Frustration filled me because he wasn’t making any sense. Whatever Noah’s sins were, so long as he repented, they could be forgiven. That was an irrefutable tenet of Christianity. “If you’re truly unlovable then why have I allowed you into my bed night after night?” I questioned boldly.
“You wanted sex,” he said, his tone dismissive. It was almost like he was frightened to believe in my love.
“I wanted you,” I said emphatically. “Because you’ve consumed me almost from the very moment we met.”
His chin lifted, eyes clashing with mine. My heart clenched, because in that moment I saw his self-hatred. He refused to believe I loved him because he hated himself, and I had no idea why. Was it because of his father? Was he the one who told Noah he was unlovable?
“If you don’t believe in love,” I went on. “Then why even be with me? You can fool yourself all you want, but I know it’s not just about sex. I know you feel something for me, too.” I moved closer, so that my lips were a hair’s breadth from his. “The roots have set in deep.” My whispered words caused him to swallow tightly. “And there’s nothing we can do about it now.”
“You don’t know everything.”
“So, tell me,” I urged.
Terror shaped his eyes. “I’m scared to.”
“Don’t be. There’s nothing that could stop me from loving you.”
“Prove it then,” he said in challenge.
“How?” I whispered.
“When I leave tomorrow, come with me.”
My breathing faltered, melancholy taking over. “I can’t—”
He gripped my waist, pulling me to him. “Why can’t you? If you really believe you love me then I don’t understand how you can let me go.”
“You know it’s not as simple as that,” I said, heart racing. “I have to fulfil what my father failed to.”
His hand clasped the entire side of my face. “It’s not real, Estella. Your father wasn’t cursed. All the bad things that happened to him happened simply due to circumstance. There’s evil in the world, but it isn’t supernatural. Human beings have enough capability for evil, there’s no need for some invisible demon in the sky.”
Tears pricked at my eyes. I wished I could believe him, but I just couldn’t ignore the evidence. “Your sister believes in it.”
“My sister isn’t well.”
“I can’t take the chance,” I said in the smallest voice.
“So, you’ll just live your entire life in fear?” he questioned heatedly. “You’ll walk away from everything you claim to feel for me because of some screwed up belief your father had? He died in a car accident, Estella. The very same thing has happened to countless others.”
“What about my mother? She was only seventeen when she died in childbirth.”
“Again, that’s an unfortunate thing, but it’s happened before. Do you think every single woman in history who’s died giving birth was cursed?”
I frowned. “No, but my dad was so certain.”
“Your father was a troubled man. Why else do you think he and Vee found each other? They could reaffirm each other’s insanity.”
“He wasn’t troubled. He was good. Too good for this world.”
“That may be true, but I still don’t believe he was cursed. And I think deep down you don’t believe it either. Are you willing to sacrifice your entire life for something that might not even be true?” he questioned, his hands branding my waist. His look was ferocious, and in that moment, I knew he wouldn’t let me go easily. If I really wanted to break the curse, if I really believed it was true deep in my bones, then I was going to have to fight him on it.
We stared each other down, locking horns. Neither one of us was prepared to look away first, and I both adored and abhorred his obstinance.
The doorbell rang downstairs, breaking our silent battle of wills. Noah reluctantly released me as he stood and ran a hand down his face. “I have to go. The guests are starting to arrive.”
I frowned at him. “You look tired.”
He gave a joyless laugh. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” A pause, then under his breath, “It’ll all be over soon anyway.”
His statement confused me. “What does that mean?”
“Nothing, never mind.” He came toward me now, standing over me as he cupped both my cheeks in his hands. “I’m leaving tomorrow. By then everything will be much clearer, and you can make your choice knowing all the facts. I hope you’ll choose to come with me.”
Then, his touch fell away as he moved toward the door. He left the room, and I sat there, staring off into nothing. He’d given me an impossible choice. The path of faith was clear, I knew what to expect. But the path of going with Noah was filled with so many unknowns. I didn’t know where it might lead. If he was right, and my dad’s curse was all in my head, would I regret becoming a nun?