Private (Private 1)

window pane. Another peal of laughter rang somewhere out i

n the

“Something like that,” I said.

darkness and my heart ached. What the hell was I doing here? How

“Okay,” she said with a shrug. “But don’t blame me if all the

could I possibly have thought this would be a good idea?

good pizza’s gone!”

Leaning my temple against the glass, I willed myself not to cry.

I’ll live.

This was unbelievable. Was I really homesick? For what? For my

“Don’t worry about it,” I said.

pins-and-needles home life? For the cinderblock halls of my old As soon as the door was closed I felt really bad for bailing. What high school? For the strip malls? My mind flashed on my father was wrong with me? There was no way I was ever going to make

and on Adam, who had never been anything but sweet to me. I saw friends if I sat alone in my room. I knew this. But still, somehow, I my dog, Hershey, wagging his tail when my dad got home, expect-couldn’t make myself move.

ing to see me as well. I saw the ugly flowered wallpaper my parents I sighed and leaned back against the denim pillow my

had hung in my bedroom before they knew I was a tomboy, wall-

brother had bought me at Target, settling into my self-imposed

paper I had always hated but which now felt like the perfect

exile. So this was my new home. This square, cream-colored box

emblem of home. I thought of the lacrosse team and our vow to

with its creaky wooden floor, standard issue twin beds, matching actually get to the state championships this year. Why did all of desks, and five-drawer dressers, one of which I couldn’t even fill.

this suddenly seem so huge? The day before I couldn’t wait to get Within five seconds of seeing my half-empty side of the huge

out of there.

closet, Constance had asked, “Do you mind?” and then promptly

A tear squeezed out and it was like a wake-up call. No. This was jammed up the empty space with three extra wool coats and a puffy not acceptable. I was not a weakling. I had made my choice. I was black parka. It all contributed to my feeling that I didn’t fit or, more not going to call my father and beg him to come back for me. There accurately, that there wasn’t enough of me to fill a place like this.

was nothing in Croton for me. Nothing worth sticking around for, I heard laughter outside the window and stood up. The large bay anyway. I knew this. I just had to focus on it. I stared into the dark-window with a sill big enough to sit on was, hands down, the best ness, at the lights in the windows of the other dorms, and told feature of our room. Earlier, Constance had gone out to meet some myself that I belonged here. I forced myself to try to believe it.

26

K A T E B R I A N

P R I V A T E

27

I will be happy here. I will make friends. This is the beginning Wine. They were drinking wine right there in their dorm.