“Later” means at his house, where prying eyes can’t see us. His house where I’ll feel out of my depth because it’s his home ground. I’ve always felt a little uncomfortable sliding between the sheets that I know his momma put on his bed, looking up at ceiling cracks that my friend Cathy must have studied too. There’s one that looks like an eagle’s face. I wonder if she thought that as Justin licked between her legs, using his fingers to spread her open enough to take his big cock. The thought makes me feel sick with myself. Justin’s words ring in my ears. “Cathy doesn’t own me. Just because we dated in the past doesn’t mean she can control me for the rest of my life.” And he’s right to a certain extent. We haven’t technically done anything wrong. They haven’t dated for well over three months, but emotions aren’t logical, and we haven’t exactly been upfront.
It’s that guilt that prickles my skin.
I’ve gnawed my nails to the quick by the time my classes are over. Cora makes idle conversation about what we’re going to do at the weekend. I nod when she suggests going to the mall, even though making plans as frivolous as that suddenly feels wrong. I tell her I’m not feeling great and should get home, and then I rush off to my car. I see Justin getting into his truck across the lot, and my heart skitters. What must he be thinking right now? Probably nothing close to what I’m actually going to tell him.
When I slump into the driver’s seat, closing the door, I gaze around at the stream of students leaving the buildings around me, the blue of the sky, and the vivid green of the trees that flutter in the soft breeze. It feels as though I’m taking a picture of something that I’ve never really been a part of. Most of the students live in dorms and frat houses. Only some, like me and Sean, don’t have families that can afford accommodation. I feel that my view of the world will be different because I won’t be the same after I open my mouth and I say the words I’ve been keeping bottled inside.
Usually I drive home, leave my car there, and then walk to Justin’s. Leaving my car out front would be too much of a risk, but I’m feeling tired to my bones today, and the nausea that triggered the test is worse too. When I ring Justin’s doorbell, and he opens, I see his eyes flick to my car. I’m expecting him to tell me to move it, but the strange energy that I feel pulsing from me must be palpable enough that he doesn’t mention it.
Justin leads the way to his room and flops onto his bed, picking up his phone. There’s no kiss hello or affectionate hug. There’s nothing but swagger and arrogance. The things that made him so sexy to me before don’t seem so intriguing anymore. As I stand by the closed door, he tosses his phone onto his nightstand and tugs off his t-shirt, looking over at me, still fully clothed. “What?” he asks. He’s seriously expecting sex. I suppose I can’t blame him. Conversation has never been an important part of our time together.
Even under the circumstances, with the enormous weight of the secret I’m holding pressing against my chest, his body still calls me. I wonder if I’ll ever get so close to such a good-looking man again, or if I’ll ever touch him again. Part of me wants to drop my skirt and panties to the floor and climb into bed next to him just one more time. I could imprint the memory of the girl I am in his bed into my memory before things change.
They’re going to change big time, and for good.
“I… I need to tell you something.”
Justin tosses his shirt onto the floor and leans back against his pillows with one arm behind his head.
“Is Cathy badmouthing me again? You know, that girl just doesn’t seem to be able to get over me. You shouldn’t listen to what she’s got to say. It’s not coming from a good place.”
I shake my head, finding my bottom lip gripped between my teeth with nerves. Cathy has been badmouthing Justin, but only because she wants him back. It’s taking longer this time, probably because Justin has me to keep him distracted and satisfied. Me to kill time with. Me to use while Cathy swears and lashes out.
My stomach roils with morning sickness, even though it’s the afternoon, and I get a sudden desperate craving for the dry breadsticks I have in my purse.
“It’s nothing to do with Cathy,” I say slowly, noticing the flicker of disappointment in his eyes. They are both as bad as each other. There are many things I could say to soften the two words that are going to shatter everything, but I’m too tired and too close to throwing up to bother sugar-coating anything with Justin anymore. He’s going to get it straight up, like a dagger to the heart. “I’m pregnant.”