And then there was that
other, little bitty, stupidly moronic, and possibly masochistic part of me that just wanted to wrap my arms back around her, kiss her gently, and tell her I was going to protect her. I wanted her to run her hand though my hair because it calmed my body as much as any exercise. I wanted to feel the warmth of her body next to mine while she slept. I wanted to feel her breath against my cheek. These were the dangerous thoughts. These were the ones I didn’t want to have. But I did want them. I wanted to feel this way. I didn’t want to feel this way.
Fuck!
Somehow she had managed to move back up close to me again.
“Bastian?”
“What?” I snapped, my voice more harsh than I meant to be.
“I’m sorry, Bastian.”
“For what?” I asked, confused now. My head was starting to pound with all the different directions it was trying to go at once.
“I already know she hurt you.” Raine reached back up and placed her hand on the side of my face again. My leg stopped jumping around, and I felt an automatic, slow exhale escape my lungs. “I don’t need to know the details. I’m sorry I pushed. I just…I want to know you.”
“You really ought to stay away from me,” I warned her, and at the same time I leaned into her touch.
“That doesn’t seem possible at the moment,” Raine smiled and glanced around the small craft. “Even if it were, I wouldn’t want to stay away from you.”
“I’m not…a nice guy, Raine.” I didn’t know how to make her understand that there wasn’t anything else to me despite what she wanted to believe. I was what I was – violent, crude, and utterly unlovable. Maybe if I told her everything, she would understand, but I really didn’t want her to know.
“I think maybe you should let me decide that.” Raine dropped her hand from my face and put both of her fists on her hips. “You know, I’m starting to get a little tired of this.”
“What?” I asked. I shifted back a little, and I was pretty sure my cock might have actually shrunk back from her glare, too.
“You took care of me,” she said, her darkened eyes staring into mine. “You watched over me and took care of me all this time. I would be dead if it weren’t for you. I’m tired of you telling me you’re some kind of evil creature. If you were evil, you never would have pulled me out of the water. You never would have taught me how to use the collection system or the flares, and you wouldn’t have held me at night when I was scared I was going to die!”
“You want me to list all the nasty shit I’ve done in the past couple of weeks, too?” I didn’t know if it was her words making me angry or if it was because she wasn’t touching me anymore. I probably should have known the real reason, but I didn’t want to let myself know. “I bet my numbers are going to outweigh yours. Did you forget about me backhanding you?”
“No, I did not,” Raine snarled, “but drunk and detoxifying you isn’t the real you. You can’t hide from me anymore, Bastian! I have seen into you, and I don’t understand why you won’t just admit it!”
“Because I’m fucking terrified of feeling something for you, okay?” I screamed back at her, and my whole body went cold.
I guess I couldn’t shut down completely after all.
Chapter 9 - Hold
I dropped my head into my hands. I’d always had a problem keeping my mouth shut, and obviously today wasn’t any different from any other day in the past. I closed my eyes and dug the heels of my hands into my eye sockets. I was not trying to hold back tears. I wasn’t.
“I know you are, Bastian.”
I had a flash of implausible thought focused on Raine reading my mind, but I then realized she was referring to my previous statement. She meant the words that never should have left my mouth in the first place, not my internal ramblings.
“I didn’t mean…I’m not…I mean…look, Raine…”
I didn’t really have anything coherent to say, so I gave up and dropped my head again. When Raine spoke again, her voice was quiet and concerned.
“Are you saying that because you think we’re going to die?”
“No,” I responded, keeping my hands over my face. There was a long pause before I could manage to speak again. “That would make it easier, actually.”
“Why do you say that?”
Because you wouldn’t have the chance to hurt me.
“Because I’m not going to care about anything if I’m dead,” I said out loud. “You probably won’t give a shit at that point, either.”