As soon as I walked through the door, AJ’s head lifted from behind the computer screen. He narrowed his eyes, suspicious of anyone who wanted to work out so early the day after Christmas, but he never should have unlocked the door if he didn’t think anyone was going to use the gym.
When he recognized me, his suspicious expression broke into a welcoming grin. “Well, I’ll be damned. Never thought I would see you again, punk.”
I gave him a weaker smile, still mentally at odds with myself after what had happened in Kassa’s bed. “I think my membership has expired, but can I work out? It will only be for the day. I fly back to Cali in the morning.”
“Fuck, boy, you know you don’t have to pay to work out in my gym. You’re a damn celebrity now.” He was watching me closely, as if trying to read me, but he couldn’t see what was going through my mind. “I bet Alicia and Kassa were happy to see you. Kas didn’t mention you coming home though, and I think I see that poor girl more than anyone else does.”
Guilt churned through me at the thought of how alone Kassa had been over the last seven months. I talked to her every day, but a phone call didn’t make up for physical presence. Kas was the kind of person who needed to be around people to thrive, and lately, she had only herself for company.
“I thought I would surprise them because they couldn’t fly out to be with me and Jace,” I explained and pulled my protein shake bottle from my bag before going over to the shake station, where AJ kept an assortment of different shake mixes in various flavors. My favorite was the peanut butter and banana, and I mixed the two together in the blender with two scoops of peanut butter and a whole banana. When it was smooth, I poured the contents into my bottle and cleaned my mess up. Years of living with Kassa and Alicia had taught me how to clean up after myself. Not to mention that AJ would have beaten my ass if I had left him to clean my mess up.
“You find you a good gym out in Cali?” AJ asked, following me to the cardio equipment.
I shrugged. “Good enough. Place is open twenty-four-seven, so that’s a bonus. I can get a workout any time I need one, but it’s not here. This place is like home for me. Always has been.”
AJ’s was where I had found myself. Before the music had become my passion, it had been the gym. I had started working out to help temper the anger eating away at my brain, making it impossible to focus and nearly erupting a few times. Then I had started working out—running at first, and then weight training. It had helped me channel my rages into something healthier, something I could control. Working out, and Kassa, had saved me in the end.
Thinking of Kassa, I clenched my shake bottle. She probably wasn’t awake yet, and I wanted to get my workout in and be home before she woke up.
“You okay, Gray?”
I lifted my head to find AJ still watching me. Between thinking of Kassa and what had happened earlier, I had completely forgotten that the big man was still standing there.
“Just a lot on my mind, AJ,” I told him honestly, but I didn’t want to get into it. I didn’t understand what was happening to me, and I didn’t want to talk about it. Not then, maybe not ever.
Some of the hard lines on his face eased. “I get it, boy. But you ever need to talk, you know where I’m at.”
“Yeah, man. Thanks.”
With a nod, he left me to my workout. I turned my brain off and focused on burning calories.
I couldn’t have Kassa. I couldn’t. She would be better off without me to complicate her life.
I couldn’t let her go, either. She was my best friend. Not Sin. Not Kale. No one but Kassa understood me completely.
But I didn’t think she could have understood what was happening to me right then. How could she, when I didn’t understand it, either?
TWELVE
Kassa
I woke up feeling out of sorts. I’d had a weird dream but couldn’t remember what it had been about other than that Gray had been in it. My body felt tense—achy, almost. I was worried I was coming down with the flu, despite having gotten my flu shot. Other than the ache, however, I didn’t feel sick.
Gray wasn’t beside me when I opened my eyes, but I could hear him laughing downstairs. A few minutes later, the garage opened and I figured that Alicia was feeling up to going to work. Not that it would have mattered if she was feeling better or not, she usually went to work regardless of a headache. She said that it helped her, but I didn’t understand how adding more stress from work could help a headache as painful as the ones she got.
I went into the bathroom to take a shower. As I undressed, I found myself lightly brushing my fingers over my hips. They ached more than the rest of my body and I didn’t understand why, but when I brushed my fingertips over them, I couldn’t help but moan. It felt good to touch myself there. Even more so wh
en I let my hands glide around my sides to my stomach and I skimmed the fingertips of my right hand over my pussy.
“Oh shit,” I whispered at how good it felt, and I wondered if my dream had been sexual and if that was why I was so … achy.
Pink filled my cheeks as more thoughts filled my head. Had it really been sexual, and more importantly, had I done something I shouldn’t have while I’d been asleep? Oh no. Oh fuck! Had I touched Gray in my sleep? Did he know how much I liked and wanted him in that way?
“No, no, no!” I whispered, tears burning my eyes.
The way I felt about Gray was my secret. No one else knew that I loved him as more than a best friend because there was nothing I could do about it. He didn’t want me, couldn’t possibly want me, the way I wanted him. He would never in a million years see me as anything more than a friend.
Even if it was the one thing I wanted most in the world, I could never let him know my feelings.