“Right. Then it’s time to put you to bed.”

“No. Have to watch you.”

“You’re not in any shape for that. I’ll be a good little boy and stay in my room after I tuck you in.”

“Stay in my bed?”

“Earlier I would’ve said yes to that, but right now, I won’t.”

I looked at him then, holding his gaze. “I do want to fuck you.”

Emilio ignored me and tugged on my arm. “There’s no way I can pull you to your feet. You’re going to have to put in some effort.”

I didn’t want to. I wanted to lie down right there and never move again.

When I didn’t get to my feet, Emilio let go of my hand. “Do you want me to call someone to help you?”

“Like Henrietta?”

“No, she wouldn’t be able to lift you any more easily than I can. I mean like Giorgio or Niall or Leo.”

“They’re not here.”

“No, but I thought they could talk to you. I thought you might need…”

How the hell did he know what I needed? I didn’t want to ask for help, not about this, but I pulled my phone from my pocket and handed it to him. “Giorgio.”

I stared at my phone in his hands. Had I really just given it to him? I never handed it to anybody. It held too many secrets.

I lay back against the wall and listened to Emilio’s half of the conversation.

“It’s Emilio, actually… X is… He’s been drinking, and I think he needs to talk to someone… Yeah, he’s in pretty bad shape… I tried to get him off the floor and send him to bed, but… Outside my room… Okay, here he is.”

I took the phone and pressed it to my ear.

“X, what’s going on?” Giorgio asked.

“I’m an asshole.”

“Yeah, I’ve known that for years. Why are you thinking about it now?”

“Dream.”

“Was it bad?”

“Worst I’ve had in a long time.”

I realized Emilio had sat down beside me instead of leaving. He took my hand in his and laced our fingers together. His presence comforted me, and I hoped he would stay until I was off the phone.

Emilio said he never knew the right thing to do or say, but he was wrong about that, at least with me. He knew exactly what I needed. I would’ve sent him away, but now that he was beside me, I knew that was absolutely where I needed him to be.

I squeezed his hand. No one except those who were present on that day in hell were supposed to know what happened, but I wasn’t sure I cared about that anymore. I might not give Emilio the whole story, but I wouldn’t hide it all from him either.

Giorgio invited me to tell him as much as I wanted to about the dream, then prompted me with questions until I felt like I could breathe again. The air no longer felt like it was pressing on me, pushing me down.

“Go get some rest,” Giorgio said. “You know how exhausted you are after one of these episodes.”

“No. I need to take care of Emilio.”

“How the hell are you going to do that right now? How much did you drink?”

I picked up the bottle of whiskey. About three-quarters of it was gone. Had it been full? I thought so. “I don’t know. A lot.”

“You know that just fucks you up worse.”

“Like you wouldn’t have done the same damn thing.”

He huffed. “This isn’t about my bad choices. Go get some rest. Let Emilio help you. He wants to. He—”

“No. Can’t get too close.”

“X, you know you can’t fight this.”

I was sure as hell going to try. “I can fight anything.”

“Not everything needs to be a fight.”

I refused to accept that he was right. “I’m going now.”

“To bed?”

“Yes. Alone.”

Giorgio sighed. “Sleep it off.”

“What if—”

“You won’t dream again. Not now.”

“Bye, Gio.” He hated when I called him that.

“Goodbye, Thomas.”

Emilio took the phone from me, stood, and held out his hand again.

This time I took it and got myself to my feet.

My room seemed much farther away than it was, but finally I fell face down onto my bed and waved my hand, signaling for Emilio to leave.

“I’m going to stay here until you’re asleep.”

“No, you can’t.”

“Go to sleep, X.” I allowed my eyes to close and felt my body sink into the mattress. Just once, I’d let him tell me what to do.

14

Emilio

X slept through dinner, but Henrietta served me an amazing meal of stuffed manicotti, salad, and cheesecake.

All the food made me sleepy, and I drifted off watching videos on my laptop. When I woke, bright sunlight filtered through the curtains, making me guess it was already late morning. I assumed X had woken at some point in the night. I wondered if he was asleep again or if he was up and about. I put on my clothes from the day before, walked the hall, and knocked on his door. He didn’t answer.

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