“You haven’t convinced me that you’re some kind of homicidal maniac.” She leans in close and touches my cheek. “Yes, you’ve killed, but you did it for a reason. You did it in defense of yourself or someone you care about. I don’t think that’s the same as someone who kills women for fun. Did you find any of it fun?”
“No, but I was glad they were dead. I was glad Mack was dead because he couldn’t hurt Ava again. I failed to protect her once, and I wasn’t going to let that happen again. I’m glad that asshole who held a gun to your head is dead, because if anything happened to you…”
“Not exactly the same as knifing someone and calling it beautiful, is it?”
“Does that make them less dead?”
“No, but the fact that you’re berating yourself about it does make a difference, yes.”
“I’m not though. I don’t regret killing those guards. I’m glad they’re dead because they would have hurt you. I don’t regret killing Mack because now he can’t hurt Ava again. I barely managed to protect you, but I failed Ava completely.”
“Who is Ava?” Aerin asks.
“She’s…she’s a friend. She lives in Plastictown. She told me she was afraid of him, and I didn’t protect her—not in time.”
“He hurt her?”
“Yeah.” I don’t elaborate, but I get the idea that Aerin understands anyway.
“I think she’s grateful for that, don’t you?”
“She doesn’t know what I did,” I say. “At least, I don’t think she does. That was right before the quake when we ended up in the mountain. I haven’t seen her since then.”
“Talen, nothing you have said makes me think less of you. Just the opposite, actually.”
“How can you even say that?” I ask. “I just confessed to murdering someone in cold blood. Multiple people. I’ve killed more than that serial killer at Havens.”
“You killed this Mack guy to protect your friend. You killed those guards to protect me. You killed in order to escape an institution that would have definitely resulted in your own death, so you did that to protect yourself. I bet everyone you’ve killed was to protect yourself or someone you cared about. That isn’t anything like someone who does it because he thinks it’s fun!”
I glance away. On some level, I recognize her logic, but I’m so used to hating myself for killing those people, it’s difficult to just accept her words. I remember arguments with my father in my early teens, regarding the sanctity of life and how one life wasn’t more valuable than another. How could I debate that point with him and then absolve myself of the blood on my own hands?
“They’re still dead,” I finally say.
“And you’re going to continue to beat yourself up about it.”
“Maybe.” I sigh as I look back to her. “If I let myself become too callous about it, I think I will turn into someone like that serial killer. I also know I have to do what needs to be done to keep the Naughts in Plastictown safe. They count on me to provide them with what they need and to protect them. I had to act to keep you safe. I failed Ava, and I never want that to happen again. I still hate what I have to do sometimes.”
“You care about them.” Aerin tilts her head and looks at me intently. “You care about all the people down there.”
“They need me.”
She nods. I can see that Aerin has justified my actions in her own mind. How I feel about what I’ve done…does that really matter? Though I can’t quite agree, at least she isn’t running from me.
“So, you don’t hate me now?” I look at her hopefully.
“No, Talen. I don’t hate you at all. I have no idea what those guards would have done with us, but I seriously doubt it would have been anything good. They’re obviously planning something for the people in the valley. They recognized you and would have likely taken you prisoner, at least until your father arrived. They might have just assumed I was from Plastictown and killed me outright.”
“I don’t know. They might have recognized you as one of their own.”
“Not everyone is as observant as you are,” Aerin says. “I’ve been posing as a Naught for months. No one else picked up on it.”
“Either way, you’re right about them planning something. We need to get back to Plastictown and warn them.”
“Warn them about what?” Aerin asks. “We have no idea what they’re going to do.”
“We can’t just sit here and do nothing. My father will be in the area in a matter of days. I know for a fact that he isn’t going to spare two seconds thinking about the people in Plastictown.”
“Whatever those two are planning, they obviously haven’t started, right? We should have some time.”