The Crush

“Does that moment we shared have anything to do with why you came to The Iguana tonight?” My breathing quickened. “Was it more than just checking to make sure I wasn’t lying?”

You could have heard a pin drop in the truck as Jace stared out at the empty jungle gym.

Then he turned his whole body toward me. “Okay, look. Full disclosure…you’re a beautiful girl. There’s no denying it. And yes, there was a moment. But it was just a moment, okay? A slip in judgment on my part—just like showing up tonight was. That day in the pool... I was having a really good time with you. I felt more at peace and carefree than I had in a while—a long while. I don’t know if it’s that you remind me of a happy time in my life—my youth—or if it’s more than that. But I can’t investigate it. That’s the point.” He paused. “If things were different, it would feel very natural to be attracted to you.”

My heart wanted to burst. “It’s pretty surreal to hear you say that. For so long, it’s seemed like you saw me as that twelve-year-old girl you left behind when you moved away to college.”

He laughed as he looked up. “Let’s put it this way: I wish I could still see you like that.”

“I had the biggest crush on you back then,” I admitted.

He nodded. “I know.”

“What? What do you mean, you know?”

“I knew about that—your little crush on me.” He smiled hesitantly.

I straightened in my seat. “How is that possible? I never told anyone. I only wrote about it in my diary.”

A guilty look crossed his face.

“Jace...what are you not telling me?”

He placed his head on the steering wheel for a moment and muttered, “Shit.”

“Did you look in my diary?”

Looking up, he laughed. “No. I didn’t. I swear.”

“Then how did you know? Because I thought I played it pretty cool.”

“Your mother told me.”

“My mother?” I blinked. “What?” That made no sense. My mother would never have betrayed my trust.

“Okay, before you get upset, try to understand that she had your best interests in mind when she let it slip.”

“How could ratting me out possibly mean she had my best interests in mind?”

“I guess there was a period of time when I started bringing Grace around a lot. I invited her over to dinner at your parents’ house more than once. I had no clue that you felt a certain way about me. One night, your mom had a little too much wine after dinner, I think. You’d disappeared to your room, and Grace had just left. I was sitting at the table with Nathan and your parents getting ready to play cards.” He stared off. “I’ll never forget it. She said, ‘Do you mind putting my daughter out of her misery and not inviting Grace to dinner so much?’ I had no idea what she was talking about. Then she explained.”

“Ugh.”

“Your mom was looking out for you.” He smiled. “Your dad just sat there rolling his eyes.”

I stared up at the night sky. “I don’t know how to feel about this news. On one hand, it’s kind of a sweet story, and on the other, I want to kill my mother posthumously.” I shook my head. Then it hit me. “It’s rare that you mention them.”

Jace nodded. “Yeah, well, I guess listening to you speak tonight brought out the courage.”

Crickets chirped as I thought about what to say next. I had to be careful not to open any old wounds. “I always just assume it hurts you too much, so I never talk about them in front of you or ask you anything...about...you know.”

“It sucks because I feel like I should be able to talk about it…for you and Nathan…but I can’t. I’m sorry for that.”

I rested my hand on his knee. “No one expects you to open up if it’s too painful. It’s okay if you don’t ever want to.”

He exhaled. “It was definitely easier to be in Charlotte all these years. If you’re trying not to have to deal with something, distance helps.”

“You don’t need to talk about it, but if you ever want to, you can talk about it with me. You know that, right? It’s not easy for me either, but I’d be willing to go there with you.”

His mouth curved. “How did you get to be so strong?”

“I try to be strong for Nathan, but that doesn’t mean my mind doesn’t travel to dark places.”

“That’s why tonight was so amazing. Whatever brought me to that damn bar…I never expected to see you up on stage. I’m proud of you for putting your fears aside.”

I felt myself smiling. “Thank you.”

“Your message—that it’s okay to not be okay—undoubtedly helped someone in the audience tonight, myself included.” Jace’s eyes lingered on mine.