"Jace!" Beth swatted my back.
"Beth, seriously, don't interrupt a man when he's exploring. It's like our natural habitat, okay? Throws us off and freaks us out when women try to help."
She swatted me again, this time hitting me in the back.
"Beth, seriously." I turned around.
Her eyes were big as saucers, and then everything happened in slow motion. A tree-trunk-shaped hairy leg appeared in my line of vision. Beth screamed and started running in the other direction, and then something I can only describe as a species not yet discovered on this planet began crawling down my face.
Not a proud moment when a man screams like a small child and begins pulling off all of his clothes.
"R-uuun!" I shouted.
Beth had already taken off.
The creature bobbed against my line of vision as I ran. I swatted against it to get it to fall off of my face, but somehow it managed to cling to my arm. I imagined its tiny fangs sinking into my skin just as the sugarcane parted into a clearing.
Beth was hunched over, breathing hard, and I was still shaking my arm, trying to get the creature or spider or whatever the hell it was off.
"Shh…" A Hawaiian man approached, hands high in the air. "You're scaring Frank."
"Frank?" I stopped moving my arm and looked at the offensive creature.
"Very old," the man nodded, "very wise guardian of the cane."
"Oh, dear Lord."
"You mustn't remove Frank," our guide said in low tones. "He removes himself when he's ready."
"Would that be before or after he kills me?" I asked. "Just curious."
"He does not kill." The Hawaiian man actually looked upset that I'd even suggested such a thing. "He brings life into the cane and guards it from evil."
"So I'm evil?"
"No." The man took another step forward. "He must have been attracted to your scent. Tell me, are you aroused?"
I blinked a few times. Was this real? Or was I hallucinating?
"Hell. No." Was he accusing me of being sexually attracted to spiders? Is that what was happening?
"During mating season, the spider senses can often be affected by the scent of arousal. Have you and your lady friend been…" He coughed.
"No," Beth chimed in. "Lady friend says no."
"Interesting." The man finally stopped in front of me. "But you want to, with your lady friend?"
"Uh…" Oh, what the hell. "Yes."
"It could be the Viagra," Beth chimed in.
I sent her a seething glare while Frank clenched harder onto my arm.
"A young man such as yourself? Needing Viagra?" The guide chuckled. "No wonder Frank's attaching himself to you. He smells your desire."
"I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO MALE SPIDERS!" Yeah. I'd snapped. I'd take that assassination attempt any second now.
"Nobody said you had to mate with him." Beth giggled.