I’d felt his presence as soon as I walked through the door. I didn’t need to see him, just the fact that he was there had made me feel…different. And the more I felt the more distance I wanted between us. I can’t afford that kind of trust.
Then there was the bitter disappointment I felt the next day when he wasn’t there. I found myself missing him when he went away. There was a different feeling to the club, like it was missing its heart. How silly!
I knew I was in trouble when I walked in and saw his shadow sitting at the bar days later and my whole body went up in flames.
I hadn’t even seen him yet, but just the fact that he was back had made me happier than was warranted. I’d felt settled, less restless now that he was back.
Even more troubling was the night he spent at my place. The night I was finally able to fall asleep without staying up half the night worrying that someone was going to break in and kill me in my sleep.
His presence alone had made me feel safe, protected. Something I haven’t felt since the disintegration of my parents’ once solid union. But instead of giving me comfort, it only made the fear grow inside me even more.
From the first time he held my hand in his I felt something. It took me a while to figure out what that something was; attraction. It scared the hell out of me and I could only put up my defenses.
Because I’d spent my life focused on my first love of dance I never had time to form any lasting relationships, so I was like a little lost lamb that couldn’t find her footing.
I didn’t know what to do with the things he made me feel, still don’t. So I lashed out at him as a way to keep myself safe. I didn’t understand the feelings he’d awakened in me. I only knew that I had to protect myself.
Besides, I didn’t have the first clue as to what to do with someone like him. He was obviously out of my league that was easy to see. So those two things were enough to keep me well out of his reach. I’ve always been level headed after all and not given to flights of fancy.
So that’s why whenever we interacted with each other I hid the butterflies in my tummy beneath a gruff attitude, all the while trembling inside and hoping that he didn’t see beneath the brash attitude to the truth. That I was terrified.
I could only draw on my instinct since I had no real experience with the opposite sex, let alone someone as sophisticated as him.
While others my age were busy hooking up with their significant other, I was in my home studio perfecting my craft. Boys were the last thing on my mind.
Since the age of three dance has been my escape. It was the one place I could fall into the fairyland that lived inside my head.
When I’m dancing I can imagine that I’m like one of the princesses in the stories my mother read to me at night. As I grew older dancing became to me what comfort food is to others.
It wasn’t that I had much to worry about. Back then my life was as ideal as it could be. I had two loving parents and a little brother who, although sometimes beyond annoying, was my favorite person.
When I wasn’t dancing and he wasn’t running around with a football in his hands, the two of us could be found with our heads together plotting some scheme that was sure to turn our mother’s hair grey.
I had believed in that life, had enjoyed the luxury of being the daughter of such a family. The sun always shone for me even when it was raining, because I had the best of everything life had to offer; until it was all gone.
Maybe it was the shock and abruptness of it all that had impacted me so deeply. The way it had all come out of left field and side swiped everyone, except dad, who was the instigator.
For weeks I walked around in a bubble not quite knowing what to do with myself. My mother and brother were miserable and I had no way of helping since I was already away at school.
I told myself that it will all blow over. That there had to be a mistake. The steadfast, kindhearted man I knew and loved would never do such a thing to the family he loved and cherished. But as time went by I knew it wasn’t to be.
When the reality of what happened finally hit home I could do no more than withdraw into my protective shell. I threw myself even harder into dancing, until even that was threatened.