“Yet, something has abruptly come between us. Something that Astir said to you has supplanted our happiness with this sense of dread. ”
Covering my face with one hand, I sat in terrible silence. I was unsure of what to say, but I was overwhelmed with the thought that I could be Ignatius’ destruction.
I felt the cool touch of his hand on mine and looked up at him. He knelt slowly at my feet and gazed up at me. Touching his face lightly with my fingers, I tried to smile, but failed. Somberly, he lay his head on my lap as I rested my palm against his silken hair.
“I was a priest once. I loved God from a very young age. I found solace in my village’s church and went there every day when my chores were done. I would sit in the presence of God and pray. Never did I doubt that God was there. Never did I doubt that I would one day serve Him,” he said softly.
Combing my fingers through his hair, I listened, tears flowing freely down my cheeks. I wanted to touch him, hear him, and know him.
“The priest spoke to my parents when I was still quite young. It was clear that I was called to the vocation and my parents released me into the care of the church. I studied diligently and toiled hard. I left behind all earthly desires and needs and worked hard for God and heaven. ” He paused, his voice ripe with emotion, his hands resting on my lap. “I grew my hair long, as Samson did, as a reminder to myself that I should never love a woman. That I should not be weakened by the flesh. I took my vows of celibacy and poverty to the very core of my being. I pledged my love to God alone. In those days…” His voice grew soft. “In those days, I heard His voice and knew peace. ”
I wept quietly over him, trying to soothe him, but knowing I could not.
“I was given my own little chapel in a small village. I loved the people and enjoyed the hard work. I sat with the elderly as they passed on from this world into the next and baptized the newborns as they entered into this world. I loved them all and it felt wonderful to walk through the village, sharing God’s love and encouraging them as they lived their hard lives. ”
Silence revisited us as his words faded and he rested against me. At last, he took a breath and spoke again.
“One night, the village erupted into violence. A young woman was dragged through the streets by a horde of men that declared her a witch. She was quite slender and frail, with dark black hair and eyes the color of fresh grass. She was crying and terrified, her clothes tattered. They had found her sleeping in the home of one of the old women of the town. The old woman was dead and her neighbors were convinced the girl had stolen her soul. I could see the sheer fear on her face and ran to protect her. I ordered the townspeople back and took the girl into my little cottage outside the gates of the chapel. She clung to me, weeping silently. Once inside, she crawled into a corner and sat there shivering. I gave her soup and bread to eat, but she only whimpered and turned away. ”
My hands grew still on his shoulder for I knew in my heart what happened next.
“It was the eve of winter and the days were quite short and dreary. She refused to go outside, I thought out of fear of the villagers. She never spoke and would only sip the weakest of meat broths. I was worried when she did not grow stronger, only weaker. I wrote letters to arrange her transfer to a nearby convent for I felt it unwise for me to keep her with me. Despite my vows, you see, I was taken with her beauty. Her eyes were so green, so vivid, and her lips so very, very red. She was afraid of me and would not let me near her even to read to her from the Bible. So, I would sit near the fire, trying not to look at her where she lay curled on her cot. ”
The room felt thick and heavy with emotion. I lifted my face to look away from his stricken form. I wiped away my tears and covered my eyes with one hand.
“One night, as I washed up before the fire, I looked up to see her kneeling near me. She was staring quite intently at me and for the first time she spoke to me. 'May I have a kiss,' she asked. I was quite startled at this request. I was half-naked with my robe and crucifix lying on the table nearby. Again, she said in her soft, beautiful voice, “May I have a kiss. '” Ignatius slowly slid from my grasp to sit upon the floor, his back to me. He rested his head against his palm as he continued in a very low voice. “Thus I was tempted for the first time by the beauty of a woman. In that moment, I forgot God and only felt the heat she caused within me. I loved her. I leaned toward her and said to her, 'Yes, a kiss, but just one. ' She kissed me and I was lost to her. Then I felt her sharp teeth in my throat and I fell back, holding her to me, terrified yet driven by my lust for her. She drank fully and deeply until my heart nearly faded. Then she said to me, 'Drink of me and know life eternal. ' And I drank. ”
I reached toward him, but hesitated. He was rubbing his mouth with his fingers as the memory tormented him.
“When I awoke I could no longer touch my crucifix. I could no longer enter my church. I no longer felt God’s loving presence. I was separated and apart from all that I had held dear. She sat beside me, renewed and even more beautiful. I was mad with anger and lust and thought to myself if I was to lose my soul to sin at least I had the pleasure of her. ” His voice rasped with his anger. He turned abruptly toward me and I saw the fierceness in his eyes. “Then she asked me to help her return to her husband. ”
I closed my eyes and covered my face. “Oh, Ignatius. ”
“I serve her to this day. She and her husband. I love them both dearly. But when I heard her words I knew I had damned myself foolishly. I swore I would do penance until God once more let me feel His sweet presence and returned me to His service. I swore, Glynis, swore I would endure this hell as my own personal quest for salvation. ”
Suddenly, he was over me, grasping my wrists and dragging me to my feet. “Then I saw you, and I loved you as I have never loved before. I lusted the one who made me. But you, dear God, I love you. You cut me to the quick of my being with your gaze. I feel such joy to be with you that I am lost once more. My penance is forgotten as I reveal in this sin that is my love for you, and I feel no shame!” He shook me hard, his long fangs flashing against his red lips. “I will not lose you to Astir’s damned prophecies!”
I wept with my sorrow, but I knew Astir’s words to be true. I did not understand in what context the Fallen’s prediction would come true, but I knew it would. I would destroy the one that loved me.
“Glynis, I love you,” Ignatius said passionately.
“And I love you!”
He released my wrists and turned away. I took hold of his shoulders and pressed myself against his back.
“Then why do I feel you are lost to me,” he whispered.
“My heart will never be lost to you. I could not take it back if I desired. I love you and nothing Astir says will change that, but I fear that I have caused you far more pain than you realize. ”
“I will not release you,” Ignatius said firmly. He turned and took hold of my shoulders. “I will not! Astir be damned, I will not lose the one thing in this dark life that makes me feel joy. ”
I am a creature of strong will, but I could not withstand the onslaught of his emotion. My knees buckled as I collapsed against him. He swung me about and pinned me to the wall. Kissing me deeply, his hands slid beneath my robe. I instantly responded to his touch.
In our times together, we have always been passionate and fierce lovers, but this last time was desperate and hungry beyond anything I have ever experienced. As before, I knew I loved him and felt his love for me burning in his touch, but there was much more to this almost violent coupling. In retrospect, as I write this, I realize now we both feared it would be the last time we would be together.
When we stood gasping, shuddering, and kissing in the aftermath, I thought I would die if I could never touch him again. The feel of him deep inside of me was an act I did not want to share with any other. It felt right and beautiful, and I did not want this most intimate act to end. Kissing his lips, I whispered to him that I loved him.
“I will fight for you. I will fight Astir’s prediction and anyone who would dare to try separate us,” Ignatius said to me fiercely.