He led me to a bed, and I sighed in relief. He could tell I was sick. He was going to let me sleep. He was going to take care of me.
He guided me to the edge of the bed. I sat down, closing my eyes to stop the room spinning, and I felt Uncle John’s hands run over my new striped socks and up my thighs. He lifted my dress, and my eyes rolled open. I jumped, trying to move back as he took hold of the new frilly lace panties Mrs. Jenkins had given me as my present. Uncle John smiled at me, then leaned in and kissed me on my lips as he ran the panties down my legs. When he had taken them off my feet, he pushed them into his pants pocket.
“Lie down, baby girl.” He smoothed his hand over my hair. My heart was beating fast. I shook my head, but he pushed on my shoulder, flattening me to the mattress. He crawled above me, and when I looked down, he was holding something in his hand. I couldn’t tell what, but he was moving it back and forth. His cheeks were red, his breathing had gone funny, like he was out of breath, and he leaned down and kissed me again. “Happy happy birthday, baby girl,” he whispered in my ear, then I felt his hand move. Move to a place I didn’t want him to go.
No! I wanted to shout, but the light above me swayed and I couldn’t move. I blinked and blinked again. Something hurt. It hurt so bad that tears fell from my eyes.
Alice, my doll, wasn’t there. She wasn’t there to protect me like my mummy had told me.
“Heathan,” I tried to whisper, but my mouth didn’t move. “Heathan,” I tried again, but I think it only sounded in my head. “I don’t . . . I don’t like my birthday present, Rabbit . . . it . . . hurts . . . help me . . . take me away, down the rabbit hole, to Wonderland.”
But Heathan never came.
Wonderland never came.
The rabbit hole could not be found.
So I just closed my eyes . . .
I was so cold as I walked behind my uncle, back to the office. Goosebumps raced across my body, and my lips were shaking. They shook so badly I couldn’t stop them.
I was limping. Between my legs hurt so much that tears still fell down my cheeks. But Uncle John ignored my pain, instead patting me on my head and telling me I was a good girl. He told me we were closer now. All of us. That all of my uncles wanted to get just as close as we had . . . because they loved me so much. That it was my birthday present.
I didn’t think I wanted them that close. But I didn’t dare say.
Uncle John pushed through the office door and led me back toward the circle. I saw my Alice doll on my papa’s desk. I wanted to hug her. I wanted her to make me feel better, to protect me. Maybe if she was in my arms the pain between my legs wouldn’t be so bad.
But then I heard a whispered “No . . .” come from the circle. I looked up. My heart fell and a big fat lump filled my throat when I saw Heathan in the middle. Another of my uncles was holding him, about to lead him past me out of the door. I shook my head to see him better. I wiped the tears from my eyes. But when I did, all I felt was sadness. He was getting thin. And his pretty silver-gray eyes looked different. They were red and had big dark circles under them. They no longer shone.
My bottom lip wobbled. I lifted my arms, holding them out, wanting to hug him. Rabbit always kept me safe and warm. And I felt so so cold. He would make me feel warm. And maybe . . . maybe I could make him feel better too.
Maybe we could have another kiss.
“No . . .” he said again, but this time his voice was louder and his mouth grew tight. “Dolly.” He pushed Uncle Samuel’s hand off his shoulder. Uncle Samuel slammed his hand down on Heathan’s arm, but Heathan fought his grip and got away. He ran to me and threw his arms around me. I gripped him as hard as I could.
He was shaking.
His breathing was funny.
I inhaled deeply . . . Heathan. He might look different, but he still smelled like my Heathan.
Dark. The only way I could explain his scent was dark.
He stepped back and looked down. His eyes widened when he looked at my thighs, then his body shook even harder. He was so angry. I leaned against him and looked down at what he’d been looking at. All I could see was red. My socks were crumpled around my ankles, at the top of my new boots, but all my skin was red.