“I suppose,” she said, before taking a sip from her cola. “Although, sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants. When that happens, I don't think there's much you can do about it.”
“You got all this from seeing me hang out and play tag football one afternoon with him?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Yep,” she said confidently.
“Well, then you must be psychic or something,” I said. “Or maybe psychotic. Not sure which. Because I don't think he wants anything to do with me that doesn't involve patients or their kids.”
“Right.” Karina rolled her eyes, obviously not believing me. “And you haven't thought about how cute a kid would be with your hair and his eyes. Or maybe his hair and your smile. Oh, that would be so cute.”
How did she know? “Nope. Totally haven't, and you are delusional.”
As if on cue, I heard the sound of a child crying. We both turned to look. It came from my left where a young mom was pushing a stroller down the sidewalk. I didn't recognize her and assumed she must have been from out of town. The mother stopped and checked on the her. She put more crackers in front of the girl, making the crying stop.
A little girl sat in her stroller smiling and carefully picking up each cracker with tiny fingers before popping it into her mouth. Her hair was the color of Dr. Matthews' and she had beautiful blue eyes.
The image of a baby with Dr. Mathew's eyes in my arms popped into my brain again.
I was such a liar. I wanted a baby with Dr. Matthews. I wanted him. I wanted everything that I said I didn't.
I shook my head, knowing that I was fooling myself. It wasn't going to happen.
I was still feeling the effects of Ashton on my brain, I told myself. It always happened when I worked with kids. I couldn't get them off my mind. I wanted one of my own so badly, but it just didn't seem like it was going to happen. I was saving up to afford an adoption, but the idea of being a single mother was terrifying in a different way than not having kids.
“You, alright, Hannah?” Karina asked.
I realized then that I had been blatantly staring at the woman with the child. I nodded quickly, forcing my attention back toward Karina.
“Yeah, I'm fine,” I said. “Sorry, just thought I recognized that girl.”
“Oh, no problem,” she said. “I was just telling you a funny story that happened to me at the grocery store the other day.”
“Go ahead,” I said. “I'm listening now.”
Karina began to talk and I tried to pay attention. It was nearly impossible, though. All I could do was think about was a baby with Dr. Matthews' eyes in my arms. It seemed like everywhere I looked, women were having babies. Not just at my job, though, but everywhere.
I need to have a kid and soon. Otherwise, I'm going to lose my mind, I thought, while halfway listening to Karina's grocery store story. I just need to find the right guy and it isn't Dr. Matthews.
Chapter 9
That night, I found myself completely exhausted. I ate a bowl of soup with some homemade banana bread and attempted to stay awake to watch my favorite reality show. Within minutes, though, my eyelids became heavy. I could hardly keep them open long enough to get up and turn off the television.
I somehow managed to find the remote, and once the television was off, I sat back down on the couch. I wrapped myself in a blanket that my grandmother had knitted for me as a graduation gift for getting through nursing school. My tiredness, combined with the warmth of the blanket, made me even more drowsy. As soon as I closed my eyes, I was asleep.
I had no clue how long I'd been out before a knocking came on the front door of my house. It was loud and sounded urgent, echoing off the walls. It caused me to wake up and wearily look around. When I glanced over, I noticed that the moon was shining its pale light through my windows.
It must be at least midnight, I thought. Who could that be?
After wiping the sleep from my eyes, I stood up from the couch and walked toward the front door. The knocking came again and I felt my heart leap into my throat. For a moment, I considered running to the garage and grabbing my old baseball bat. I didn't own any guns, so a bat was the closest thing I had for protection.
“Who is it?” I called out.
There was a second of silence and then I heard a man clear his throat. “It's me.”
The voice sounded familiar, but I was still hesitant to unlock the door.
“Me?” I said. “That doesn't answer my question.”
“It's Jacob,” he said. “It's freezing out here. Can you let me in?”