"No! Not jealous," I said, sitting forward. "I swear it's not that. I'm just ... curious. About what you've done. And maybe a little worried. I mean, you have a lot of experience and I have no idea what I'm doing."
Upton let out a short laugh. A knowing laugh. "We've all been there."
Not exactly the response I was expecting. Or hoping for. I wanted him to say that it didn't matter. That he knew it would be great with me. That every other girl he'd ever been with actually sucked at it, and he was sure I would be amazing. Is it wrong for a girl to want to hear a little white lie at a moment like this?
"What do you mean?" I asked.
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"Let me tell you a little story," Upton said, turning sideways on the bench to better face me. Intrigued, I curled my legs up story style. "About my first time."
Interesting. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear this. But then, he had offered so little detail of his romantic past, and all I'd done was imply that I wanted to know. If I stopped him, I'd look even more immature and squeamish than I already did. So I bit my tongue and said nothing. Bring on the awkwardness!
"It was with an older woman," he said, an amused smile playing on his lips.
"Older like older?" I asked. Already I didn't like this.
"Yeah. As in I was a teenager and she was an adult."
Ew. "Okay."
"Talk about being worried about being good," Upton said, shaking his head. "I was terrified. It took me ages
just to get up the guts to come out of the bathroom."
I got a mental image of Upton, scrawny and half naked, cowering in a bathroom somewhere while this voluptuous older woman in red lingerie smoked a cigarette in bed, waiting for him. It all seemed so predatory and weird.
"But I finally did and there she was, totally naked, except for this big necklace made out of these sharp, gold leaves, which, for some reason, she neglected to take off," he said with a laugh. "Now I'm both too scared and too polite to say anything, so I just go with it. And the whole time, I'm trying to concentrate and not do anything stupid and make sure I'm respectful, and the whole time, this sod-
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ding heavy necklace keeps whacking me in the face. It was a nightmare."
He was laughing full out now, so I forced myself to smile.
You wanted to know this stuff, Reed. You wanted to know where he s been.
"But of course by the time it was all over I didn't mind it anymore. I thought I was so cool and mature when it was done, you know? I was such a little twit." Upton said, shaking his head. "So I go striding back into the bathroom like I'm some kind of experienced playboy now, and I take one look in the mirror and I have dozens of these tiny little cuts all over my face. I had to tell my parents I was attacked by a cat."
"Did they believe you?" I asked, incredulous.
"Who knows? If they didn't, they never told me." Upton settled back in his seat and rested his arm on the back of the cushions. He tickled my shoulder with his fingertips. "So what about you? "
"Me?" I asked, trying to eradicate all the disturbing visuals from my mind.
"What was your first time like? " he asked.
I thought of Thomas and my heart flipped over and died, just like it did every time I got a vivid picture of his face. Those teasing blue eyes. The tiny scar on his jaw. His private just-for-me smile.
"It was nothing as interesting as the story you just told," I said, looking down at my hands.
"Come on. I told you mine, now you tell me yours," Upton chided.
I took a deep breath. "It was sweet. It was perfect, really." I smiled
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slightly, remembering how cautious Thomas had been with me. How slow and almost reverent. My heart suddenly ached at the thought of him. "It wasn't something I was expecting to do that night, but for once I let go and just did what I wanted to do in the moment. And then a couple weeks later... he died."