My throat tried to close up on me, like my body didn’t even want the words to come out of my mouth, but I swallowed hard and fought for a little control.
“They put me in a big hole in the ground out in the sun, sand everywhere, and when the sun got to the top of the sky, my back would blister in the heat. After a few days of just leaving me there, they’d come up and ask if I wanted water. Then they’d pour salt water all over me and leave. Usually the next day, they’d haul me out and give me something to drink. Then I was back in the hole. I think they were trying to just…I don’t know…drive me crazy? It probably worked.”
My organs felt like they were trying to climb out of my skin, and I realized I was gnawing on the edge of my thumb with the hand that didn’t contain the nearly burnt-down cigarette. I stopped chewing on myself and tossed the butt into the cup of water.
Lia sat quietly, barely moving. She was holding back tears, but I wasn’t looking for her sympathy. I only wanted to get through this shit so she would understand and hopefully decide my reasons for all the shit I had done were valid enough.
“So, that’s where I stayed for months,” I finally said. “Every once in a while they’d give me water and maybe some rice, but that was it. I’d completely lost track of how long it had been, but one day when they brought me out, that same guy—the leader of that group, or one of them, at least—came back. He started telling me a bunch of shit that was all classified information that he definitely shouldn’t have known. I figured out then that the private I’d seen when they filmed us must have cracked. He certainly would have had knowledge of the intel this guy was telling me.”
I leaned over and put my elbows on my knees. Closing my eyes for a moment, I tried not to let the anger from that time get to me.
“Then he tells me when and where they picked the dude up.” My hands clenched into fists. “Turns out they had him long before they got me. At some point, I realized he was the one who gave away our position, though it wasn’t confirmed until after I came home.”
“The private betrayed me,” Lia whispered.
“What?”
“You’ve said it in your sleep,” she replied, “a couple of times.”
More talking in my fucking sleep. Ultimately, that was what cost Bridgett her life—she learned too much from me while I was napping.
“What else have I said?” I swallowed past the tightness in my throat and awaited her answer.
“Nothing that made any sense,” she said. “Like what you said about the private betraying you—I never would have known what that meant until you told me. You’ve said the word ‘sand’ several times and something about being hit, and lots of letters and numbers that didn’t make sense. I never understood anything else you said.”
I wondered what the letters and numbers might have meant. They could have been military abbreviations, weapon types, codes—there were too many possible answers without having her write them down or something. If she did that, then I would have to explain it to her, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to set myself up like that.
Maybe I could record myself sleeping.
“I’m sorry,” Lia said. “I sidetracked you.”
“It’s all right. I could use a break.”
We ate a little of the leftover pizza, and I took a minute to shave. It was good to have the scruff off; I hated it when my face was stubbly and scratchy. I wished I had my trimmers with me so I could give myself a haircut as well, but I was going to have to live with just the shave.
I made a valiant attempt to distract Lia into fucking again, but she wasn’t having any of it. She quickly and definitively steered me back to my life’s story. I sighed as I gave up and then sat with my back against the headboard.
“So I figured out the private was how they found us,” I went on, “and the insurgent leader continued to try to get more out of me.”
Flashes in my head started feeling like a hammer against my temples.
“You like to tell me your numbers? I’ll give you numbers! How about you count this? Maybe we just keep going until we hit your number, huh?”
My gut tightened up, and my body went stiff. For a moment, Lia and the motel room were gone, and there was nothing but sand and sweat and pain.
“Evan? Evan, baby—it’s okay. I’m right here.”
I felt hands on my face and realized my wrists weren’t bound. I reached out and grabbed the arms that tried to encircle me, and then I heard her voice.
“It’s okay, Evan, it’s me. It’s Lia.”
It was the cracking in her voice that brought me out of it. My eyes found her, and I saw the streaks of tears running down her cheeks. Releasing her forearms, I reached out and brushed one of the tears away.
“Sorry.”
“What were you remembering?” she asked.
I closed my eyes and swallowed. I felt her fingers against my jaw and turned slightly to press my face to her palm.