Chapter Fourteen
Selena
“You’re getting big,” my mom said.
I sighed and set the bag of groceries on the counter in her trailer. I lived on the nice side of town in a condo I’d bought with the money I’d gotten from Melanie Stewart. The last place I’d wanted to come back to was West Virginia, but I could commute to Marshall where I was, and I had a few cousins in town who could help me with the pending need for an affordable babysitter.
God knew I was never going to let my mother near my child.
Still, being this close to her, I felt obligated again, like I had to check in on her to make sure she’d eaten and was still alive. I’d let her have my current cell number so that she could dial me on Saturday nights when she needed to be bailed out. I didn’t technically owe her anything, but being this close to her, it was hard not to keep an eye on her.
I sighed and put a hand on my belly. Since I’d gotten pregnant clearly sometime around late June, I was now close to four months pregnant and had gained over twenty-five pounds. On my short frame, it almost looked like I’d swallowed a beach ball, and I had five more months to go. Around school, I had a part-time job doing editing for the local paper, and it was a stretch to get everything done. I was past the morning sickness, but my back was stiff, and my ankles were always swollen.
Whoever said that being pregnant was some miracle of life, must have been a guy who’d never been pregnant because the last thing I felt was blessed.
Or like some magical Madonna partaking in the miracle of life.
And all that happy Circle of Life/Disney horseshit.
“I know.”
Mom was so skinny. I brought her food at least three times a week—groceries to make sure she was eating—but the meth kept her from wanting to eat. I’d begged her so many times before I’d left for New York, and now since I’d gotten back, to quit, but she’d made her choices. Still, seeing the bones of her shoulder and spine popping out so badly under her tank top made me want to cry.
“You don’t want to get too fat with that. Then again, if you have one kid, maybe you’re not too worried about ever attracting a man again, Selly.”
I gritted my teeth and worked double time to put the eggs and milk in the fridge. I wasn’t the same naïve kid who’d left her. Granted, I’d made a big mistake and fallen for the promises of someone else; someone who apparently had spun lies to so many girls over the years. I was just another one.
“Don’t call me that. I’m not five.”
“I can tell,” my mother snapped.
I slammed the refrigerator door harder than I had to.
“You’ve had something you’ve been trying not to tell me for two months. If you have something to get off your chest, then do it,” I said, turning around and leaning against what counted as a counter in the shit hole.
My mother managed to sit up on the sofa. “You know what this is? All that time you always stared at me like I was dirt. Now, you’ve done the exact same thing. You’ve come here, and you’re pregnant and lording over me. Some rich man gave you shame money to get the hell out of his life, but you still act like you’re better than me. Girlie, you ain’t shit. You’re just like me so welcome to the club.”
I swallowed hard and willed my heart not to break. The truth was that it was somehow worse. I’d run before Brandon could reject me as just a flavor of the week. I’d been dismissed by his damn ex-wife. But if I’d told him, and he’d asked me to get rid of the baby… If he’d “handled” a situation like this before, then there was no way I was going to be able to survive any of this. It would break my heart to smithereens, and I needed to be there for the baby.
I was all they’d have.
“You’re so quiet. Don’t have a smart, college girl reply now, do you?”
I sighed. “I have to finish my degree. I’m glad I have what I do and that Cousin Samantha and Cousin Dana are going to help. There’s nothing else I can do. You want to hear that you’re right and I fucked up? Yeah, I did. But I’m owning my mistake. The last thing you’ll ever see me do is stick a needle in my arm, smoke random chemicals up, and blame it day in and day out on my child. You might have had me, but you’ve never been a mother, and we both know it.”
My mother reached for a half-drunk beer on her table and swigged it. “You say that now, but you’ll change your tune soon enough. You think you know shit about being a mom. You don’t know nothing and no, girl, you aren’t better than me.”
She let out a long burp.
I shook my head and grabbed my car keys. “You know what, Mom. Be as bitter as you want. I care about you, and I’ll still keep an eye on you, but I won’t be the excuse for you about why you ruined your life. I just won’t.”
With that, I hurried out to my car.
***
The drive didn’t take long. One side of town wasn’t far from the other side, but it felt long. I couldn’t stop from thinking about what my mother said; about how much I’d become like her. I wasn’t going to fall into addiction, and I’d never resent my child, but I’d be a failure too. I’d had dreams of being a top fashion writer in the big city. At least I could probably milk my connections for a full-time job with benefits at the newspaper. Do something.
But I’d derailed my life before it had even started, and I felt so terrible about all of it.