“He’s always trying to help me.”
“And I’ll work with him as well if that will help.”
“You will? But...you don’t like him.”
“I like you enough to make up for it.” I smile, but Rocco scowls back at me. “What? I can deal with him.”
“Even though he likes...what he likes?”
I grit my teeth and swallow hard.
“I guess I’ll have to learn to ignore it.” I take a long breath and force myself to smile again. “I was thinking about what you said about blame. And you were right.”
“About what?”
“Blame might give you a place to put your anger, but it also holds you back. How can you move forward if you focus on whose fault it is? It doesn’t change the past, but worrying about blame can keep you there. I can’t blame Cree and Kas for what they like, and I shouldn’t let it impact me.”
“That seems...too fast.”
“It’s not going to happen overnight. I know that. I shouldn’t let it have power over me, though, and that’s my problem, not theirs. That’s a good thing.”
“It is?”
“If it’s my problem, that means I’m the one in control.”
“You like control.”
“Obviously.” I grin at him. “But not just with sex—I like control over everything all the time. However, if I let my own issues cause me problems, well, then I lose control over the situation. I have to be the one to make the decisions to change, to take back the power.”
“How?”
“I probably need to talk to Cree about it.”
“That sounds like...a difficult conversation.”
“It would be.” It’s my turn to shrug. “Maybe if I tell him why it bothers me, he’ll understand, if nothing else. I don’t expect him to change, but it might help me move forward a little.”
“How is that going to help you? Doesn’t talking about it just bring up all the bad memories?”
“Sometimes.” I tilt my head to better see his expression. “That’s why you don’t say anything about your past, isn’t it? It makes you think about those times you were scared, and it makes you worry about how someone will think about you after they know.”
He nods.
“The thing is, Rocco,” I say, “the less we talk about it, the more power it holds over us. Yeah, sometimes when I tell someone, it brings ups some memories. The bigger problem is the way it changes the relationship I have with someone. They don’t know how to take what happened to me. They can’t look me in the eye anymore, and they get flustered when I just say hello. But you know what? That’s their fucking problem, not mine.”
“You’re good at not letting it bother you.” Rocco grins and nods.
“I wasn’t always. In fact, I was just horrible at it. I got in a lot of trouble, and I was always angry. And yeah, before you call me out on it, I do still have a temper. I know it, and I do what I can to control it.”
“Not so much with Kas,” Rocco says quietly.
“I’m still learning, and she pisses me off.”
“You don’t even know her.”
I sigh. He’s right, and I can’t deny it.
“I’ll apologize to her.”