Status quo.
It was probably for the best for both of us.
So why didn’t I believe it?
Because it was best for her, not for me, and I’d learned to be a selfish son of a bitch over the years. If I could think of something to say to her that would convince her to stay with me, accept who I was and what I did and not be afraid, I would use those words in a heartbeat. As it was, I was only a slight step away from being a big enough bastard to hold her against her will.
Would I really do that?
Fuck.
Yeah, I might.
Though I was both repulsed and intrigued with the idea, I was also trying to figure out how I felt, knowing that I was capable of something like that. It seemed far worse than just killing someone. Once you’re dead, you’re dead—no pain, no suffering. Hell, I’d wished for it myself repeatedly.
I knew what being held captive was like, though—I knew how it felt to be so completely within someone else’s control. I knew exactly what it did to someone when they were imprisoned, and I was considering doing the same thing to her. I didn’t think I would do it—not because I didn’t want to—I did—but that didn’t mean I wasn’t capable of it. I clearly was, and now that the thought was in my head, I couldn’t seem to shake it.
Shit! What if she demands I let her leave, and I can’t do it?
The muscles in my arms and legs were so tight, I was starting to shake a little. Even though I knew there was air coming into my lungs, it still felt like I wasn’t breathing. I tried to find another cigarette, but I had already smoked the few I had bought off the guy at the front desk. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to shove thoughts of Lia, handcuffed to my bed, out of my mind.
“Evan?” Lia’s fingers touched my shoulder, and I startled.
I dropped my hands and looked up at her, waiting for the words that were likely to feel like a stake being shoved through my heart. She didn’t say anything, though. She just wrapped her arms around my head and pulled me against her body.
I lifted my arms to grasp her waist and pull her closer to me. My fingers wrapped around her shirt right at the small of her back, and I clutched at the material. Her warmth was instantly soothing, and a moment later heart rending, because I didn’t know how long it would last.
“Don’t leave,” I heard myself beg. “Please don’t leave.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” she responded.
My throat seized up, and I couldn’t speak. I tilted my head up to look into her face and try to figure out if I had heard her right. If she meant it, I wouldn’t have to test myself. I wouldn’t find out if I was really willing to hold her captive like that.
“You’re not?” I asked quietly.
She shook her head slowly as she leaned back to look at me, and I tightened my fingers around the fabric of her shirt to keep her close.
“Why not?” I heard myself ask. I wanted to take back the words immediately. Asking her to justify why she was staying could very well lead her to change her mind.
“Because you are a mess, and I can’t just leave you like this!” she nearly yelled but then softened her tone. “I needed to find you for a reason. I didn’t completely understand it at the time, but now I think I do. I thought I just needed you, but it seems you need me even more.”
“I do need you,” I said quietly. “It kinda scares me.”
“Me too,” Lia agreed, “but I can’t just…just condone this, Evan. I don’t think I’m wired that way.”
I tensed again and waited for her to explain exactly what she meant.
“Can you just quit?” she asked. “I mean, walk away and never go back? You said it wasn’t like the movies, but I never really watched those movies. I don’t know the rules.”
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I’ve never thought about it, so I’ve never asked. I know I can’t leave now, though.”
“Why not?”
“I have…I have a job to do.”
“You mean someone to kill?”
“Not exactly.”