“I’m sorry about what happened, Dex. It was wrong, and Catherine’s a fucking bitch for doing that to you.” He was on his feet, staring me down like an assailant rather than his son.
All I could do was stare because I’d never heard my father say anything like that before.
“She didn’t know how to process her grief, so she took it out on you, which is fucking bullshit. How could she possibly put the blame on you when you’re the best of the best? Making you carry the weight of his death is unacceptable. She completely ignored the fact that Allen ate like shit, didn’t exercise, and let his heart get that bad on his own. It had nothing to do with you. He wouldn’t have needed the surgery in the first place if he just took care of himself. How dare she put that on you.” The skin of his face started to tint red, the vein in his forehead bulging because he was livid. He never expressed anger like this, was always happy since I could remember, but this explosion told me he’d kept this bottled inside for a very long time. “She lost someone she loved, but so did you, and instead of being there for you, she chose to abandon you. It’s weak. It’s pathetic. She never deserved the Hamilton name, and I’m glad she doesn’t have it anymore.”
There was a very small part of me that was almost offended, like I needed to defend her from the horrific things my father said, and that sensation told me I wasn’t quite over what happened. I’d been divorced for almost a year, had lovers come and go, had moved on with my life, but a small part of me still missed that relationship. I became nostalgic about it sometimes, especially when I saw happy couples because at one point in time, that had been me. The years I was married were the best of my life. Sharing my days with someone like that, loving her with my whole heart couldn’t compare to single life.
I couldn’t imagine ever feeling that way again.
I couldn’t picture myself ever getting married again.
I couldn’t even picture myself with a girlfriend.
Dad shifted his gaze away and took a moment of silence to calm his anger, to move his hands to his hips and let the rage dissolve in his blood. “You continue to let her have power over you. Don’t.”
“It’s not about her—”
“It is about her. You’ve lost patients before, Dex.”
But I’d never really felt responsible—until my wife made me responsible.
“Derek has a great therapist you can talk to.”
“Like that will make a difference,” I said bitterly.
“We need to try.” He stepped closer to me, dropping his arms to his sides. “We need to work past this. You’re too young, too brilliant, to throw everything away. Catherine wasn’t the right one. There is a woman out there who will love you unconditionally, even in tragedy, and you need to find her. You know what happened in my first marriage. You know what happened with Derek and Tabitha. Look at us now. We’re both happily married, with women who would do anything for us in a heartbeat. You will find that.”
I dropped my gaze and stared at the floor. “I can’t imagine ever feeling that way about anyone. Catherine is the only woman I’ve ever loved. I just…I can’t picture that happening.”
“You can’t picture it right now. But when you’re in a better place, you will. And the first step to getting to a better place is getting your life back. Reopen your practice. Help people. Reclaim your identity.”
I couldn’t picture opening up someone on the table, the fluorescent lights bright above me, the monitor beeping quietly next to me. I couldn’t picture myself asking for tools from the nurses, running the operating room like nothing had happened. All I would be able to think about was Allen drawing his last breath. “That’s not gonna happen.”
“Dex—”
“Dad.” I held up my hand so he wouldn’t launch another argument. “Objectively, I understand that walking away isn’t the right call. But what you need to understand is that I’m a different person now. Allen and I had a close relationship, and I remember the night I asked if I could marry his daughter like it was yesterday. It was like losing a member of my own family. And then the love of my life left me…without looking back. I’m just not the same person anymore. I can’t force myself to be that guy. Just a few weeks before his surgery, she and I were trying to start a family.” Sometimes it was hard to see Derek with his kids because that could have been me if I’d never operated on Allen. If that hadn’t happened, I would still have my life, a wife I loved, kids that I loved even more. “I lost everything in a single day, including myself. I just hope you can respect that and accept me as I am.”