I raked my hand through my hair as reality hit me. “Fuck, that was the whole damn reason I turned all my focus on Kaci, because I couldn’t act on my feelings for Merit.”
This time it was Brock who cleared his throat. “I think you thought with your heart when you decided to be with her. That much was obvious. You were too afraid to admit it then, and you still are.”
I scoffed. “If that’s the case, Brock, why did I call her another woman’s name after making love to her and taking her virginity?”
He was silent for a moment. “Maybe you realized your feelings were something more, something deeper, and subconsciously you knew if you called her Kaci, it would push her away.”
I pulled my brows in tight and shook my head. “Did you really just go all therapy on my ass?”
Brock laughed. “All I’m saying is, from what you described to me it sounds like you got spooked. You said she looked at you and you could see the love on her face, in her eyes. All those years you thought it was Kaci you wanted…maybe it was never Kaci at all.”
“I was ready to walk away from bull riding for Kaci, Brock. I mean, before I got together with Merit. Before y’all got together.”
“Maybe you were, but if it came right down to it, if Kaci had picked you would you have been happy with her? Knowing you had feelings for another woman that you tried to ignore? We’ll never know, Dirk.”
I brought my hand to the back of my neck and rubbed out the tension that had gathered there. “I’m heading back home tomorrow.”
“You’re not staying out and hitting the smaller rodeos? You may be number one right now, but number two and three could always catch up.”
“I’ll fly out to a few of them. I need a break. I’ve been going and blowing for the last year and I’m exhausted. Besides, I want to spend some time with my folks.”
“Then I guess we’ll see you when you get back to Hamilton. Lincoln will be happy. Now I don’t have to ask you to fly in for Hunter’s christening. You’ll already be in town for it.”
I nodded with a smile, even though he couldn’t see it. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Good, because I was hoping you’d be his godfather.”
Tears pooled in my eyes, and I quickly wiped them away. What in the hell was wrong with me? I was crying now? Quickly, I cleared my throat. “It would be an honor, Brock. Thank you.”
“Get home safe, and maybe you’ll even be able to talk to Merit this time.”
“Yeah. Maybe,” I said.
“We’ll see you soon.”
“See you soon.”
Chapter Four
MERIT
My mother stood behind me and smiled. “I am so happy you’re going out!”
I had to force myself not to roll my eyes. Even though I was looking forward to getting out and seeing some people I knew, I wasn’t so sure about my actual date. Channing was a nice guy, but something told me his heart might be with someone else. And I usually went with my gut on things like that, since I’d had enough experience in the area.
“Don’t get all excited, Mom. It’s a casual date, that’s all.”
With a frown, she asked, “What in the world does that even mean? A casual date?”
Laughing, I replied, “It means we’re going to be in a very public place with a group of people. It’s not a one-on-one date. I think Channing asked me because he felt sorry for me sitting at home all the time.”
She scoffed. “Nonsense! You are a stunningly beautiful woman, and any man would be honored to go out with you.”
I brought my hands to my hips. “You have to say that, you’re my mother.”
Her frown turned into a smile. “I’ve heard nice things about Channing.”
With a sigh, I turned to face her. “Mom, I’m not looking to get into anything serious. I simply want to get back out in the world again. The last six months I’ve been so wrapped up in the farm, I’ve forgotten how to live.”
Sadness filled her eyes, and I knew she was feeling regret for asking me to come back to Hamilton.
I took her hands in mine. “But like I said, I am so happy to be home. I don’t miss New York, and I’m happy here with you.”
“Will you tell me why you stayed away for so long? And I know it wasn’t simply because you had an amazing job,” she said.
“That’s a story for another day, Mom, and not worth talking about.”
She tilted her head and looked at me. “I know it has something to do with Dirk. You two were such good friends, I hate that something came between the two of you.”
I turned and looked back into the mirror. It wasn’t something that came between us, more like someone.