes dark and sharp. "I don't appreciate that tone, Stella. I don't have to put up with it. "
"No, you don't. You certainly don't. In fact, it would probably be best for bo
th of us if you left. Right now. This was a bad idea. I don't know what I was thinking. "
"You want me gone, fine. " Carla shoved up from the table. "I'd just as soon get back to my own life. You never had any gratitude in you, and if you couldn't be on my back about something you weren't happy. Next time you want to cry on somebody's shoulder, call your country bumpkin stepmother. "
"Oh, I will," Stella murmured as Carla sailed out of the room. "Believe me. "
She rose to carry her cup to the sink, then gave in to the petty urge and smashed it. She wanted to break everything as she'd been broken. She wanted to wreak havoc on the world as it had been on her.
Instead she stood gripping the edge of the sink and praying that her mother would pack and leave quickly. She wanted her out. Why had she ever thought she wanted her to stay? It was always the same between them. Abrasive, combative. No connection, no common ground.
But God, she'd wanted that shoulder. Needed it so much, just for one night. Tomorrow she would do whatever came next. But she'd wanted to be held and stroked and comforted tonight.
With trembling fingers she cleaned the broken shards out of the sink, wept over them a little as she poured them into the trash. Then she walked to the phone and called a cab for her mother.
They didn't speak again, and Stella decided that was for the best. She closed the door, listened to the cab drive away.
Alone now, she checked on her sons, tucked blankets over them, laid her lips gently on their heads.
They were all she had now. And she was all they had.
She would be a better mother. She swore it. More patient. She would never, never let them down. She would never walk away when they needed her.
And when they needed her shoulder, by God, she would give it. No matter what. No matter when.
"You're first for me," she whispered. "You'll always be first for me. "
In her own room, she undressed again, then took Kevin's old flannel robe out of the closet. She wrapped herself in it, in the familiar, heartbreaking smell of him.
Curling up on the bed, she hugged the robe close, shut her eyes, and prayed for morning. For what happened next.
Chapter Two
Harper House
January 2004
She couldn't afford to be intimidated by the house, or by its mistress. They both had reputations.
The house was said to be elegant and old,with gardens that rivaled Eden. She'd just confirmed that for herself.
The woman was said to be interesting, somewhat solitary, and perhaps a bit "difficult. " A word, Stella knew, that could mean anything from strong-willed to stone bitch.
Either way, she could handle it, she reminded herself as she fought the need to get up and pace. She'd handled worse.
She needed this job. Not just for the salary - and it was generous - but for the structure, for the challenge, for the doing. Doing more, she knew, than circling the wheel she'd fallen into back home.
She needed a life, something more than clocking time, drawing a paycheck that would be soaked up by bills. She needed, however self-help-book it sounded, something that fulfilled and challenged her.
Rosalind Harper was fulfilled, Stella was sure. A beautiful ancestral home, a thriving business. What was it like, she wondered, to wake up every morning knowing exactly where you belonged and where you were going?
If she could earn one thing for herself, and give that gift to her children, it would be the sense of knowing. She was afraid she'd lost any clear sight of that with Kevin's death. The sense of doing, no problem. Give her a task or a challenge and the room to accomplish or solve it, she was your girl.
But the sense of knowing who she was, in the heart of herself, had been mangled that day in September of 2001 and had never fully healed.