So, I begin to panic. It’s my go-to response for everything.
My body tenses and my head begins to spin. I try to reel myself in, thinking of the ropes around me, but it all feels different now. Different is supposed to feel bad, but it doesn’t. It feels good, and that scares me just as much. The warmth in my body concentrates in my face, and I hear a small whimper escape my throat.
“It’s okay,” Casey says softly in my ear. “Hold on. I’m right here.”
I feel the ropes loosen around me. I want to scream at her to stop—I didn’t mean for her to take them off—but I can’t say anything. The ropes begin to fall away, and I just want to cry as my body is released from the tight, harsh embrace.
After she releases the final knots, Casey brings my hands around and rests them in my lap, then rubs my arms and shoulders.
“Are you okay?” she asks.
I have no idea how to respond. My throat tightens up. She asked me a question, and I’m supposed to answer verbally, but I don’t know what to say.
“Did I screw this up?” She sits back, sighing again.
I look up at her, immediately wanting to apologize for causing the look on her face. She thinks she did something wrong, but I know it’s all me.
“I’m the one who screwed it up,” I say quietly. “I’m always the one screwing it up.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” she says. “I’m in charge here, remember? I make the decisions, not you. I’m the one who has to make sure it’s all right.”
If I were the type to argue a point with someone, I’d be arguing with her now. Of course I did something wrong. I’m in a room with a person I barely know, and I don’t have the ability to act right. I can’t express myself, and I have no idea what she’s thinking. I’m a lost cause.
Casey grabs one of the ropes and coils it back into a neat bunch.
“Are we done?” I ask, resigned to the idea that I will have to go to Cree and tell him it didn’t work out.
“Do you want to be?”
I glance away, not sure how to answer and not sound like the needy freak that I am. I do want more. I want it to never stop. If she just kept me tied up all the time, I’d be great with that, but saying it out loud makes me sound like a total nutcase.
I am a total nutcase. I just don’t want her to realize it.
When I don’t answer right away, she lets out a heavy sigh.
“Are you good for a few minutes?” she asks. “I need to hit the bathroom.”
“I’m good.”
“Stay here.” Casey stands abruptly and walks away, leaving me sitting on the mat.
I stare at her retreating form, knowing I’ve done something wrong but not knowing what it was or what I should do about it. I’m sure anyone with a lick of social sense would know exactly what to say, but I’m at a complete loss.
Maybe my foster parents were right—I am too broken.
Chapter 4—Casey
Without looking behind me, I head out into the main area of the dungeon and make a beeline for the bathroom. I splash cold water on my face and try to compose myself.
I’m in over my head—way over my head.
I thought once Rocco realized I knew how to do rope that he would be fine working with me, but nothing is going the way I thought it would. At Cree’s place, he’d relaxed with me even though he’d had a bit of a moment. I knew he was all right there, at least. Now, I can’t even tell if he’s enjoying himself.
I want him to want me, and I can’t tell if he does or not. That’s the real problem here—my own damn ego. I wanted him to beg me to do more to him, and he’s just...not doing that. If he were anyone else, I’d be on my way out the door now, causally flipping my middle finger at whomever had dared reject me.
But this is Rocco, and Rocco is different.
I knew this wasn’t going to be easy before I ever approached Cree, and I know now that I can’t just give up. That said, I need help.