“I love you back.” She touches a finger to my mouth and lingers along my whiskers. “That scares me, too.”
“After tonight, there’ll be no more secrets between us. And you already have a place to live. If you’re not able to forgive me for the hell I put you through, I’ll move into Jarret’s wing. The Cassidy wing is yours, no matter what.”
“I wouldn’t ask you to—”
“About the buzzing feeling…” I remove my hat and set it aside. Then I angle my head to drag my nose along her neck. “Did you feel it when we were younger?”
“Yes.” Her voice shivers.
“How about three years ago? In the barn?”
“Definitely.”
“And you didn’t even know it was me.” I scrape my teeth against her throat. “You might be stuck with the buzzing.” I straighten and brush her hair from her face. “You feel it now?”
“Not so much here.” She touches her nose. “Or here.” She holds up an elbow. “But pretty much everywhere else.” She glances at my twitching mouth and hikes up an eyebrow. “You’re letting this go to your head.”
“Maybe.” I grin. “With regard to the spanking, I know you liked that when we were younger.”
“I did?”
“I swatted your ass constantly. Then you’d love up on me, all hot and bothered.”
“Oh. Yeah, I guess I did.”
“Tell me why you like it.”
She considers me for a moment, her gaze slipping up and down my body and making it impossible to keep my dick in check.
“You’re strong. Really big.” She tilts her head back to look up at me, as if illustrating her point. “A powerhouse of manly muscle and testosterone. Not just your build. It’s your disposition. Your deep voice. Your hands.”
She clutches one of my arms and runs her fingers through mine. I hold still, hanging on her words, loving the way her mind puzzles things out.
“The parts of you that overpower me,” she says, “are the same parts that are so soft and affectionate and tender. That’s the attraction. The appeal. I love that I can let my guard down and relinquish control to a man who fires up my ass and takes care of me at the same time. You might be pushy as all hell, but I know if I tell you to stop, you will. That means, when you spank me and bind my wrists, it’s one-hundred-percent my choice. There’s power in that.”
“That’s why you watch that foreign film, freezing and replaying the rape scene over and over. You’re not trying to control that woman’s pain. You want to control your own.”
“I guess… Yeah, you’re right.”
“What else?”
“I love your…” She closes her eyes and groans. “This is going to sound so greedy.”
“I won’t ever use our talks against you, Conor.”
“I know.” She gives me her gaze, blinking with vulnerability. “When you do things to me, the kinky things, I love your attention. That signal-minded focus. The way you’re so into me. It’s such a turn-on.” With a sigh, she tucks her fingertips under my belt, holding on. “You make a mess of my insides, Jake Holsten.”
“I’m about to make a bigger mess. The next few hours are going to be rough.” I grip her chin and imprison her eyes. “I know that talking about the ravine feels impossible, but you’re strong enough. You already survived it, and here you are, despite it all.” I harden my voice with conviction. “You’re ready, Conor.”
A muscle quivers in her cheek, and she squares her shoulders. Then she slides off the counter, gives me her back, and raises her arms, following my initial command.
My blood sings in awe. No one does courage like Conor Cassidy.
“You know what I find so remarkable about you?” I lift off her shirt and unclasp the bra. “Lower your arms.”
“Hm?” She drops her hands to the counter.
“Through the rises and falls…” I feather the backs of my fingers down her bare spine. “Through the ups and downs…” Leaning over her shoulder, I touch my lips to her neck. “You never let the shit in your life define who you are.”
“I went through some pretty horrific redefining moments.”
Remorse pinches hard in my gut. “But you’re still you. You absorbed the good and bad, and the core of you endured. You never broke.”
“Give it time.” She laughs nervously. “The night’s not over yet.”
I spin her to face me and fasten my mouth to hers. With my hands caressing her breasts, I kiss her until her muscles loosen and her knees buckle. Then I step back.
“Go to the bedroom. Remove the rest of your clothes.” My groin tightens. “Lie face down on the bed and wait for me.”
As she willingly walks toward a long night of terrifying memories, my stomach knots with trepidation.
They’re not just her memories. They’re mine, too.
I failed her that night. Under no circumstances can I fail her again.