“We had a deal.” Her voice didn’t sound quite as forceful now. “Are you backing out on me?”
“I told you what happened,” I said again.
“The deal was for the truth,” she countered.
As if I needed the reminder.
I started the Jeep and gripped the steering wheel, trying to decide if I should just get her home quickly and never speak to her again or dump her ass in the school parking lot right now. I was still panting, and my head was getting swimmy. I needed a pain pill…or maybe a drink.
“I won’t tell anyone,” I heard her whisper. “I swear I won’t.”
My foot tapped the accelerator, revving the engine but still not going anywhere. I just stared straight ahead, trying to silence that tiny piece in my brain that wanted to tell her everything. No fucking way.
I continued to grip the steering wheel even as I watched Nicole reach over to turn the key back to the off position. The engine whirred for a moment before dropping back into silence.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her get up on her knees in the passenger seat and crawl partway over to me. Her hand slid around the back of my head, and she pulled me close to her. That’s when I could smell her, and as I inhaled, she threaded her fingers through my hair and pushed it back behind my ear.
No fucking way…
No way…
No…
I can’t…
Please…
I turned my head toward her, something inside of me letting go…giving up. I didn’t know what this was, but I couldn’t stop it. I buried my face against the skin of her neck and wrapped my arms around her waist. I heard myself scream over and over again—my throat going raw from the force of it—until my body just collapsed against her, and she held on to me.
Just like she had before.
“It’s not his fault,” I whispered against her skin. “It’s mine…it’s always been my fault.”
Oh shit.
Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, no…
My mind continued to scream even though my voice had failed.
There was nothing I could do. The words were out.
My mind was empty.
Or it was full, and I just couldn’t see past the fog inside to know the difference.
The warmth of the girl holding me in my car in the middle of the school parking lot was the only thing keeping me grounded, keeping me from completely going over the edge. I was still close, and as the tension throughout my muscles slowly released, the spring inside my head just wound tighter. I closed my eyes as her fingers brushed across my temple in their seemingly endless task of pushing my hair away from my face.
My head was now in her lap, and my arms were wrapped tightly around her waist as she held me, comforted me, and hummed quietly. The emergency brake was uncomfortable against my side, but at least it was my right side. My left side ached. My throat ached. My head ached.
But it was so, so easy to forget about all of that because I was wrapped up in her arms and her scent. I clung to her as if
she were the railing of a balcony on the top floor of a hotel, and my drunk ass had just stumbled over it. It hurt to try to hold on to her, and part of me just wanted to let go and let myself fall—be done with it.
Rain started plopping against the roof of the car—slowly at first but then harder. I still didn’t move, and Nicole didn’t seem to be going anywhere, either. The inside of the windows fogged up, making it hard to tell just how late it was. I wasn’t sure if the dim light was due to the cloud cover or if it was really that late.
I needed to get home.
I raised my head a bit and ended up with my forehead against her shoulder as I finally met her eyes again. She looked so worried. I couldn’t keep my eyes on hers, so I looked away again, focusing out the window though there was nothing to be seen.